Sun raying solstice from galactic center to you

Connect with the galactic center through the sun on the solstice and yours may become activated. Happy Next One!

weB log 2016

About ~ 2011 ~ 2012 ~ 2013 ~ 2014 ~ 2015 ~ 2017 ~ {2018} ~ 2019 New entries go on top but within an entry, time is chronological. The next Wholeo new year restarts on the December solstice. Remember if something is undefined, it might have appeared on an earlier date. Read from bottom of each entry or the end up. Or search the page.

Entries: December (2015) 21, 23, 24, 25, 28, 29, 30. January (2016) 01, 05, 13, 17, 18, 19, 24, 29, 30, 31. February (2016) 01, 02, 03, 04, 06, 07, 09, 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 27, 28, 29. March 01, 02, 03, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 11, 13, 14, 16, 19, 20, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 29, 31. April 01. 04, 07, 21, 26, 30. May 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 07, 08, 13, 19, 21, 22, 25, 27, 28, 29, 31. June 01, 09, 10, 11, 14, 16, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 26, 27, 29, 30. July 02, 03, 04, 06, 07, 08, 09, 11, 12, 14, 16, 17, 19, 22, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 31. August 03, 05, 07, 11, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28. September 03, 05, 08, 09, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 26, 30. October 04, 05, 08, 09, 10, 11, 13, 15, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 29. November 02, 06, 07, 08, 09, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19, 20, 21, 22, 24. December 02, 04, 08, 09, 11, 12, 13.


A fine day out with my three cameras recording the last work day on the Choctawhatchee River Section of the Florida Trail. Originally planned to touch up trail ends and placing signs where crossing roads, a last-minute change in the route by the land owner necessitated pinning, flagging, clearing, removing tripping hazards, trimming, and blazing anew. Plus disguising the previously prepared 100 feet and changing blazes to indicate a turn. Although they do it for love of the trail, these guys are pros. They know the tasks and work as a team safely, efficiently and with joy. Bruce Varner wanted a photo of me, so I twisted, clowning around a new sign post. It was so happy that I posted it to Facebook.


Blood tests reveal I have a strong heart, liver and kidneys. But bad cholesterol says I could have a stroke or heart attack at any moment. The nurse admits it is hard for vegetarians to limit their carbs. Also hard for yoga and walking lovers to get cardio exercise. Will I find ways to do these things?


Getting to know my next door neighbor, we have a lot in common. So inspired by her sensory deprivation vision that I looked up my own in Oct. 1991. I had just gone to Mt. Shasta and met incredible people. Camped, danced Sufi in the park, shared my book with people that read it. Here's what I wrote to my daughter:

"After Mt. Shasta, I felt ready for the isolation tank. It is sensory deprivation. You have a soundproof room with shower, bed, and the Tank. The tank is like a big coffin or station wagon. The water is body temperature and filled with Epsom salts that make you float easily. After 1 1/2 hours I had completely relaxed. I felt as if I had been cast in stone. The hollow part, which had been my body, was gone. It was divine. Of course, I had unobstructed visions most of the time. A crystal anemone came, a crystal eagle tore off my flesh, a crystal wind blew away my bones, a crystal trickster spattered my blood so that everything was red and then sucked it up. Then to learn the crystal secret. It was a geometry of light without radiation or time. I must draw this."


I felt that it was the best Facebook morning ever. Good topics and comments with others in real time. The trouble with having the best Facebook morning ever is that the mental threads don't stop when I close the page. They are off on their own weaving into afghans and monuments and epic talks. I can't turn it off. The punch line birthday girl is about rebirthing experience and being a fish. To add to the infinite afghan of this thread, an origin myth of those born on the cusp of the December solstice. Could it be that coming from beyond the outer edge of the galaxy, we chose to glide in using the pull of the sun and galactic center lineup with earth, gravitationally attracted at that place/time?

Hiked up to Deer Lake State Park west to check on a restoration site. Is it scientifically interesting that out of the whole area there was only one robust successful seed head? I found one broken, hanging down beside the stem. Tried to photograph it stuck in a tree trunk bark but it popped off and could not find it again. Maybe that plants the seed?


My eye doctor revealed that I need touch up laser surgery for my cataract replacement lenses. It took awhile to admit that, yes, at night all car headlights look like they are on high beams. That was the key to getting the glare test I failed. Fear for my main gateways with this world.


Why is goat cheese labeled vegetarian? {Later learned that is because the goats are vegetarians>}


Small satisfactions with friends and life. One bought some 7-grain cereal that is made of seeds and would like to know if it is sproutable. I soaked and germinated a small batch. Yes, they did sprout. The cereal cooked quickly, the fiber was tender and delicious.

I found an osprey nest was removed from power lines but relocated to a new perch on a tall pole installed nearby. Lori Ceier of Walton Outdoors will find out who did it and why.

Someone used my credit card number but the company caught it and stopped the card. When the new one arrived, it was also blocked. So I changed.

On my walk I created an acronym for main sources of angst: AEFHIMS. Age, Environment, Finance, Health, International Relations, Minorities, and Spirituality. Later I felt Emotion and Human Relations should be there too. But they are involved in all the categories.

A State Farm Safe Driving robot in my car is sending data on my driving to my phone. It says I should accelerate, brake, and make turns more slowly. I got C and B grades. But I will try for As.


Life is an experiment in evolving universe. While trying to frame the story that doesn't give me emotional direction but that seems real, the song that I thought was Unitarian because we sang it there when I was growing up started playing in the background of my mind. I was thinking of us as urchin. My local being part is aghast at the direction. My universal part knows that we are a test tube. Given this physical scene and these character tools, how will we evolve? Any one part likes or dislikes it at any one place or time in it. The part of the song I remember is give all you have for loveliness, buy it never count the cost and the children's faces. Then I looked up Sara Teasdale the poetess who committed suicide the year Nancy was born. 1933.



Life has loveliness to sell
     All beautiful and splendid things
Blue waves whitened on a cliff
     Soaring fire that sways and sings
And children's faces looking up
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell
     Music like a curve of gold
Scent of pine trees in the rain
     Eyes that love you, arms that hold
And for your spirit's still delight
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness
     Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
     Count many a year of strife well lost
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.

Not a Unitarian song. But has stood me in good stead.


Enjoying getting to know my new GoPro Hero 5 Black camera. It has features that will be quite useful. The major problem I'm having is that the 4K that I bought it for has limited FPS and no linear setting. I will have 2.7K at best. So far the touch screen swipes only work some of the time and often have unexpected results. Battery depletes rapidly. I should have bought more extras.


Spent hours shopping online for an electric frother. I love drinks with frothed milk. I have delicious almond milk. I gave up frothing because the thin glass containers quickly break. However, could not find one to buy. In the cupboard I found one I had forgotten about. Apparently it didn't work with the milk I was using, but it does work with Whole Foods organic milk. Wonderful.


Walked lake2lake. Cold but wonderful. Whose scat this is, I think I know, its home is in the forest though. So many adventures starting with a little smashed snake, continuing with the early light on trees and glowing seeded grasses. Did a 30A sun telling lake2lake walk markers with my long faint start shadow and the shorter brighter end shadow. I had better way of talking about it. How to tell time by a sun-dialing morning lake2lake walker marking changes in light between 6:27 and 6:51 AM CST.

The photo of the tire marks in the dirt by public works. No erosion control. Is it because it isn't seeded or because there's no rain to make it grow?

Then started Zen series of ensōs, koans, and living in the moment. Saw gas pipeline markers that go under the bike path by E Lake bridge.

I used to think that my fear of change was something I wanted to change. I've always been like that. I like the moment. It has taken me this long to realize. I felt that way this morning. First I wanted to drink my tea. Then I wanted to stay in the warm house when I realized it was 38° F out. But I must walk. Now that I'm out, I realize I'm enjoying this walk intensely and am so glad I came. So perhaps the fear of change, the flip side of that is being so involved in the moment. So that's a koan. How do you enjoy the moment and let it go to go on to the next moment.

Found an ensō. Maybe I should do a post on removed-from-Zen inquiries. Zen engagement. How Zen enhances experience. Now I will go online and get on whole new waves of surf of life and so my morning will wash away. I got the package of GoPro mounts in the mail yesterday. They look useful. There are many tripod mounts, a hand holder, looks good. What else was supposed to be in there? Ah yes, the memory chip, that is mini-SD HD card or whatever it is. Has an adapter to fit it a regular SD card that goes into my camera. Wow.

Be a beauty seer. My mind says these are not especially great photos. But my beauty seer finds them of incomparable beauty. The strikingly eternal blue high lights. The degradation of the cover and the word WATER. Is it it good to drink? I could make similar comments and linger lovingly with each image I starred this morning. Please darling move on to CRS. Let go. Go to task.

Now I've got the original CRS movie files from 2010 on. Cataloging.


Notification that on G+ {obsolete in 2019} someone with a familiar name started following me at 3:29AM. It is my young grandson and I'm having a unique, peculiar, never-before-had feeling. I shared links to the uncle's Facebook pages.


Which brings to mind my koan of the day: Hate. I hate koans which makes it doubly perfect. It came up because the Miami newspaper had said that Trump legitimized hate speech, so now there's lots more of it. I said the office was legitimate but the person has to live up to it. Which of course is not a definitive answer. On my walk, it continually arose, mind coming up with little tweet-like thoughts to express a truthful statement of why expressing hate of others that is hurtful can't be legal. And that had to be defined by what kinds of laws are applying and on and on. I realized there is no one answer. All based on shifting definitions. There is no whole framework to fit into. So I tried everything I could to not spin wheels. And I did start thinking about process of getting my videos and photos and experiences of the CRS to fruition. I congratulated mind on taking up something of value.

Someone was using my credit card number fraudulently. They caught it and froze the account.


Spent hours researching and deciding how to buy a GoPro camera and accessories. I need 4K video on a head mount that can go underwater.


Returned to the FTA work party and followed volunteers on the mowed section lopping, adding posts and blazing the trail. Tim Crews took me to see the new boardwalk bridge over the Cypress Creek. See slides of the work and Mud Buddy Bridge. Video to come (possibly).


The Choctawhatchee River Section (CRS) of the Florida National Trail got finishing touches this weekend from the local chapter. I met the trail volunteers at Pine Log State Forest in the morning and have started pages with some images. Followed them east and north to the north end of the nine-mile section. Last year I did the same section. My video quotes Tom Daniel saying that we can't flag exactly where the trail will be until we clear the debris away. The trail was flagged, lopped and mowed but needed it again. The Meetup site for the work event is here. In a couple of months the section will open to the public. I need to update video and photographs from 2010 trips on. Everything has changed: camera, computer, web and mobile formats.


Oh how sad. I woke up early. Had left TV on, on CNN the banner was "Donald Trump Elected US President". Visceral depression. I'm crying. Not for me personally but for all the people and future. The environment. The bigotry. The health care. The journalism. Oh, hopefully not nuclear weapons. Pain is given. Suffering is optional. I find myself trying to do menial tasks, to shield myself. Trying to pull steel meshes and grids around myself. But I just burst into tears. I feel what all the pain of those voters must be, just seething into me.

How can I live here? I'm striving to do my journal work. Amazing that it is overcast and drizzling little drops of rain that I know is healing but seems to be my tears for this land is our land.

Earth currentsI inverted the earth currents drawing that is part of Journal1975, June 15 entry. Posted it to Facebook Wholeo and shared it to Caroling and the Pantsuit Nation secret group that has almost 3 million members with the quote in red from the Stones' lyrics.

Started hearing Rolling Stones. Beatles songs had been playing in my head for days, such as "I'll save all my loving for you". But when things go bad, Stones to the rescue.

"Paint It Black
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors any more, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door I must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors any more, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black"

I wrote this comment on the post. I want to describe what I see in my drawing. I'm hugging my gut, my Buddha belly, my center. My breasts are my eyes. My deepest breathing is my smile. I'm grounded, yet hovering over earth currents induced by my currents. Connections in and out, coming and going from hugged central.

When I read the election results from California I developed deep homesickness. All the progressive things they voted in. I just miss that caring environment so intensely.

Feeling Stuff. Yeah.


After a morning medical appointment, I prepared for afternoon Processing Art class development. I receive notice that the expert does not want to continue the collaboration. I ask JerseySTEM, "was it something I said?" Response was unknown but they'll find another. My plan is to present notes on what I was able to learn and imagine so far.


Starting to interact with the Processing program expert for the JerseySTEM class development project. In email, I try to express my problems physically, time and project-wise, computer security and learning curve challenges. That night I work on overcoming most of them and feel able to go ahead, so I send my phone number in return.


Got involved in volunteering to as a family member is required to do for the JerseySTEM class. Since the newsletter task seemed to be covered, I chose the programming and art class development. It is to be based on the Processing program. Immediately I remembered my thoughts that the next step after object-oriented would be process-oriented programming, which I called POP. I was to partner with an expert in the app to develop a 10-week class "to introduce the kids to computational thinking, problem solving critical thinking, and so on, in the context of producing something Artsy that is appealing to many kids. Make it as spectacular, fun, entertaining and social as possible (then can show their friends and parents)."

After downloading and trying Processing, I found how to draw a circle with programming code. Why would kids want to do that? Second thought is a Venn diagram. I could have them get involved with themselves, asking "Who am I? What words describe me?" Then team with another and find what overlaps. They need to learn to present findings visually.

Code-busters. Game design. Flow charts. The programming expert had suggested a book and a generated art project. I need to study what it can do.


One of those not breaking the speed limit but feeling like you're going backwards with respect to the speed of the world around you days. Not a good analogy. I'm trying to enter journal without getting bogged down in memories, while distilling the best of it for publication. But what is happening so far is my own disparate links and the web tech is snarling me back to not only no progress, but fixing needs demanding even less progress. Guess I'll eat breakfast, smile, and say, it is only a life, what thell.

I found a scanned image of Cosmic Color Consciousness that seems to be unused on Since it was the emblem of the Cosmic Color Fellowship that happened in the spring of 1975, I'm using it for the image of the week. So far I haven't uncovered journal sources describing the fellowship. I'll add details to Journal 1975 if they become available.


I had so many thought-train topics started. It's like dream recall. But what were the topics? I know the last one: a cause of debilitation in aging is complexity. I don't know if brains are incapable of true ordering of threads of interest in life experience. I find that I'm interested in more things all the time.

Even on this walk, one thread was maybe setting up a Facebook private group for South Walton public lands or maybe just Deer Lake State Park. In there I could describe or intro myself as judgmental and picky and prone to passion. Patrick knows this in my defense of deer lichen. But I don't maintain irrational passions, once demonstrated or found to be impossible to defend in some way. I'd just like to communicate and if it isn't of interest, drop it. The first thing I would put in there would be the cutting corners of the truck which I suggest is low consciousness of protecting park. Started a list of group members.

Another thread was about me as thinker. My ambition to be the first woman deep thinker vs. how I'm accused of overthinking. How difficult it is to know the balance. Now looking at journal, it is still hard to find the line.

Another topic was about the about aging. Some of us are coping with more and more problems, medications, specialists, especially after hospitalization. I know this will happen to me at some point and if I do get any help it will be amazing and from afar and unexpected. So I should help any prospective helper. One thing is the health records. I've lapsed and don't keep them. How can i make myself do it? Also health caretakers, habits, what else? It gets back to the what to do in case of incapacity or death that I keep putting off. Hellwit. I'd rather look at my photos.

Another thought thread, how people reveal their depths by what they like and share on Facebook. Some attract me, such as reviewing spiritual roots and artworks. But others, with random violence is overkill.

Another theme was the pros and cons of each type of nature trail. No trail is perfect. For example Florida Trail does not suffer from many of the cons of state park trails, but it is a farther drive from South Walton, in Eglin requires a permit, and there are Beware of Bear signs on some of the access roads. Otherwise they have better trail markings, no trip hazards, some hills, are more remote from developed areas, have group hikes with Meetup information and contacts, is documented on websites, in books with detailed descriptions, and have parking. DLSP pros are that it is close (on 30A), beach to forest with lake is more varied ecosystems. Cons are that north of 30A there are tripping hazards, trail markings are splashy. On any Florida trail there are people that let their dogs off leash and do not pick up after them, a definite con. Pro is that the dogs are usually not territorial and are more of a threat to wildlife than to hikers.


Back to 1975 journal. I will review, enter essential on web page and throw the paper away. This is my final decision.


Wholeo Online site was down. I could not connect with the web site server. My password didn't work. After it was up, I spent most of the morning in chat with support and filing a ticket. Finally things were back to normal. It is not clear if this was my problem or their system problem.


Hiked starting out the same as yesterday but took a road farther north over to Camp Creek.

I really don't want to just do photos of the park on Out there is not what I see. That is, what guides me is what I want to picture. My yoga is what I need to communicate. I don't see myself as a photo. In fact trying to picture if I can get my movement with affirmation experience into any way shape or form of mediums that I know.

Looked at carolyoga daily practice. Hmm, don't do color healings now or backbends. My yoga is always changing while retaining some features. What is clear is that no matter how expressive the photo person with visions is, it is not how I experience it. I had thought of stringing together movies of yoga like different beads. Still maybe could do that. But probably need to just do energy swooshes of the whole bodily movement and rest and tense and relax and grip-and-let-go kind of changes.


Hiked to the NW arm of Camp Creek Lake. I had been there once with B2N in 2003.


Explored the cleared forest south of 30A and west of Deer Lake.


Hiked north from the power lines in DLSP.


Meditation last night. When crossed leg, right foot clamped into a cramp, toes crimped in a way that no small adjustment in position would relax. Finally while Nancy was ringing the second and third bell tones, I was massaging it. Then just accepted, OK, be like that. I thought of the deep belly breaths I often like to do before just zoning off. I guess that worked in some way because I actually had no pain the entire sitting. I did a couple of times realize some tensing or closed aspect of left body and gently released it in a small way.

First image was of light bulb. Remotely associated with Tesla somehow. Maintained this bulb of light that lost swervy connection but was a spherical dome top shape with a vertical shaft under it that was connected to ground. I had a lot of thought recognitions. Of conversations I had before meditation. Had two or three intensity increases that I wondered if I might burst splattering everything explosivly or scream with intensity. The feeling of how could something be this intense and not express outwardly. Tender caring. Definite outside of time, knowing time is an illusion for descriptive purposes. But I was at the place where time is created, not subject to it.

The physical sensation of meditation is not levitation. More like settled. Buoyant. Just being without controlling any part. I think this is the essence. Sense of stuff comes down to knowing there is a body but not being the body. Writing and feeling that now elicts deep love, how I love her, that being whose part I play when the ending bell rings. That is the sense of freedom. So often writers and speakers call it happiness, joy, bliss, being positive. But really all words describing a polarity or discrimination or valuing something over something else are not it. It has no character or up or down or emotion or thought. Or even isness. It has no being. Freedom is just as much having nothing left to lose as having nothing lost. Having isn't part of it.

This morning I met with Matthew Allen, park manager.


I'm glad I went to outdoors events today Got a good photo of our fire chief and the EMT guy, who helped create a great story idea. We were talking about how EMT is called. It seems the fire department responds to 911 call emergencies here. I got to talking about hiking and how I might call from an unknown location out in the woods somewhere. Looked at my phone and in maps, Google, anyplace I could not get it to show satellite, so frustrating. I need that to get a sense of the terrain. He said if I had a web page that would tell people how to be safe in emergency and find a way to get help in the woods. Best are coordinates. Access. How did you get in there? Know where you are at the the closest point to get to you. I figure I can put the info into my hike pages. Maybe Walton Outdoors has already done a story, look for it.

In trying to find a quick, easy, reliable way to get coordinates in case of an emergency, I found the Pocket Ranger app with Official Florida Guide to State Parks. Hmm wonder if forests have a similar thing? Could not find one. Since Grayton Beach and Deer Lake state parks are contiguous with Point Washington State Forest, we can just use the same map. Maybe I should add forest info to the park pages.


Jeff Talbert answered my question about white fringed orchid seeds: "Yes the single photo is the beginning of orchid seeds. The swelling green part next to the stem is where the seeds develop. There will be hundreds of tiny seeds in each one of those ovules. In the triple picture under Gather wild seeds, the ovules are brown and split, inside is where the seed forms. We try and collect them before they dry and split and blow away with the wind."

So I have to keep weekly orchid watch to catch the stages of green ovules turning brown and see if I can catch some seeds to photograph. I should show photos of this and that, saying somewhere or when seed forms in the green ovules which turn brown and split open scattering seed to the wind. Spring sprouts, plant grows and blooms. Flowers wither, growing ovules.

Hiked the Main Entrance to the park. Looking at these photos, mind goes in a thousand directions. Just the seeds of weeds are enough to send me into a tizzy fit of joy, wondering, thoughts of solving (solving what? maybe ways to find out what they are). Found it easy to make Google maps for each of the first three hikes.


Hiked Nature Trail.


Modified Lake2Lake hike on 30A to be a mile along DLSP east from the western boundary of the park by the power station. I didn't know where it would be. Turned out to be the eastern boundary of the park on the south side of 30A, at the start of WaterSound Beach.


What comes next after Feeling Stuff movie? Since the weather has changed and I'm free to walk in Deer Lake State Park, I decided to make a page for each hike, so they will be two-milers, primarily. Today will do the beach hike.


Wondering how to integrate the depth pits of the sink holes at Blue Springs, since they are now part of appreciation set of the aquifer sources. Would like to visit the other blue springs in Florida. Jackson Blue Spring is in NWFWM too. Associated with Merritt's Mill Pond. There is a Blue Springs State Park which was closed because of Hurricane Matthew. There is a Lafayette Blue Springs State Park and a Madison Blue Springs State Park.

Should I try putting a 0 or a O in my name? Wh0leO. Whole0. WholeO. Nancy James is in the hospital for four days and she doesn't want visitors.


Visited Blue Springs again with Walton Outdoors. We took the path from the campsite into the woods. The footpath branched a few times but we stayed right. Abruptly we found a row of large sinkholes with running water at the bases. They were about 15 feet across and deep. I marveled anew at the thin top layer we live on, like lacework over eroded limestone gnarly caves over water, running water. Added depth to my feelings for the springs.

Here is some of the text from the movie:
Feeling stuff
Aquifer, down under Florida
Air, way up over Florida
Blue Springs
Feeling stuff
2016 Follow Equinox September 22, 2016

Vent Been Beam Being appeared to me about 1PM today and I immediately drew it. Not your typical creature from the black lagoon.


It is so hard to remember that all the little details I'm fussing over are really very fine tuning. Basically my life is as good as it ever has been or is going to get. Need to allow myself to be overjoyed and grateful for my freedom. Even when managing all the refinements.

That said, I lost all my contacts by mismanaging iCloud between phone and computer. There are ads on my Mediacom mail that are distracting but I can't get Mac Mail to work. Car tire has a leak. I can't get much done on my video, just can't comprehend the whole, so I do little this and that. My friend is sick and all the doctors can't seem to get it together. It is almost cool enough to start walking in the forest, but there are still mosquitoes. I still haven't dealt with the stuck hurricane shutter. My grandkids are not happy about their parents' separation. Otherwise, all is well.


Had a dream. I'm in the back seat of someone's car. Driving somewhere. Only very gradually do I realize that before I went to sleep, I had a new car of my own. And I was driving it. So what happened? Why am I not driving my own car? Why am I in the back seat of somebody else's car? I get the communication somehow, that I have had an accident. Later, I'm out of the car. Maybe on the beach. Talking to somebody on the right. I think she's mixed. But I'm telling her, finally being able to tell somebody my story. Seems like there is somebody else there. Some kind of shadowy being, a person, that has the same story.

Yesterday, the moment I shoved off the concrete steps. I remember saying to Lori "this is the best thing I've ever done". I was transported. It seemed like a wonder world. Several times I was aware of the flow, that my kayak was floating and being carried by the current. It was especially strong when I got to the creek. I had to paddle hard to go upstream, up spring to get back to the pools.

Of course I gave up paddling (driving?) when lodged between bushes at the equinox. Oh, it could be the earth towed by the sun with respect to the galaxy. That moment of equinox is the most clear time to feel it. We're always towed by the sun but our own momentum is true too. And since I meditated I tuned into that better. So I would have to say that it was my choice.

However there's another aspect. I could say the whole camping trip and spring experience is like driving. The dark and release of control is what came after. How tired I am. How little able to form an artwork from it. The best I can do is confide, as in this dreamwork, this journaling.

To turn it even more, I could say that Feeling Stuff is the ultimate vehicle. It was such a peak of intensity. The dark is coming down from that high. No I go back. When recreate the equinox moment it is like being a passenger, since I'm not moving a muscle, physical or mental, I'm open, receptive, passive in a way. I'm a vehicle for the experience. My consciousness rides along with the feeler, feeling stuff.

What is missing is clues for my future, my activity, my art. This just mimics, deepens, flowers the experience. I'm back to making this all one movie instead of two. Can't separate the setting from the awareness feeling stuff. Maybe call it that. Feeling the this and that. When get to the spot text describes the high lights. Leaving it sequential adds reality in the changing light and the natural location info. Feeling is elicited by focus, orchestrated by natural changes. I don't impose a rhythm or construct. On the other hand I could take each part apart into 6 slices and rearrange them in six sequences, which I then play in order. So you look at each focus six times, having to create such a continuity.


It is Public Lands Day in the USA. For me, Leo's death day, 24 years ago. Feeling stuff is it. The floating quality. The liquid transparent fluidity. How about those things that came down to E Lake north? Searching for glow beams. Similar.


At dawn, I smudged with a bundle of four herbs to cleanse the night and awaken to a new day. For me it is always marvelous to wake up outdoors. I have sleeping roots to the ground, to earth. Sunlight patterns are so delicious. I went kayaking for a glorious hour that I so enjoyed. When home thinking it one of the most exquisite jewels of my life experiences. See a slide show of Blue Springs.


Drove to Blue Springs Recreation Area to go kayaking with a friend. It was divine. Perfect pool for my kayak and Lori was also into just oozing around in wonder at everything. She found a spider and I got video of it eating a dragonfly, huge. {Probably moth, looking at video.} That was the grotto. Then she found the strange pollywogs popping heads out of the water which fascinated us. We were heading towards the creek when I realized it was 9:08AM, time to meditate. I paddled back to a couple of submerged bushes where I lodged my kayak between the branches.

Divine meditation. 30 minutes. I came out of it slowly. Feeling stuff. I really knew that at essence I am feeling stuff, not structured, not even in time. Or at least not in linear time.

Remembering a vision story where my feeling center was part of a larger being which was a baby in the womb of some divine mother. I pictured her as a person weirdly enough. But what was beyond that? Oh, the baby was made up of our galaxy and in fact everything that we know, all the galaxies we have seen, all just a baby in the womb of something larger to be born into untold hugeness of worlds.

I got more about beyond frames too. All that mother stuff was a frame. Beyond frames is not bigger than or above, it is alternate to. Switch to knowing I am feeling stuff. The intensity that sometimes expresses as love but can just be unidentified. I think I pictured it as dandelion seed kind of misty fuzzy spherical emanations from points, but in clouds of blueishness.

Lori left and I set up camp in the Blue Springs campgrounds. Miserable heat and bugs made it so I rested content intent Ticla from then on.

I reviewed my purpose for this Follow Equinox event. It was to establish awareness upstream from Williford Spring.

Suddenly a brown dog ran out from the trail leading to the swamp. It grabbed something near the picnic table. I said, "What are you doing here?" It looked at me and then ran back. disappearing down the trail. I had everything of mine in the tent. So what did it get? Perhaps it was hunting?

No electricity or lamps, I lay looking at the dark outlines of tree tops against the lighter sky, scanning for stars. First seen was straight overhead. Vega in Lyra, I think. A good anchor. Moving star-like points of lights were fireflies. Just a few.

Not a comfortable night, trying to balance on trips to the latrine in the dark. One memorable trip after moonrise amid patterns of light and dark tree shadows.


Peace Wave - Join the Minute of Silence, Moment of Peace at 12noon in your local time zone. For over thirty years, Pathways to Peace, the Culture of Peace Initiative, and the United Nations have been honoring this Peace Wave around the globe. I meditated as promised from 9:15-9:30AM CDT.

Though carelessness cracked the vessel
and blew out votive flame,
Maintain devotion

Remembering color of slightly bronzed lighter orange with a slightly swamp green and sky blue. When starting meditation asked that the swing arc of earth's path around the sun (from this day through the Follow Equinox), melded with the faster passage with the sun in galactic orbit infuse the world with care and peace. Taking inspiration from how our bodies harmonize disparate energies and forces with steady balance to give us the illusion and pleasure of remaining motionless. Had a strange thought the Trump would actually become benevolent if elected. He would use his smarts for good. That seemed outrageously preposterous.


Signed up for meditation vigil on 9/21 at the International Day of Peace Invocation Vigil page. From 9:15-9:30 is 24 hours before the moment of the equinox on 9/22. Tuning in. The Great Invocation does not work for me. I shall sing, "Let there be peace in the world and let it begin with me." We will link, reflect, visualize and think of the rhythmic pulse flooding the mental environment of the planet. Or rather, I will be here now in meditation.


I have thought about the following incident for so many years. Maybe if I write it down I can let it go.

When I was in 9th grade, we had an elective class and mine was Art. I received a scholarship to a Saturday Art class at the Minneapolis Institute of Art School. I had only been to the museum once, to a show of paintings that the US had liberated from the Nazis after WWII, that they had stolen from countries they had invaded. I knew nothing of art, art classes or art schools.

My parents dropped me off at the Saturday class. It was huge, in a big room with dozens of students seated in a circle of easels. On my easel was a big 24x36" piece of drawing paper. Charcoal sticks were provided. In the center was an old man model, clothed. We were to do his portrait. I did one that to this day I remember as a very good likeness. It was OK, nothing special, just an activity. The teacher made the rounds, talking to some students, but not to me. At the end I rolled up my picture and rode home with my parents. They, of course, thought my work was good.

I never went back again. I couldn't see any reason to go. I had gotten no help and learned nothing. I'm pretty sure I felt nervous and shy. Above all, I didn't know why I didn't get any attention. It was like I was invisible there.

Over the years I've come to wonder what would have happened if I had stayed. Would my art career have been different? Why was it that I got no counseling (that I remember)? Why didn't the art teacher who awarded the scholarship follow up? It would have been super useful to me if someone, since the art school teacher didn't care, anyone else would have asked me why I quit? I needed help in recognizing my feelings, honoring them, and learning how to be assertive. I had been given an opportunity that I wasted, not knowing how to make it work for me. Most of my life I've thought that I made the right decision. I had no regrets. I've always been good at portraiture when necessary, but it has never attracted me. That's another question. Did I honor a primitive truth in declining to capture a physical image of a spiritual entity? I will review a bygone and then let it go.


Why do I plan yet another camping trip when the last one was so miserable? Thinking I can load up in the morning or the night before if it looks at all possible. Then drive up and use day use parking until 3 when I can set up. Worried about heat. Worried about bugs. Worried about wildlife. Worried about fear of unknown redneckery of the area.


Trying to find roots of the journal entries that I have and why skipped others. Roots of this effort might be on 10/7/14 when I say "my next project should be to sort my file cabinet of journal and enter what's important from it."


I do not have a single vision, or inspiration, or anything to work on. So I have decided to start typing in my journal. As Leary says, she wins who gets the most of their life online. Plus, I hope to pick up psychic threads that have been dropped and weave it all together.


Publishing an album on Vimeo. How does it look in a Vimeo viewer "Hubnut"? Please scroll past if this space is blank. It was blank for me on my phone but worked on my computer. The web-page has descriptions of each video in the Orchid Tour 2016.


Went with a group to Morrison Springs which was as usual, beyond beautiful. We met Mary (Maranatha) Moses and her daughter Hannah who wrote a book online about Hannah's Love for the Springs. {It is here:} Swimming, divine. I floated over the vent, that is too deep to feel but good to know. Dived. Then Mary Lou remembered drumming on water. That was very fun, captured by Sheewho on video, posted to Facebook. Then we went to Ponce de Leon springs where they walked down a creek. The previous Red Bay grocery is now Rabbit Creek. There was nothing there for me to eat.


Thinking about unique features of my mind. Or should I say something I noticed that seems unusual in my experience. I just saw a Facebook animation asking if people need a word to see a color. For example, in the earliest languages, for colors, the only words were black and white. Then red. Then yellow and green. Lastly blue. Many early peoples had no word for blue. This triggers a memory of something I was thinking about earlier, maybe yesterday. Was wondering if red, yellow, and green, the African flag colors, were actually a complete rainbow. What isn't available is why I was first thinking that maybe blue isn't necessary. I know I had a perception or thought about blue. Might have been related to writing my journal about the blue lights.


I'm into experience. Deep in here to deep out there. No words. No pictures. Just connection. This is especially moving during certain special yoga poses.


Visions I had during yoga. Light blue, pale blue, evanescent blue lights on the rug in front of my yoga pad as I raised up, looking down. They played over the surface like spotlights. Undefined edges. The most notable times I've had these before were during day long meditations or at ECMS. There it would usually be a single patch. I don't remember a group like this. Later in yoga I looked for them and didn't see them.

Another instance was losing Leo. I can't remember why it came up. Or what the decision point in the story was. It could have been that in 1992 I picked him up in LA instead of waiting. Something came over me that said I had a choice to play another story line where Leo lived, instead of the one I'm on. Tempting, but immediate feeling that I did not want to relive the years since then. The thought followed that it would not be reliving, it would be a separate life path.

The analogy with other life decisions was my reaction to Europe, that it was mired in history, in the past and I wanted the more open making new history of the US. Then later realizing that many of the things I hold dear, that is socially and economically were more advanced and successful back there. Not sure about the environment though. The point is that decisions are always based on partial views.

Then I thought that I would like the option of taking the "Leo lives" life path after I finish this one. That is not make the choice of that path to be the end of this one. I also thought about if and how Leo could have changed to not be addicted to extreme sports. Because if he remained that way, it would be so likely that there would be a similar accident. I didn't get far with that train of thought because it didn't seem like it could be me that could provide any changing insights. In fact the more I carry out these thought lines, the more accepting I become of the likely or reasonable or fitting fate we are having.


Hiked to another restoration site west of Deer Lake where orchids more accessible. Another perfectly beautiful day. Fending off bugs with swishing bandanas. Collected photos.


Dawn beachwalk, thinking I should record the three rows of dunes that have been piling up since the last tropical storms in 2005 since a tropical storm is coming our way soon. Got video of a large dragonfly eating a butterfly or moth. Initially shocking because I had always pictured them eating mosquito-sized insects while flying. For a couple of days now I've talked to dog owners in the park. Reported to the ranger.


I drove Laurie (who is now creating a Beach Ambassador program for our county) to the Orchid Tour that I had organized in Deer Lake State Park. Eight people fit in two vehicles, each driven by a biologist to the restoration site at the headwaters of Camp Creek. The weather was relatively cool yet sunny. There were no bugs of note. I'm happy to have connected some strong nature lovers with this project. There was no field of orchids as I had imagined, because the titi has grown up faster. Orchids and the other rare but thriving carnivorous plants have to be singled out to see. The biologists tried to educate, show and tell as people roamed taking photos randomly. It was a good introduction, but I don't think anyone really got as complete a view as I did on my private tour last spring. However, I have heard good reports.


Thinking that splurt is really feelers. Vision of them all over at each cell, everything is connected to nothing, that is the beyond which is out of our frame. Splurts in and splurts out. I'd like to find that painting with the figure with three-fold spins all over it and complete it with feelers and splurts.


Started yoga. One good thing is seeing splurt as the energy pattern of hieloheal. Does it draw from beyond the frame, the two nodes pointing at the one. When first saw this was thinking of the two in hand nodes. But those only point at two chakra nodes and indirectly focus those on a single point. Yes it works perfectly on this drawing.


Want to mention a cloud I should have photographed. It was like that Egyptian eye is it of horus? Or the Sanskrit Om. My memory of the significance was an eye within a loose rectangular frame with one of those splurts, scissor shaped coming from the upper left say 172° angle. That's arbitrary, maybe 160° but not 135°, a bit more horizontal. This shape was outside the frame but pointed at the eye. To me a reminder of LeoElo's transition and probably unfinished graphics.


Launched into an introspective discourse about why I should care that people know that I don't really need the hiking poles, but they are optional. I guess it is not wanting to look weak or vulnerable.


I am torn between what is obvious to do and something beyond the frame. When making lunch, tug tug, something either demanding my attention or something that my Wholeo awareness wants me to see. Maybe it is that process that I should make art of. I was going to say "that I should art" as though to art is a verb. I Art, Therefore I Am.

I wonder if the contacts I've been having with consciousness are it or related. I just had one of these asides. What was it? Some creature like a duck in the right place at the right time. What did I see like that? Thought flashed to some human-like spirit that sets up circumstances making it look like the creature has intelligence. But the intelligence is not the creature's. The creature is set in intelligent surroundings. I feel that way sometimes, like I'm tuning into something. That's why I speak of getting guidance.

The first one in the beyond context was when I had the feeling of communing with Awareness, as in the Dark Sea of Awareness that collects us at death if we have not fully shared awareness before that. I was being absurdly prideful that I was sharing awareness well, so on momentary basis could connect. I was talking to it and that felt fun. Then instantly reminding me of Yaani talking to God. Brought up short. I was heavily judgmental and doubtful of that. On the other hand, could it be the same thing?

Thinking of it now if there are gods, awareness might not be the chief one. Awareness seems more like an ongoing adventure to me. Since everything is changing, how could there possibly be an awareness of everything by a part of it? Even if I get key features, like stepping stones. There are always other stones or could walk on the bottom or jump across. There is no one single way.

Along with this feeling of contacting other consciousnesses is a slight dent in my feeling of autonomy. It is like I'm dissolving on the edges or in parts. But at the same time realizing I could be losing an illusion of separation. So what art would come out of that? I'm questioning the mediums. Do they really serve the message (that is if I had a message)?


4:34AM gazing at the full moon, I'm aware that there is no awareness.

Went on my 5th trip to Numah this year, intending to meditate at sunrise. But the gates did not open until 7. While waiting I needed to make coffee. I had brought the stove and everything needed except the gas cartridge. Concluded that I can't depend on life circumstances in any way. From the parking lot, I did ignite smudge sage and carried it to the spring stairs. I got into a very good meditating position and did actually meditate. Nice to burn that lovely view into the wallpaper of my mind. Not sure how long before a couple came. They were respectful and quiet. Went away.

After awhile I thought it was time to swim. By then the couple was back and it was not just me and the deeps. I walked counter-clockwise around the pool. I plumbed its depths by jumping. I had some beautiful moments, like when sun sprinkled light drops. Or I get the turquoisiest view. I walked to the dock and around and along the other side until the point I could see the dock. The one area where it is built out, where Cleckley stopped, is really fantastic. Shows the karst shapes and the water flowing out. Unfortunately, too many mosquitoes.

Vision like looking down at Antarctica but it is in blue sky instead of ocean. The blues are hearbeat wizen beating, maybe like raindrops impacting. Switch to land/planet beating. Then begins to whirl left, spinning counter-clockwise.


It has been a week of watching the International Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil, rainy stormy days, and enjoying some time with my friend's relatives. We went to Williford Springs again. I now have a new Facebook friend in Japan. Finally posting links to two of Leslie Kolovitch's underwater movies at Williford Spring that she took on August 7. My stiff neck still aches from drumming.


At a local drum circle Jamie Flynn had a huge drum setup. That is gong, crystals, multi singing brass bowls and a dorje. The dorje is to balance a related bell. It is masculine, the bell feminine. He had an obsidian sphere. Also a sphere geode, amethyst. He was about to tell me what a small standing stone was when it was time to start. Leslie Kolovitch played a deep Aum chant recording while we warmed up. We had two sessions. That is we died down to almost nothing and started up again until a second die down.

Jamie coaxed some absolutely other world sounds from those circular objects. Sometimes they didn't do anything. I really like being in the drum circle. However, the next morning I ached all over, particularly in my neck. I must have used muscles and parts of me never called on before. I can not separate it from dance.


Went to Numah (Williford Spring) with friends. I had posted a panorama to Facebook asking if it made you want to jump in. Some responded yes, ASAP. We got there an hour after sunrise. Enjoyed swimming alone and with a few new people to meet. When home, all afternoon sharing photos and video. Apparently my bliss surfaced as recorded. I'll link to Leslie's videos of underwater swimming when posted.


I'm involved in politics world-wide, national, state, county, and local. Never before in my life have issues been daily before my eyes as they are in Facebook. Never before in my life have I been so aware of how a frame of reference determines reality and how all of our views of reality are different and changing. I reported ordinance-defying signs of "Private Beach". I complained about political signs at a place of business. I "Like"d environmental concerns. I empathized with the various reactions to our presidential election debate. I expounded on the overuse of the word "sweet" for pleasure or calling our crystalline white sand beaches "sugar sands". But I do not linger in these webs.

Interesting info about an empty space at the center of the galaxy. That is, astronomers found no new stars there. Vacant. I did not see how that related to a black hole at the galactic center. Could the hole be a more recent development and it is eating the new stars? Second thought meshes with BFofR, that maybe strangely enough the center is beyond and science is not set up to detect it. Because if it were, it would be in the frame. My idea is that where we aren't detecting anything expected or new, given the way we are investigating, maybe our tuning is referential and framing.

Funny egoistic thought. How my ambition in life as a child was to be a thinker. There didn't seem to be any great women thinkers so I didn't have any models. I tended to do art, where intuition was deemed valuable. I guess I thought I would have to be recognized. Or really I wanted to be recognized for being as great a thinker as any. I wanted to be the greatest thinker. So who says anything is great? Is it numbers of other people?

My thought of the moment is that I feel like a thinker. I enjoy my thinking. My thinking is the most valuable part of my life. As life goes on, I feel like thinking is getting better. Perhaps I've achieved my goal. That wouldn't happen since the goal of thinking is never done. Perhaps I'm on the path I desired. When young I did not realize what would be involved in being recognized as a thinker. Even now I don't know as I haven't pursued it. My thinking has always been mostly private, not shared, not engaged with other stepping-stone thinkers. Which no doubt limits the value of my thinking for others. I'm not a pro, I'm an amateur.

My pulse is 60 bpm. Perfect. The reason I counted it was that I had my arms crossed overhead, leaning back, thinking how happy I am. Arms by ears and I hear this chorus, which reminds me of Nancy hearing crickets after Martin died. They do sound like crickets, or a vast insect chorale. It also is hissing with flowing water characteristics. maybe like white noise? Seems like a full sound-of-everything. Wondered at the beat. Taking my pulse, found that what I'm hearing is a pulse. The amplitude highs are exactly in tune with pulse beats. Looking at the computer pulse or seconds per minute, I saw the same count.


In my dream I'm looking for a larger envelope than the normal size I have, that is too small for what I have to send.

Waking up, I wonder if this is a useful analogy? The envelope in the dream could be a container for Day Out of Time beyonds, the same way as the concept of a black hole is a container for unthinkable energies. Suddenly wondering if the beyonds I'm channeling are from within the center of black hole. True, I've been tuning into the galactic center for years now. And it is true, as I remember, say I recall, that the center of the galaxy is a black hole. I did not include this in the blog last week. It is rather blood-curdling.

I'm suddenly getting that no, that yes, anyway seeing a golden space, like the color of Caroling's blog with a pattern of Poons-like dots which are black holes. I could take my painting of the universe and put black hole dots on it. {Note, my photos of that painting are not right. It is lighter. This detail shows dark spots that indicate darker blues in the inner turn of a large spiral.} Is my mind doing this right? Is it playing games to always see a white dot associated with the black? Does it mean that to define something in our world, we must have opposites? Of course the hole is not "black". Calling it black helps convey that we can't see it and it is obscure, just inferred, not measured indirectly. Somehow, it seems important to not localize a black hole. Are they all the same in some way? If I've seen one black hole, have I seen them all?

Looking at Terra Nova Earth website, which I got to from links to a glittering rotating elaborate tetrahedronal model. It says good stuff like 5D ascension and galactic center on 12/21/2012 but keeps saying we descended to earth from "above" and now are at lower vibration. But I see earth as a project of awareness, like a fun drama. Maybe just as "high" as any exploration in the possibilities of consciousness. So I was discounting the evolutionary nature of the site. Then it occurred to me that in the beyond, within black hole, all this frame of reference stuff is irrelevant. DOOT makes it so.

Back to Numah. I sent questions about the sea shells in and around the patio deck at Williford Springs. Answers from the project lead came back that yes, the design is to be as aquifer-conscious as possible.


band end fulcrum to vand. Fulcrums become glow expanders. Vision status. The horizontal bands have a fulcrum from which drop down the vertical bands. The fulcrums become the dots in the glow expanding rings. So it looks like the rings are or the ring is composed of arrays of dot band/vand data.


Went back to Williford Springs to document and swim. Submerged Geome for several minutes. Met a water management guy taking aerial pictures with a drone. Started swimming with two girls watched over by a man onshore. Floating blissfully, I love going with the water. I looked up to see forty people in a ring with an announcer. Quickly dressed to hear Bill Cleckley, the project manager. {Note, I'll finish this entry when I finish the Williford Springs 2016 page}.

Doodle about the beyond VS the frame of reference


This is a doodle at a meeting of beyond the frame of reference happenings.


I'm up at 5:30 in a fog. I can't seem to decide what to do? Do I really need groceries? No. Do I really need the clip for my pack? No. This is publishing day and I haven't a clue, right? Yes. Do you prefer doing nothing and assimilating what happened recently and doing all that outside stuff on Thursday and Friday? Yes. I'm trying to get to ground, but mind is not working very well.

For example, this morning, thinking about all the elegant features of Williford Springs. The shell-embedded paving. The laminated posts of the picnic structures. The prints in the floor of plants. The stainless steel grills. TODO: photo shoot of all the elegant features of the makeover.

Could it be some spiritual contact I have that is keeping me fogged? That could be a deep root. On the surface I am just overwhelmed by my seeming inability to cope.

Reviewing journal for updating blog, not knowing if I should include the review of previous Days Out of Time. Note the overwhelming olfactory sensations I'm having. Like tea tree oil mixed with something savage, like a kerosene or some mineral flammable weed killing pesticide, with a chai spicy tea. I can't tell if this is from picking up Geome or something spraying outdoors or some kind of signal alert to what?

Geome, the crystal geodeWondering about DOOT, I picked up Geome and didn't feel warmth. Zeroing in on the Williford connection with the aquifer and below that to Valley of Nume or below the takeoff point in Owen's Valley. They are connected way underground (energetically at least). I must take Geome to submerge at Williford. I think I now am able to recall the name but Numah is my name for it. Williford is superimposed. I'm getting that this has a history of sacred reverence from other peoples before us, before our time, going back and before that, way back. But it might be a link to the act of reverence for a sacred spring. A feminine archetype experience. Out of time in its way.

It is coming to me what happened and is happening due to Williford Numah (pronouncing it "new ma") contact. In my memory, only once before has a delayed contact hit me like this. It was when we went to the Hopi Second Mesa and experienced a ceremony in 1972. Sal Siggia, Liz, and Leo on our cross country U-Haul Adventure-in-Moving trip. I remember a perilous drive up a narrow crumbling road. We sat in some kind of bleachers set up around a town square. Or was it on a roof? There were no trees, vegetation or greenery anywhere. Someone came onto the square with a tiny evergreen, maybe pine tree, less than two feet tall, rather sparse, but energetic. There was a dance or presentation or ritual for which I have no memory. Kachina dancers?

Afterwards we were hungry and thirsty. There were no street signs. We tried to follow directions. We found a store. I was blown away by something made from blue corn, which I had never heard of before. Chips or tortillas or corn on cob? The next memory is sitting in a campsite by the Grand Canyon, dazed, unable to move, locked in some kind of encounter with the experience. Unable to process any other activity for a couple of days.


Rain, sun and in-between trip to the ribbon-cutting and opening of newly restored Williford Spring with Lori Ceier of Walton Outdoors. Walked, listened, picnicked, snorkeled and swam. For me, so deeply moving. I will return with more details next week, hopefully. Note that I didn't pay attention to this: Galactic Synchronization and beginning of the 13-Moon Mayan and Galactic Calendar new year.


Day Out of Time (DOOT). Treasured point of view of time. And point of view from present moment to not. The result of bridging this infinite gap is the moment is specific enough. That's the best meditation. Shock. I had prepared for an outing that is actually the next day. I have no plans for this day. This mistake allows me to wallow out of time AMAP (As Much As Possible).

The first act is to review previous days out of time, fully aware that out of time do they exist at all if they are grandiose creatures of time? Fully aware of honoring their honoring of being a spacer, betweener, an immeasurable gap. I was aware of the DOOT (Day Out of Time) concept in 2003 but didn't seriously begin to honor it until 2011.

Enjoyed reading past experiences. One of the best quotes is, "when I say 'you', I mean the near part of us." Being out of time, I slipped into working on the index0 page for wholeOOnward, for 2017.

The other crux or nut to crack is how I've gotten over the galaxy and space and all the frame of reference. More valuable to me is thinking of the day out of time as a day out of the frame of reference.


Tuned in to BFofR. Got that it is fractal when I've expanded across to the left as in my movie, then smaller (narrower) faster vands appear. And in those, even smaller and faster. There is so much work to be done on it. Hmm, is vands a typo or useful term for "vertical bands"?


I honored Noosphere Day. See poster.

Got vision of exploding incoming, reminding me of the beyond the big bang mama ring in OAR16 Visions of Feminine Light Vibes and something from Mamagua Essence Action - 2003 that I contacted. It seems like a ring. Jose of the Mayan calendar had such a ring of characters. But this was fresh, unformulated, like catching popcorn exploded kernels, which I'm to decipher. They weren't going into vertical bands. I can hardly keep up with this guidance.

I'm stunned. Facebook shows me that two years ago I shared Leni's ads for an app of Albers' Interaction of Color book that is in vertical bands and look oh so much like what I thought I was channeling in my movie. Reminded of the contact in Sandestin with the ancient consciousness. Is it possible there is a timescape, like repeating certain states of color or consciousness at certain times makes a picture or time view like a drum language that can be read by beings that live in time the way we live in space? I mean where time would be basic and sequential would be spacial.


Beautiful full moon setting over Gulf. Watched as clouds seemed to bite into it nearing the horizon. Later, at home, picturing me with a skull or bathing cap or shaved head with cosmic sun moon stars on head. At the same time from inside, a light coming from the rayed orb on my skull.


When tune in to BFofR I see some light or illumination from the upper right. The horizon faintly flashing, the vertical not flashing so much as glimmering. How to get that effect in movie? Maybe keeping same overlapping shapes and gradually changing colors.

A high vibe like flutter at low level. My shaman interprets this as possible sensitizing to another reality. My normal watches for symptoms of illness and searches for possible antidotes.

Now looking at my movie I'm seeing qualities in the flashing that might be keepers. The orig start is the orig vision. Then comes same-height bands with color glimmer. Fetching. Then comes black over color that introduces kind of a drum beat or digital on/off. That has to be developed. I get that I'm not only trying to represent what is incoming, but designing language for outgoing. So these creative modifications will spring up, not to be quashed but to become features.

It is getting pretty good. I have the precipice feeling that I'm at the edge of my art. Seeing a way to finish what I've got but no idea what comes next.


Working on the BFofR movie, I get that the verticals could become the whole FOV, field of view. As they advance to the left it should feel like we are advancing to the right, focusing on the visions. Could movie end that way? I have to admit that basic facts of existence fascinate me. Horizontal vs vertical. Left vs. right. So basic to our experience. Just naming them causes a sensation of why not feel all the other basics, unacknowledged basics. Tugs on my body sense, my sense-of-being sense. Do I not use these? Or are they working but I don't recognize them? If I did, would my life sense be different? My action different? Would I die to this world? Will they act in some other way, shape or form?


Verticals uniting. Signals singing along the verts with puffs within I guess. That was the first vision. Later it seemed that the flashing (which at first of this whole thing and what is in my movie) is now vertical and the colors are different. White orange black green red blue, more primary colors.

The vertical visions started at a slant in vert space. Turned directly vertical. Got base repeat, so more vertical. Now flashing vertically. How fit in horizontal template? I did just see a plaid effect. The horizontal still happening with a vertical display, maybe 3/8ths of the screen to the right.

In the movie, could have a text and audio narrative. Possibly start with verbal intro. With each new feature have a break or transition or maybe access granted details. On the other hand, language is definitely part of the frame (FofR ). Should everything framed have a visual frame/border?

Seeing red Stars of David shapes on green ground. Yellow on red. These could be created with the horizontal, vertical, and angle directions. Feeling like these are an intellectual creation. Not valid. But why judge? It appears. Kind of like quilt, made of strips. Want to run away from the challenges. The bare ugliness of all this. Like Mondrian. {Researching Spiritual In Art book, I learn that Mondrian was a mystic, intensely interested in spiritual subjects.}


Took a word test and they claim my score is .01%, very high. The other good thing was that Caleb Dub linked my Facebook timeline to the Whale and Baby giant sculpture that he's helping build for Burning Man 2016. He claims that Whole Dome (sic) was a big inspiration for it. It uses opalescent glass, so won't have the brilliant color but it will show up at night when illuminated from within. Since you are outside of it, you won't be in colored light. Curiously, in some ways it is more unlike Wholeo Dome than like.

Now as for the BFofR visions, I now see puffs coming and going up and down and mixing it up in between. Seems like modeling a communication process. Not extra ordinary. But maybe not ordinary. How do I know?


Wondering how long before old age becomes a real problem rather than an inconvenience. Lately I forgot the right time to go to a party and a credit card payment detail. Today I forgot my wallet on a shopping and errand day. Remembering the quote, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional", helped me deal with it without depression.

Setting for Nature MeditationBeyond Frame of Reference Up and DownGetting way behind on BFofR visions. Now the wrinkled input in the drawing of 7/7 comes about halfway from the top and there are response wrinkles from below. Between are puffs that I guess are the communication exchange. Maybe like chemicals. Looking at the Setting image for Nature Meditation, it generally resembles the vertical meeting of ups and downs in modeling the communication process.

Just had a feeling of a happening that seemed real and then dissolved into unreality. Like I went somewhere and got something. Sometimes I get these fleeting views of another reality or a remembered experience that is not my ordinary experience. Can't grasp. TV sometimes does these flashes, for example in the time-traveling 12 Monkeys. It will show that alternate vision as a distraction that puzzles and catches the attention of the actor. Sometimes informs them of something they want to know. Made a sketch.


On the beach before dawn, no it's not a bird, it is a drone flying close overhead. My first encounter. Later I try to find out what is legal and ethical. It seems that it was illegal (should not be overhead of someone not on the project) and unethical. It is illegal to start or stop a drone flight within a Florida state park but even if it flew in and out, it was too close to the Least Tern bird colony.


Facebook is getting better all the time. Now there is a "Live Video" option with a smart phone. I can post a video while I'm making it, starting in Facebook. People can comment and I'll see it in real time. This is not only fun, but seems like it could really help with an emergency.

I was all set to get live-video enabled in case I really have a drama in need. But somehow other Facebook comments and my health state got me into a trembling mad rage. I almost pushed things cluttered off the counter in the kitchen. Almost twisted the knob off the stove to control the heat. I felt this wildfire fury blazing through me.

Practically impossible to control. It was because 1. the latest black man to be killed was in St. Paul. Where Mel was from. That all my life I thought was safe. Or sane. 2. In a rally to improve police relations, snipers killed three (or five?) policemen. Seeming to be so sad but that senselessness just ricochets. It is so catching. I'm not immune. As I managed to prevent disaster in my kitchen, I started to wonder if awareness isn't to blame. It seems like if anything is possible then awareness would like a video of it happening. And I'm right there with getting live video.

Someone proposed meditating for peace at noon. Seems ridiculous. I can't see that meditation fixes social ills in any way. shape, or form. But my opinions at this time are just flutter, clutter.


Had a dream about my daughter that I think is something about my inner child that needs help. Would she rather I didn't go off the deep end with my art? I'm thinking of having one movie on Vimeo that I replace at least once a week and that's all to my whole site.

Beyond Frame of Reference incomingForgot to record BFofR insights. As if on a stage looking up at the drapes, the rows of drapes that could be lowered for different areas. But looking edge on instead of sideways to these bands. Maybe I could photograph some flared material. A skirt? A scarf? There was another part that was not only a splash screen but a lead into the movie. I seem to have lost the content. Feeling that it could have been figurative. But this is supposedly beyond.

Written on the drawing, "This is what I've been seeing for a couple of days. Wrinkled input with resultant puffs of puff-stuff."


{Note, with respect to BFofR} When I tune in this moment, I get action ruffly at the top. Also at the bottom of the screen. Is it possible that some bands are stationary with ruffle talk?

This morning I had a new gestalt or focus on what it means to be present in the moment. Somehow it was like a spotlight narrowed attention with the awareness of the pleasure of it. Seems my depression, anxiety, worry, nervousness is all wound up with any other time but the instant. Whenever I get thoughts or rather experiences like that I wonder about Buddhism, how it affects me and whether I want to let it do more.

Wondering how long I will go on publishing this, that and the other thing. Is it possible that for the rest of my life I will work on a single movie? Or movie theme. Wouldn't that be marvelous?


Sat for new moon meditation with Geome in left hand and a pottery shard in right hand. Geome felt heavy, like a cat footstep, where the animal weight and all seems to be drilling down at a focused point. The shard (that I understand is a piece of pottery from native people in this area) felt weightless.

Definitely scary where I'm going with wholeOOnward because it seems so negatively defined. All or so many of the things that have given life meaning, focus, direction, and joy are minimized or gone. It has affected my interest in developing the solstice pages. That is, interest is gone.

Looking at the plant walk for 6/22 I am unable to tell why none seem worth publishing. It is mildly fun to retake the walk because of the adventure, the air, the intangible. Are the photos below par or is it that I've lost interest in their significance? Suspect both. The dragonfly wings are not clear enough. The seeds not dramatic enough. As for the yoga day 6/21, I just don't even feel like looking back at what I put on Facebook. One photo is pretty nice. The soft velvety look of the deep rose red stem contrasts with the lyrical wavy, greeny fronds, but it just doesn't quite work. Looking at my other photos from the week, getting more and more profoundly disturbed. Attracted and repulsed. I seem to be looking in the wrong direction the wrong way. Captivated by an illusion. That can't be satisfied. I think to go to look at email, Facebook, fully aware that it is an escape. Did it and am increasingly unsatisfied.

Last resort is to look at my movie that I've been working on since May 25. Is there any direction for me left? I am looking at 11-17 seconds which has cuts but is not distributed. So all I've sliced and diced and stirred is the first 11 seconds. Actually yes. It works.


Got a wonderful fan letter. A person named Star had taken an Arcturus workshop with Suzanne Lie and afterwards had a vision of a shape. Searching the web, Star found the Wholeo symbol that matched the vision. It feels so deep, true, and right to hear this.

wholeo symbol illuminatedIn celebration of this event and the evolution of WholeoOnward, the solstice gleam came to illuminate the Wholeo symbol.

Words for the edge effect I want for bands: ruffle, flare, flute. Thought maybe could combine a wavy line with the sine wave edge for a quick combo sensation of the complexity.


Had some visions of bands coming closer and farther, maybe animated position getting bigger closer. Also could get fuzzy on edges. As if swooping in, not just dipping in one plane. Not sure if this is just my meddling mind or a real vision. I'm looking forward to the new moon on July 4. In preparation, doing MCS and EIEnor color healings.

Without a warning or premonition, I got a stunning message. WholeOOnwarD or wholeOOnward . I'm getting that I have to forgo these seasonal, planetary, spacial things that have been so dear to me. The only way to channel now is to do it through color band frequency and size. I might have to design a whole new website portal. First 20 years: 1997-2016. 2017 onwards. Technologies I used, such as Flash and QuickTime are now obsolete. No more seasonal calendars. No old artwork. If want to add some, put it in the old part.

Thinking about website redesign. Well, that decision was easy. WordPress (NOT) wants $8.25 a month to use my own domain name.

Useful (NOT): (where RTC stands for Real-Time Communications) is a technology that enables audio/video streaming and data sharing between browser clients (peers). As a set of standards, WebRTC provides any browser with the ability to share application data and perform teleconferencing. Was looking at website designers, thinking just find a template so I don't get out of step, something that upgrades with the tech. But I think most solutions are like previous complicated solutions, dead ends. I need something so simple. I think to look at my website on my phone and see what works well and just do that.

I could enter through the Noint Joint and have the new site on top and below, a choice for Wholeo Online 20. WholeOnwards? Could make a new whologo with the tree sap expansion (or gleam) over shaman seed. Dec. 21 is Wednesday, the start of the Wholeo year and I think the new site should debut then.


Note that I'm doing panoramas photographed on my iPhone and posted to Facebook that now shows them with a special viewer to pan and zoom around and in and out of the image.

I'm having to change "rectangle" to "band". In the original frame of reference I find my frame of reference as a rectangle, then change it to frame and square. I then get "heading colors" outside of that and call them "band". But then I start calling the bands rectangles. Very confusing. So I've decided to change the heading color references from rectangle to bands. Have to change this in my mind and beyondframeofreference and blog. Where else? In the blog on 6/20 I mention the "rect language". It has to be "band language". That is so much better anyway, as in bands of frequencies.


Learned that QuickTime should be completely removed from my computer, since Apple has "put QuickTime out to pasture". That will make a great deal of Wholeo Online obsolete.


At Morrison Springs for swimming. Could make a page about Nature Meditation, like Walking Meditation. With the pix of me sitting on that tree base.

I climbed over to and on up to the seat on the cypress in a swamp. It was perfect. At first I was aware that I had asked my friend Sheewho to get my picture. Then I realized I would love to stay and meditate.

It was a visionary meditation. Got partially into that frame of mind I had shared with the Bristlecone trees in 1996 in the White mountains of California, where learned that the tree stays rooted but tree spirits mingle and travel. Went to a perspective where our lifetime is so short compared to theirs. They can hardly recognize us, like brief, tiny ants.

This meditation was more along some lines that Sheewho and I had been discussing, where we find our individual nodes or islands of memories are there, but the links to them aren't. I was seeing tree connections through time and space. Tuning into a global and beyond network. Or was it associations, where links formed and dissolved as consciousness moves on.

Enjoyed the action. Felt privileged to be included. Did not try to turn it into mindless plain old meditation. As when in the water, I felt this could enjoyably go on. Did not seem to be time-oriented or time-limited. Thus it was not clear how to relate to it since my day there was based on time as the way our social life works. I did not feel finished, or done. But I found myself moving to leave.


Earliest beach walk yet. Was home at 6AM, never having seen the sun. Thinking about artwork, seeing how a movie could work. Start out blink blink fast. With water background and slows down into the crystal background. I should try and get a movie with the micro lens. Then start to see the rippling edges and the information there. That might even get magnified. I don't know if it will ever get translated. I'm not just seeing sine waves. There is some kind of double wave where there are ups and downs at the same time.


Trying to match the plant photos I got to the seed photos I got at the Outer Solstice last December. I have identified 1 out of 11 plants as Goldenrod. I might return on future solstice and equinox dates until I can successfully learn them all.


Journal for Seed Stalking day. I woke up many times in the night, practically hourly. I tried to tune into galactic message but couldn't resolve it, that is I have nothing to report and didn't experience anything extraordinary. I asked that it be operative even if I couldn't be aware of it. At 4AM I realized that I'd better get ready to walk because 5-7 was the only 70° or 72° F. weather. After that it would jump to 89°. I set out at 5:45. It was beautiful out. Besides the adventure of my plant-matching-to-seeds mission, the morning light was divine. I was so thrilled to be out there amid rainbow-strobing dew drop grasses with a couple of runners, a rabbit, deer, heron, and at least three gossamer-winged dragonflies. I deemed the struggle was worth it. When I got back, it was quite nice in the tent for breakfast.


Journal for Yoga day (page is incomplete). Thinking that hatha yoga is the active form of meditation, breathing and the other arms of yoga. I did sunrise yoga with global connectivity. For International Yoga Day I posted home photos to Facebook. After packing to camp for a day, drove to my site at Topsail Hill Preserve State Park. Putting up a tent was all I could do, due to the heat. The beach umbrella is over the tent, now named Content Intent Ticlam. I am temporarily out of coulds and woulds for the numerous shoulds. I was going to find a heat yoga but all I can manage is to sit here. Doing "Too-hot-to-move yoga".

Pine tree gleam jewel detailA little before 4:30 I saw a bright light coming from a pine tree trunk maybe 15' up. Got camera and took pictures in rainbow patterns that are gorgeous. Yes, I know it is probably sap or resin that the tree is oozing out. The refraction of light is probably from the mesh roof of the tent between me and the gleam. But it feels like an omen and magical glow hello. I'll take it.

I could not relate to any online yoga posts even though my iPhone could see them. I decided to join the International Community by doing the yoga of meditation during sunset. So I sat. Was full of thoughts. Changed to inward chant: Om Mani Padme Hum. Still doing it. Maybe 20 minutes. In the background was the continual people roar of this place. I hear an occasional bark, children play, accelerating motor, thumps, crashes. But mainly this amalgam, medley, textured sound roar. Maybe like white noise except black and blue. At some point I was aware of profound silence. It seemed like an abrupt change as if everyone had gone to bed at the same time. I adored it. After really tuning in I went back to meditating. Came out of it slowly, more thinking, then realized the park sound was back.


Journal for Full Moon and Inner Solstice day. On the ramp at Deer Lake State Park at 4:54AM. Walking toward the dominant light in the sky, the round bright moon. Light feeling like a solid shaft. At the kiosk, seeing moonlight shining on brain cells, like paved over stones (finely crafted like ones in Peru). It seems like every cell in my body is turned into a brain cell. Bag of marbles. Expanded. Jubilee. I definitely feel a different energy in my frame. Turning to look where I expect sun to appear, visionary field went from zigzag to ballooning. Slight fluttering of the lower edges of the heading bands is information. Spirals whirling. Whirlpools.

Tenderness as rising sun rays throw my shadow toward the moon. During this time off earth, mind was on band boogie. Transitions is where it's at. bands coming from behind, with rippling edges. Moon faded slowly, moving imperceptibly into the haze at sea as sun intensified. Pay attention to the rising sun.

At full moon time the energy flow switched the other way. Moon way, moon-ward. I feel kind of numb, like my attention is arrested . I've sort of locked my attention on some point. Searching for how I was rooted. ..It's not in these dunes, or this time, or this Gulf, or these events. It's liquid crystals, diamond crystals, Geome. Geome is my personal portable reminder of that.

Geome reminder of the full moon solstice draw

Live and learn is going around, turning around The galactic beams coming through earth illuminating those crystals in my root. It's like an opposite Milky Way. I first felt it as a glow. Like coming up my thighs and my tail. A tail light. Totally what is unseen is what's important. Can I really honor this all day, until the solstice? And the moon coming up. I guess I'll have to come back. I feel this uplifting energy. The sun is bright but the energy from the galaxy and the moon is billions times bigger. It's like I'm locking, what do you call those things that Leo did, those crosshairs. Register. Like I'm setting those up along a line of earth. It will always be kind of like a cup, holding energy. Energy points. I wonder if I could see it on a celestial sphere. The path through the stars.

Walking back to the road. Somehow, the crystals are lining up with Geome, getting little reference points. Tracking. I kind of feel like I’ll be lucky to get home. Because my attention is so inner. I’ve gone to that place before. It’s just so loving and joyful. Don’t know if I’ll cry or do nothing. Someone told me their guru said it was good to walk and meditate, sounding as if that was permission or reason to do it. Why is that more important than feeling the benefit? People quote gurus, and I always think or say, "What does it matter what they say?" (On the other hand) Is it possible to not be influenced by others? Maybe I’m not able to, I just think I am.

Then there are fleeting thoughts like they or he or she or something set up this particular lineup where you would feel what it is like off earth and all day feel what it is like through earth. Then again, I might, never sure.

Hello Day. I can hardly type. It is 6:55 and I’m back from sun-moon adventure. But part of me is gone. Reminds me of when I was taken to ancient civilizations in Peru. Except then I knew it happened but I don’t remember that the day-to-day self felt diminished. Now I do. Shamanic Caroling is most of me and is done gone in inner earth. It could go on all day.

Copying photos from camera, looking at the morning light on the balcony, kind of dreading the whole sunny day, realized I slightly cling to each moment, wanting to remember, probe, record, completely mesh with essence. This makes a slight drag to all my experience. Never quite in present moment because grasping onto the last. Is there a fear of complete acceleration if I let go? Yes I think there is this fear of release. If I’m forced to let go, will I, could I experience an ungrasping moment, or will utterly flash out?

I need to think about the evening. All day I'll be connecting to GC through earth. Continuing phase 3 of the morning. True until sunset at 7:47PM. Then another phase I haven't considered yet. Phase 4. When both sun and moon below earth surface, at least visually, for me. What would that feel like? So there is about a 12-minute gap, supposedly, before moonrise at 7:59PM.

I did carolyoga and took a nap during the day. For the moment of solstice I meditated from 5:15-5:45PM. Felt the arrows that I saw once coming through earth into me. The ones in wholeoGalactic art came for the first new moon after the Inner Solstice of 2014. Feel that the band language is valuable direction. Felt a lot of the love. By sunset, I could not face a walk back to the ramp in the heat. Clouding up in west so sun probably not visible anyway. I did not record or remember anything from the evening meditation. Too bad.


I must be ever more inwardly attuned. At 7:30AM saw EIEnor. Saw that the colored band language in Beyond Frame of Reference relates to those 14 squares. When I get these visions I try to pin them down knowing I could be falsifying all the way. Most basically, I think the only way I can perceive the talk is with expanded brain cells. Like an instrument, electronic device. But my seeing them is right that they are outside our (my) frame of reference. Can see a really cool movie with the EIEnors below and the flashes above, in sync. I did an EIEnor color healing to guide this action.


Did a MCS Message Generator healing. Just remembered fleeting vision of a way to show the invisibility, have video of me having a vision and during it I blink off and on. Sometimes off. While knowing I'm on.


On my mind is the constant return to the local harangue of beach rights online. I'm almost to the point of going to no more meetings, reading no more contentious posts on Facebook, disengaging from the political wrangling over the beach. This is partly selfish. Stop. All selfish. I want to reclaim my mind for art and the frou frou of my delight. Just like I was through the civil rights of the 50s, the battles of the 60s, practically the whole 20th century before I retired and had time to look at the news on the web and TV. It is pretty amazing now and then to hear of horrendous things going on in the world during most of my life and I was oblivious, in my own art world. Just think, I married a man that just a few hundred miles away, could not sit next to a white person. Our marriage was illegal there. I did not know that was true. I'm not sure if he knew. We lived in the Art World, a blessed place to be. Gotta get back. Maybe starting today.

Am unsure about blogging about being transparent. I don't know if it is schitzy sick or what it is from the outside at all. I'm just trying to be true to my experience. We are all really afraid of differing, of being excluded from the group, of scaring others. If I'm really onto something and have found a new door or am actually mutating I'm afraid that will threaten people. Maybe someday I'll return to this paragraph and understand something valuable to communicate about it.

That said, I remember coming back from my walk not tired, going to the mailbox. Feeling complete, whole, OK, and yet like what is important is maybe in those flashing bands of colors appearing up top, outside the frame of reference. I may be reading them, talking in them. Maybe even preparing for something.


I've been waking before sunrise to walk on the beach, taking many photographs, each day seeing more and different things. Today I became so super-saturated with the beauty at the inoutfall that I was unable to continue photographing. Might be similar to trying to paint the north woods in the mid-1950s, when the mismatch between my experience and what was paintable became too great. I could no longer paint from nature. It just gets beyond recording, beyond experiencing, transported into pure beauty feeling. Now I'm wishing that I did do a movie but at the time, could not lift a finger.

Earlier I saw a cloud that looked like a square with a chef's hat. It is slightly skewed already, fast changing. Should have zoomed in for the square. Thought it was an omen of my artwork and stay tuned for geometry. Later saw and photographed a cloud triangle. O yes and now the circular sand. Should say oval.

More and more feeling like an electronically generated hologram that is on the way to being projected elsewhere. Jerky, like a starwars Leia. Here, but not here.


Woke up knowing I was dying. I guess I couldn't breathe. Then I could.


Have been so occupied with local beach and parks. Then doing yoga, at one point when kneeling and doing the final mudras, I came to a still point. Whole body seemed balanced, poised, sufficient. Is this meditating? Suddenly cleared. It was as if there was a plan for the body or a faint outline. But nothing to see or feel. Remembering it, can almost induce the state again. Here but not here.


Interesting dream. I can't get enough air. Trouble breathing. The computer windows are narrowed down, that is I have or am narrowing them down to display more side by side at a time. But the contents might not wrap around inside the windows. Which constricts my breathing.


Not sure when these visions were but maybe yesterday and today. The vibes up top, that is the bands did what I said they could, turned to reveal their vibe natures, slanted, right or leftness. Angle to us was the second vision, like rolodex, or what is a more general non-jargon description. What looks like a flat band from the front, when turned to right is a fan of bands mounted at base on a horizontal rod, so numbers of them radiate from the central axis or core.


Should record the understanding that a flat band can be tipped to appear slanted or longer or shorter like a vibe shape seen previously. It is just more generic or basic.


Lying in bed had significant vision of what it looks like beyond of the square. It is not what it looks like, it is how it affects us. I was thinking of Jeff and how I've never really communicated the innovation of the biologists' idea that they got funded. As I reviewed the page that I got (that is the main points) , the T-mobile advertising approach, which I think is incredibly effective, kicked in. The heading colors started flickering up and down, still in the upper portion. Varying in length of stay, frequency of appearance, transparency, vertical position, height of band. So there was a bombardment of bands on our screen. It reminded me of the table of elements in colors that I saw and liked on Facebook ( Emission Spectra of the Elements).

Also the way astronomers judge distance by spectroscope and red-shift. I was also getting sounds with this, shifting in unexpected bleeps and whisks and puffs and gongs in beat rhythm, assynchronized with color.

Is the most I can do is suggest how we expand our attention to wavelengths? And they are not vibes. It is as though I was seeing them skewed and from the side. Now seeing head-on.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking this could be combined with nature experiences. Eventually, I want to integrate the beyond into the within.

So I got up. It is 4:50. Probably want to leave for beach in 30 minutes. Would like to get the tern nest waypoints onto phone.

When what Carol wants to do is play with colors right now.

Visions of the horizontal band language (see above) mixed with nature movies feeling these two don't have to be mutually exclusive.


Had a creative thought about yesterday's vision, that the square is not our frame of reference, which collectively we have projected beyond everyone's reach. The square is how I can scale it down, in order to see beyond it. Trouble is I don't know how to see beyond without projecting.

Just before going to sleep was thinking of it as a cube, so I could be in it. Got out WINA, looking at Wonder in her storage block.


Walking out this morning in the crisp 60° F air, birds singing, I tuned into aura. It is all crystals and starlight. How can I do art about that? Then saw myself walking along in a flat rectangle. Maybe 7' square, enough to surround me. Like polystyrene or some light foam pellet plastic material. Maybe 2 or 3" thick. My body is embedded in this. Even though face and rest of body protrudes from the front and back of the plane, I don't see or feel around it. I have no idea what is around it. That is, maybe I do. Yes I do. I do know more. But my frame of reference keeps me bound. I'm continually limited.

Thinking that all our art representations are like that, our computer screens and TV. Even if we did holograms, they would just be expanded descriptions based on our square.

I could play with artwork. I know that I've expressed insights like this before. One could find a million similar wisdom readings. According to this perception, thinking outside the box is just expanding the plane out. I feel like I did in Scotland in 1954, when I first decided that yes, I'm an artist. I had no actual idea of what Art was or what I would do. All I knew then was to study what the world called art and try my hand at it.

So here I am back to square 0. World can't help. There are many that claim they can. But my path doesn't lead out there. All I can think of to do is go back to the OAR16. I need to have a beyond OAR something or other. Somehow. Some way. Someday.


Walking Lake2Lake, seeing the broken water main still bubbling out, more forcefully than it has done for a month now. An arrow painted on the road indicates someone marked it. Why not fix it? In free time, searching for a tent trailer for my car. Searching for ways to take 4K video, either with iPhone or new camera. Searched in vain.


Mixed emotions seeing a photo of my grandson Leo A., named after my son. In 1992, Leo G., while enjoying flying like a bird, died crashing to earth. The grandson has a poster of Uncle Leo G. up in the air. In the new photo Leo A. is standing on a teeter-totter, jumping and saying "Like Uncle Leo. I've been practicing." Oh young Leo A., I so hope you keeping staying up.


People are caring for wildlife in DLSP. They've counted 45 nests in the Least Tern colony (LETE). I saw two from the water's edge. The turtle watch walker was out looking for sea turtle nests. The Audubon shorebird caretaker used my photo of tire tracks driving over the ropes into a bird nesting area to publicize a seminar on beach driving for local officials.


Today was a big adventure, getting me closer to alligator than I have ever been in my life. On another hike in Deer Lake State Park, a park service ranger had raved about an older restoration site with wonderful trumpet flowers or pitcher plants. He described how to get there, so that was my morning's mission.

Well What is going on? I got scared on walk and although home in chair which is the safest place that I know in the world, I still feel on the edge of terror, like any minute my world could crumble and I could be in the jaws of an alligator twisting me to death. I can't remember ever being so deeply scared as this. Why doesn't it go away once I recognize the danger is over? Maybe I'm in shock. But it was all just intellectual, seeing signs that could mean danger is near, but had no actual confrontation. I should start from the beginning.

Woke at 5:30AM, knowing probably should go straight to some walk. Computer temp said 71 and getting warmer quick with sunny day. Yikes. My problem was that I didn't know where to go. Beach? Walk around here for quick and easy? Very drawn to power lines but unsure of bug situation. Finally settled on exploring the loop that we had identified starting at the shop to investigate the "trumpet flower" site that the park ranger had mentioned. Got some tea and drove to the old access road. Very aware that I passed no trespassing signs and park boundary signs. No sign of life at the shop. The sky was overcast.

Got to the pitcher plant site, walked in to the edge and stood in amazement for a long time. The sun came out as I stood there and I was so happy. Just zoomed into so many beauties. Finally, feeling exhausted, thought I had better finish the loop. Went to the top and was happy the road down was less traveled. Soon, though, realized I was very close to wetlands. At one point thought I heard rumbling. Not the big chainsaw roars but kind of grumbling. Not too happy about that.

Saw alligator track to the righthand side of the road. Fresh, clear, big, completely terrifying. I looked back and saw I had been walking beside it, not noticing, did not see where the track started. I looked ahead and the track went on. I could not see a turn. I kept walking to where the track disappeared in a creek crossing to the right (west). I retreated to the east, up somewhat into the forested or drier area. Pondered my choices. I had no idea how fresh the track, whether that alligator was right there in the water. I could see the road on the other side that I should take to finish the loop.

The fuzzy unfocused video stays on as I'm talking, trying to figure out where to go. The last part of the road to finish the loop looks quite dark. I could not bear to walk back closer to that alligator track. Which to me still has all the feeling of alligator. Period. I decided if I ever walk that segment, I'll start at the other end. Today I walked east, away from the creek, back towards the pitcher plants.

It was very easy going through low shrubby plants. Finally got to one of the stakes that I had photoed from the east side. Got a good view of the pitchers to the south. Not hard to get back to the road. Very tired. Sweaty. Quick.

How strange that I'm paying immediate attention to the scary part of my walk. How about the beauty? See a page devoted to it.


Invited for Mother's Day brunch with my friend's relatives. The weather is perfect for sitting outdoors.


Joined the Florida Trail Panhandle Chapter hiking in Camp Helen State Park. The trail has been extended by the lake. After two miles I got surprisingly tired. I left the group early. Shared photos with the event Meetup site.


Tested GPS Tracker on the DLSP NW trail. I hoped to see the bird to determine if it is a chuck or nighthawk but it did not appear. Also the waypoints are ones associated with photos from my camera. Not very precise.

A little farther north I found an animal track across the road that riveted my attention. I thought "alligator". After studying tracks on the web when I got home, I am pretty sure it is. Disconcerting that it emerged from the forest, heading downhill to the lake. The photo is in a reply to the Facebook post linked on 2016-05-02.


Finally made a down payment on an Altwork Workstation. I have studied it for awhile and think it will improve my web working and save my body. Since the business address is near my sister in California, I asked her to investigate. Her son works with someone related to the founder. Today I heard that they can't be involved in the purchase or delivery so I'm on my own.


Thinking about my "think positive" need. Not a directive, not a should, not a must, just a heartfelt desire that is under attack. A positive possibility is that if my newly purchased phone GPS tracker app works, I won't have to go from app to app copying, creating and transferring hike info. Plus on my phone I'll be able to see my waypoints on a map with my current location. Must test ASAP.

A persistent vision is that the cracked rocks are themselves animated. That is, my whole spin net aura opens and closes apertures between the rocks. But the rocks have cracks, their surface is not closed. So they are breathing, opening and their rocks enlarge and collapse irregularly too. The vision is of such extraordinary complexity. It is like Janis Joplin overdosed, it was all too much. Too far out. Too Brilliant. And yet as I headed into yoga, knowing I need to create models to know it.

Watched American Masters, a TV show on Janis Joplin. Many songs I did not recognize. Ball and Chain was one of the first ones I danced to. I distinctly remember first seeing her at the Fillmore in 1967, I think. I thought she looked like me and she felt like me. I felt intimately related to her. Like we were the same. I can't say it as well as the program tonight did. It said that that high an art demands a price. It said that her inspiration to you was not that you want to be like her, you feel empowered to be yourself. I understood very little of her talk, but one part was clear when she was describing how she and the audience did it together. She puts something out. Crowd gives something back, is not just responding, is also creating. She goes from there. It is a co-creation. However, I think that she or what she channeled is greatly embodied in me. The way I want to dance is quite like her singing. As is a lot of my art.


Had one of the best hikes ever up into Deer Lake State Park. In Google Earth have have added waypoints of photos to major features in Google Earth, saved as .kml file, which I imported into Google MyMaps so I can view them in a browser or embed on a web page.

First startled a strange bird later identified as a common nighthawk or chuck. I posted this to Facebook here (not sure how accessible this is).

Then at the seepage slope restoration site, was able to walk on islands of cut bush stems to view progress of flagged sundews, tiny pitcher plants, and fringed orchids started from seedlings, which were thriving since I saw them last. In a depressed area which might have been wetter, found yellow butterworts and a couple of exotic-looking flowers that Jeff the biologist had photographed so beautifully, posting closeups to the web. I got photos of the tiny sundews with each drop of moisture sharp and clear. Previous photos were fuzzy. Farther up the road, when I turned around, I found a downy woodpecker doing carpentry on a tree. Am preparing a web page on this hike.


Various irregularities on phone and computer make me feel hacked. Plus my Open Office Writer file is getting locked, which is very inconvenient. There are single-user versions for Windows and Linux, not Mac. I downloaded Libre Office as a replacement. However find in forums that it could get incorrect locks too. Spent hours trying to track down how to fix it. As of 5/4 Libre Office is fine and unlocked.


I see a pattern of my social boundaries emerging. My art is more important than the concerns of Audubon, park people, wildlife protection employees, residents, and any people. More important than nature itself. My quest is galactic and the wildness is just a setting to get in tune with the whole. The pattern is that I reach out for love and friendship and approval but I can't trust myself and no one can trust me to stay. Either suddenly or gradually my art mind will prevail. Thinking of all those people who signed up on Facebook for a nature group and how I could let them down.

This morning on walk when I got to the park ramp, I realized I resented having "police" thoughts. That is, thoughts about dogs, garbage, wildlife protection, holes and mounds in the sand. In addition, going to meetings, calling, contacting representatives about issues affecting park usage. Even organizing thoughts about local issues weighs me down.

On the way back I did get into my visions of caverock aura and wondering how to animate it? If do it in Photoshop and Premiere Pro, it won't be really 3D. Could do sequences of each rock in various stages of large to small and various positions in 3D around an axis, which would be near and far. Then animate different scenarios of open and closed and focusing in various aura areas and ways. The enormity of the work, the busy work, the countless, tedious hours of diddly fiddling with the shapes daunted me. Seriously wondering if describing and conceiving of this in words could suffice. As I write this, maybe the compromise is various graphics, a storyboard in effect.

The trouble with that is that I really want to study how to do it. That is to be animated. Learn what I'm doing by visualizing it. Is it a language? Is it a way to fly? Is it a way to breathe? Is it a way to transform? Is it a way to experience alternate realities? Or a specific one? Am I being contacted and trying to respond? Opening possibilities into unknowns.

On a practical, web work note, it is taking a long time to verify the cosmic event times on the Inner Solstice. The worst problem is finding two conflicting pages on a prominent astronomy website. Eventually other sites emphasized the correct versions. But that took time and effort. Next week on May 11, I intend to start the Inner Solstice 2016 page for planning.


Walking on the beach, was thinking about the star center and the gathering starlight that came into me. Then I remembered the crystal aura of cave rocks, how the shell cracked open. How does that relate? Do they encounter those? But of course they (the rocks) filter them (the star tracks). So I could do a movie of the blocks going to minuscule. So the star tracks come in unfiltered. And when filtered I could show them (the star tracks) coming in like streams of water. That's what it feels like is happening. And I could show it at the moment.

I'm seeing the caverock shell opening and closing like breathing. Suddenly I saw it (the permeable cracked shell) focusing on different parts, enlarging some apertures and closing off others.


Wonderful ECMS meditation. Hard to describe the various experiences. There was a blue time where blue is quested, sought and found. There was a vibe time where I held back a climax that I thought might be disruptive or external. There was some thought about the contradiction between the intensely vertical cardinal birdsong whoot and the horizontal wavelength. Do we make everything horizontal … on purpose? Thought about turning the wavelength 90° and emphasizing it from bottom up, the way I'll scan the birds to match the sound that I think sounds up. Maybe diagonal compromise?

There was a time of mostly rainbow colors, a solid state of diamonds.

When I sat down my right knee felt stressed and I wondered how I could sit the whole time with it. Then I just relaxed it and said to myself, "we don't have to be uncomfortable". And that was it. No pain or structural problems. Each cell was elated to be participating. Like being diamonds. There was a liquid time. A time of gentle loving healing of the circle and each person in it. A time of being like the Cladonia lichen that opens up when weather is wet and becomes green, photosynthesizing. Felt the beneficent moisture.

After meditation, I sat through the entire talk without hearing it. I guess the happiness of the meditation mellowed me. I remember thinking I could leave and do something in my car. I thought about how important I usually think my time is. And yet I felt completely willing to just sit there for 45 minutes.


Good informative info about restoration in PWSF: about PWSF. I can now take 4K video on iPhone for greater detail, especially in stills taken from the video.


Explored the SW corner of DLSP that is not on the biologist's restoration map. In fact doesn't need it. Titi is gone, wetlands have a few big trees. A biologist said the red flags all over indicated white fringed orchids. I saw pitcher plants, sundews, threads, ropes and hatpins. Great place to watch for orchid development with easy access from the road.


Spring break traffic is very crowded. In good communication with Kris Erickson of New Zealand who is updating me with annual info of the Leo Geary Memorial Trophy.


iPhones in stores. Not at Wal-mart. Went next to Verizon where I became a customer.


Walkthoughts while puzzling what to do with the massive amount of information about the park. I'm conflicted about everything. My multiple personalities are rendering me inactive. Still not sure if should show people the way to walk to the pitcher plants. Maybe just make it an armchair experience. I'll do the exploring. They can see what is there.

Did DLSP nature path. Simple, easy, allows lots of creative thought. Connect with the mother mystic mama. Ended up really wondering who gets to schedule Caroling's time. Thinking about the owner with dog illegally off leash thing is snarly mess but mostly not really directly impacting me. More a matter of principle and prevention. Survival is more important. That might be it. Connections and other art expressions really directly impact my survival more.

And how about the Honda airbag recall issue? Since I've been driving with a potentially fatal airbag for 2.5 years, I might as well wait another two months to get it fixed.

On TV Fat Guys in the Woods program on the weather channel last night at 9 the leader propooses eating deer lichen. "This is like a buffet right here. It's called reindeer moss. Can't promise it will taste good but it is nutritious. Every animal in the arctic area eats this stuff. This is 98% carbs and that's more than a potato by weight. It is really acidic. So it is going to hurt our stomachs. We have to leach all the acids out. The best way to do that is boiling water and a little bit of wood ash. This moss is a lichen, two organisms together, algae and fungus. Boil water and put wood ash in it. Teaspoon? Strain that solution off. Boil it again and strain off. Boil it again in a fresh change of water. Then rinse it off and eat it. They do it and then he says the water is looking pretty clear. Don't drink the water. Not much of a flavor. Feels like you are eating a sponge."

Should draw a brain with liquidify in Photoshop pulling out parts of head in different directions? Finally decided to engage all parts of my personality in a beginning web page about DLSP restoration. Link.

TODO someday, add the memory of watching Tim Leary dying in 1996 by almost daily posts to the web and declaring that he wins that gets most of his work online. His home page had a picture of his front door. There were virtual reality panoramas (by Janie Fitzgerald) of each room as you roamed online to the inner sanctum. His sanctuary and bedroom. Where he lay dying. I still cannot believe to this day that his relatives and managers of his estate were not able to honor his wishes. In the end his winnings were the immense influence he had on our generation by the way he lived his life and the insights he shared on the way. I should make a page like that. Life gives me daily reminders of my immenent mortality. Stiff as I try to stand up. Inexplicable pains like unexpected lightning. Hints that maybe a doctor could fix this or that. Only a threat of hurricane or need for assisted living would cause me to move. So maybe I could make a home page dedicated to his.


Working on a "State of the Park 2016" web presentation based on what I learned and where I went with the biologists on 3/22. It is out for approval. Also starting to learn the bird banding language for the snowy plovers on the DLSP beach.  


My friends are starting a Buddhist sangha, which sounded friendly. However, a meeting watching an expert talk, with discussion afterwards, made me realize I need to do and be, not study the concepts over and over again. My hearing loss makes group discussions problematic. So I went on a rant in my journal.

I'm not interested in what they do. I can't hear the discussion. Moreover I don't want to discuss passive media. They are passive Buddhists except for meditating, they attend to the ideas of others. They do nothing from within. "Mindfulness" sends me into a tizzy fit. They are at base mental Buddhists. And that's the kind of Buddhism that fits with the intellectual Unitarians. I love them but I left them, not to return. what attracts me to ECMS is getting to know all the far-out directions in our community, even if the presentation is usually talk/mental, the content often is about a practice, a creative interaction or service. Hard to get to the core of my discontent, which is based on what is content for me. Feeling like caring for our park is active buddhism or shamanism or holy moly directionism.


Walking to the beach, veered off into a large vacant area of low sand dunes, several lots. Fascinated by what I have by-passed for 14 years. Got many photos of damaged deer lichen. I had noticed the same deterioration on deer lichen the day before, going into the forest. Could it be air pollution from all the new building projects near here?


iPhone SE orders start. This is important to me because I lost my iPhone 4 and need a new phone. I'm investigating ways to walk to the sites in Deer Lake State Park that the biologists showed me on 3/22. There are no public roads for driving in the park, but many old logging roads to go on foot.


Wakeup dream view of sun, earth, moon lineup heading for spacetime of Easter. I'm looking at it from ahead off to the side away from the Galactic Center. Did a sketch of it in Photoshop. Where to post? As I did it, was close to full moon time of 7:31AM CDT.


The biologists who are restoring parts of Deer Lake State Park took me on a fascinating three-hour tour of their sites and activities. I have several topics to add to my web pages and social media sites. Also I need to contact some friends about how they might be involved. Now I have three big projects: the park, the Old Age Retreat report and fixing broken things.


Watched the movie "Gravity" on TV. After they banged into the Space Station it was miserable chaotic struggle for the sole survivor, a woman. Comparing this movie to Mars, with a human struggling in space to survive, Mars was far more fun, interesting, and instructive. Gravity was just physically torturous. I can't say I learned anything from it except her vision of her friend and fellow astronaut that saved her life a couple of ways. First by knowing what to do when their vessel was destroyed and getting her to the space station. At that time we just felt the emotions of loss of gravity, footing, anything to grasp. Then the passive emotions of being saved. The second way was his suicide, by letting go so she could get to the space station.

She had the vision and got courage from it, the impetus to survive. It showed her looking at manuals, guessing what to do, making a few mistakes. But no info, no details, just emotional exercising. What was so great about Mars is that it showed human creativity by example. How he took what was left and innovated with it. And of course the dimensions of government, corporations, other astronauts, made it rich and more pertinent to our life experiences. Sorry Bullock and Clooney, who are some of my favorite actors. Another thing is the title Gravity. The loss of it and the return to it is the theme, but not really artistically emphasized enough. Seems incidental. Are there really jet-steered chairs working in orbit? Well, OK, Gravity is well-worth watching in spite of my critique.


Honored the Dark Earth Hour by turning off all the lights in my house from 8:30-9:30 CDT. People and cities worldwide celebrate this practice. The idea is to bring awareness to climate change and enjoy natural earth light not dependent on artificial energy.

I sat in the dark, meditating and walking part of the time. Got that I was a node among every other node, each one the whole and yet experiencing it at a point. It was thrilling, exhilarating. Some thoughts about scale. Reassured that scale was just existing, not negotiable. But how can a star relate to something so tiny and distant as me? Wondering is what it is all about. Assembling objects of wonder. Not explaining but caressing and addressing wondrous life whether grasped or not.

The self chose? The star center. Experiencing the node of beingness, star center is this unique place where everything comes together. And yet, at every other point we all (it all, they all?) comes together at every other point. Just being at this particular node makes me cry with gratitude. Just to know that it is. The kind of feeling I have is the whole thing is every other place whole.


For the Spin Net Heartspace, I haven't done a picture of the fibers connecting to the jewels around the edge. How to get the feeling that the current view is a cross-section and the envision Spin Net is all around, not flat? But I'm not really sure. Are the jewels rings?


Drove into Point Washington State Forest with Sheewho. We walked down the road to the new yet undeveloped primitive campsites. From Eastern Lake hiked up the new pink tagged trail and back. Had a picnic in the shadiest part because it was too hot in the sun. Greeted a paddle boarder on the loose who came by with some kayakers.


Last night I had one of those wake-up to blast in face dreams that I had in Content.


Leo Geary's birthday. Yesterday when I was thinking about posting the photo Flying Free to social media, I got news from Kris Erickson about the 2016 winner of the Leo Geary Memorial Trophy for best new pilot at the annual competition in New Zealand. What a coincidence. I made this page for Leighton Joll (trophy winner for 2016) and made a page for Rob Boyle (2010).


Home. Exhausted still. I don't think I can go camping any more except say for overnight when going somewhere. Even that would be too much work. I have satisfied the lust for starry night. I have realized I can't be outdoors all the time. Can't take temperature fluctuations. Plus our skies are too light polluted. Can't see the stars that are there.

I got perspective. Falling forward. But I note that I still have strong emotions about public policy, ordinances, meetings, policies. Ideally, these would not have such a personal emotional element. Really? What is good is that I'm noticing and becoming more aware of my attitudes.

When reading Camping Day 7, about the star center connection, I feel it in my body, as real, vivid, effective and happening as ever. Like a feature got turned on. Non-lapsing. As I ooze into it my body perception diminishes and switchboard sensation expands.


OAR16 Camping Day 8, Sunday. During the night I was awakened by a large explosion or shot or bang or crash. Felt like it was in my face and I drew back my head forcefully. Then, of course, the silence, the tension of wondering "is that all?" Mind cycled through the possibilities: my new stove cannister not attached fully, firecracker, gun, something else in my belongings that ignited and will soon burst into flames. Or it was a dream? Could work on it as if it were a dream.


First thing that comes to mind are those people with the grand tent and dark-annihilating lights. They wreck the environment passively, now aggressively. I don't get far with that. How about the cumulative effect of the insights gained on this retreat. Separately and conceptually they seem to indicate more study. But on a cellular and lifelong level, changes are shocking. A cause to wake up and take notice. What parts of the dream are there? Caroling. Caroling's reaction. Explosion. I'll do journaling dreamwork, taking all the parts, starting with being the Questioner, Q.

Q: Caroling can you be yourself at the moment of awakening and perceiving and creating the story that something exploded? Tell the story.

C. I'm lying on my right side. The sleeping bag is over my head. As I pull my head back the bag is pushed back fast. I'm facing the wall of the tent. Everything is still and quiet. I'm alert, not knowing what to do. What happened? The thoughts listed above race through my mind. None indicate anything I can do. Did March come in like a lion? (Looked it up. Weather Channel said thunderstorm. What I got were gusts of wind that shook my mattress, call it underpinnings or foundation. So yes is like a lion somewhat.) I remember seeing Leo constellation, noting I was falling back on old taught thought patterns and pattern-seeking. Seems like a long time passed, must have slept, looked up and the same stars were there. A big planet. Jupiter?

Q: Caroling's reaction (CR), could you express how you feel in the dream as it happens?

CR: Taken aback. Scared. Apprehensive. Jolted. Shocked. Awakened to sense what action Caroling needs to take next. On alert.

Q: Explosion or whatever you are that caused the events in this dream (E), can you try to be yourself? Can you explain your nature?

E: I'm unknown, beyond, out of the picture. I am the purpose of the retreat and what Caroling has discerned of a message for her life stage of old age. Caroling was going to type "last life stage", but I realized it is unknown what other life stages await or are possible. In myself I simply am. Not good or bad, active or passive. I am a path but Caroling has to take a path, so she's the creator. The explosive quality is the interface between awareness and repercussions, plans, concepts, acts, implementations. It is the cumulative effect of the week. Actually I am notice that Caroling take me seriously. Don't slip back on any patterns that are seen to be distracting. Make this week count. Make the cold nights worth it. "We gotta get out of here, If it's the last thing we ever do. Girl there's a better place for me and you." Old song expresses part of the feeling. "Stop the world, I want to get off" expresses another aspect. "good, good, good, good vibrations" is another oldie but goodie.

Q: Wow E, you seem to be behind it all, a force. Maybe an evolutionary force?

E: Aw shucks. Moi? I'm just dream actor.

Vision of a glowing face creature with lightning vertical non-stop between brows up forehead, down nose. Would seem to be the head-on version of the turtle I saw for Al Drucker, with the flat circular body and arced down legs. But this more bug-like. Alien friend being like. {Note I wrote "turtle" but the vision for Al was of a spider.}

End of Dreamwork

Loving this lingering yoga with some reverent holy feelings. Some just-into-yoga thoughts. But so much ego. Fear over and over returning thoughts about getting out of here in time. Will I do it right? Can I indulge in this morning and finish gracefully? Should I stop? What time is it? Constant nagging indecisions or challenging the existing decision. About the probable next people. Will they come and say when are you leaving (I prepare the best answer)? Will they be prowling around watching to see when I leave (self-consciousness)? Pride over my yoga, many parts of which went really the way I'd like.

Now 10AM. Half done with yoga. Start leaving now, should have enough time. What fun. Please honey, do see the funny and the fun. Otherwise, what's the use? I was out of Topsail at 11:45. About half a dozen trips from site to car. I walked slowly and drove straight home. Zinc sunscreen works for sunburn but there must be something about exposure that cooks the hell out of me. I can hardly move. I ache all over. Took a nap but still feel wasted. I wonder if I felt this way for days and ignored it.


OAR16 Camping Day 7, Saturday

Dew drops on Content meshThis was the peak night and wakeup morning of my retreat. It is 7:30AM and I have been awake in Content since 6. Sun did not appear until 6:25 or so. I am still roofed over with diamond jewel dew drops that very occasionally dew drop. Or do drop. The ones on the mesh screen windows are almost all gone. I am not aware of any condensation on objects within the tent.

Big news is star center. I don't remember the sequence or recording or even star T start of my dedicating this night to star-gazing. I watched as sun went down last night. I waited for the first star and it was Sirius. I can't remember what I should have written down. Think I probably went to sleep at 8. Three pees. Each one enjoying the stars.

Not to look for patterns that are familiar. Not to look for constellations. Not to look for the brightest stars. Look for the dimmest I can see. It could be small close and new. Or it could be far and older. If it were farther, the light would have been traveling longer and I would get older messages. I need perspective. As a base line of being beyond what came to me after birth, was taught to me by older people, studied or learned from old trees like the Bristlecone or lichens.

It came to me that I have a star center. I was looking at such a star of my intent. The beam was a two way communicator. I don't know what it said. Unless it formed what I need to describe. Communicating with stars is a natural feature of a person.

I don't know if as Castaneda writes, women have it more naturally because of internal reproductive organs or a secondary function not available to men. I think that is a valuable but faulty perception. True in parts. Inspiring. Pointing a way but not generally true.

It has to be turned on, stimulated, acknowledged. Who knows what else it needs that I haven't completed. I became aware either before sleep or during the night. I gazed a bunch.

At one point the whole environment seemed star-studded. We only see a tiny bit of stars with eyes or telescopes of wavelengths, even radar and pulsar are limited. Actually there are or is nothing but stars. We project a space unknowingly. Actually I don't know the relationship between stars and space. But in that perceptive moment of insight, stars are allspace filling. Imagine a dome or sphere of stars close packed. There was a sense that they weren't like marbles, they were paths, so more like indefinite thin cylinders. OMG I guess they could be called fibers. Maybe I am connecting with Castaneda here. But there was also a vision of honeycomb or hexagonal shapes close-packed along with the perception that it wasn't a surface or a mesh. Take it as a suggestion of some aspect of this connection.

Another feature is that this perception is not visual, does not depend on light in dark so it is going on all the time, day and night. This seemed to account for two darks. The dark matter of the universe described by physicists and the unused brain cells described by who? Whom? Neurologists? Generally various sciences find great amount of inexplicable, so called dark, areas in and around us.

I forgot to mention a passing thought that maybe recapitulation engages new brain cells, which Carlos is calling the Dark Sea. When these unused brain cells get started, evolution engages. So the process is not outside ourselves as Carlos hints. Although I'm not sure he describes the dark sea as outside. I might have incorrectly assumed he did.

Want my last day here to be as inward as possible.

Typical reversal, I look outside. I guess I'd prefer Longleaf but I've got pine cones. Can't remember name of tree (Sand pine). There's them, zoom in to pine cones. Kind of like old age. You are going to die and drop all your cones and you hope some take root.

Continuing with a celebratory drink of wine. Have to say sorry Carlos, I think I'm a direct connect to star fibers. Just coming right into me. I do not need a sphere. I do not need a point of assembly. Because as a cluster of cells, we do this whole thing all together. We do not have a hierarchy which is. Although we may not be able to maintain this past the retreat.

Seem to be questioning my habit of seeing with eyes. {Next day}


OAR16 Camping Day 6, Friday. Cardinal is urging me up. Wow, seeing a blue light oval by shoe at tent edge. Urging me to go? Wanted to mention while making breakfast had quite a whistling conversation with one main and other secondary birds.

I need to gather some starlight. Just thought of it as light that has traveled this huge distance. It has to have different qualities or abilities or consciousness than photons emitted near here, from Sun or planets.

Maybe I should do yoga in the next two hours so can start star-gazing from sunset on.

I saw a star over there but when focused it wasn't there. Still isn't. But is it possible that I perceive way more stars than I see with eyes. That is that eyes receive, signal goes to visual cortex in brain, and mind recognizes as a star. Could be that this screen blinds me, so my funky old mechanisms can't adjust.

Sun has gone down. I'm sitting on floor so can't see the horizon. Scanning for the first star. {Next day}


OAR16 Camping Day 5, Thursday. Wonder where can see sunrise around here. Should be sunrise in a minute. OK, Caroling come to the point.

You are not here to indulge in pretty scenes or the memory or the concept of them. You are here to deconstruct framing of self as earth body. You are here to become comfortable in energy body.

The first days of the retreat were packed with insights. Now just pain and trying to survive. Suddenly a blazing whistle, the singular wheep of the cardinal. Stunned me. Feeling intensely vertical. I've never liked it. Maybe because it is so uncompromisingly sharply singular. My hand and whole right arm hurt vaguely. Little sparkles and jabs and jets of pain in hand or fingers sometimes. So tired. Knees aching, just sitting here. Wondering if I am getting sick. That would be excuse to go home. Am I making myself sick? Am I just getting deep out here and scared of the depth. Will it be beneficial to endure and see it out? Maybe greater goodies await if I can stand it.

Is MruneDid I write a Carolyoga practice to reverse the Leo to pineal/pituitary Cob on out to Is Mrune? Vision to lower left. Blue center, deep, dusky red large laconic swirl one way indistinctly. Light yellow greeny swirl not tight but sharp like incoming sensations maybe, to the center side of the red background. {When writing this I get the feeling I did a graphic something like that in Staten Island.} When closing eyes in yoga today visions come on.

Now at spread legs seated to bend to left leg, right leg and in between to floor. See a shoe, like suede soft moccasin. Within at the heel is reflecting water, like is in the earthballs open. Transparent with the spore stuff half gone. Leaving the little islands. Feeling maybe rhizines, mycelium below. I think either a left or right footstep. Love the cardinal teaching. Did video of the conversation.

And my whoosht continual urging up. It goes horizontally in time. It goes up in some way, that I don't know. Is it loudness? Seems like it's coming at me too. When first hearing I felt it going right up my spine. Like a cardinal chakra being binging. Later there is slightly different double wheest. Same bird? There do seem to be discrete notes in there but I hear it all as one whoost. It's amazing that that's all they say. {Next day}


OAR16 Camping Day 4, Wednesday. Ate in light-drenched, wind-breaking hut. I broke the no-fire-inside because I doubt I could keep the stove going in this wind. Plus it is so tranquil and convenient in here. Even the lettuce was still crisp and the egg was still good, staying fairly cool in the cooler. I will probably have to get ice and checkup on Wi-Fi later. I feel like taking a retreat from the retreat and just staying in here today.

It seems camping is innovating solutions to make fleeting moments of delight. Content is breathing. This morning on wakeup, tried to capture the breathing dome hut walls but video does not convey it. I am totally reveling in the unexpected twists and turns of my camping adventure.

I was going to write that I opened my eyes and saw a vision. But I was writing with my eyes open. So I must have closed my eyes and had a vision into a sci-fi world. Some huge dark vehicle hovering up to the left. It's wing or arm coming out down towards the right. It had a rectangular projection kind of like a jet engine or casing of old CRT computer. At the end a bulging ultraviolet-colored screen. I had the feeling I was being observed. I said Wow. It blinked off and white and turned off. Vision faded as I thought to write about it

I tried to upload the News and History page saying I was on retreat. Didn't work. {Next day}


OAR16 Camping Day 3, Tuesday. Three deer in meadow. I sat here this morning realizing when aura organization is changed is that time when so easy to go crazy. Must form new assemblage point maybe. Realizing people might say I need a teacher. But I don't know about that.

Thinking about Castaneda's assertion that the dinosaurs invented flying by intending it. Could have intended it any other way. Not the only way to fly.

Then my fibers, how to intend them to my aura. Seeing the vessica (that's what my shape is, except is 3D and rounder than the overlap of two circles). Seeing the fibers connecting to the jewels, that are like chakras. Can't help thinking there are two assemblage points at top and bottom.

That fits with the womb shaman concept. That the womban has a secondary function that men don't have. That connects to a second appoint. I think I'll condense assemblage point to appoint. I hate it when breakfast is over. Instead of contemplating, assimilating, writing, I have to do 3D things.

I've lost Castaneda's concept of the energy points, which are like chakras, multitudinous but 6 main ones, and how they connect with the appoint (Assemblage Point).

Note one effect of retreat consciousness or letting go and opening up to the new is that loss of scale and perception of distance. I just saw the power pedestal out of the corner of my eye and it came to mind, should I say, perceived it as a truck. The outline and general appearance is similar. But a truck would have been way farther away. This kind of thing has happened often on this trip.

If redid my color healing layout with months as jewels around the vessica, that would have a new time aspect in 3D. Which would be the solstices, the points or the rounds? It might be that the V is a pointer. If the months are like hours on a clock face and the V is affixed with the center in the center of the clock, the top point could rotate to the month. December at the top? I'm mixing two metaphors here. If color healing layout. Is one or the other? So do fibers swirl?

Castaneda's world view is full of inconsistencies and holes, to which he always resorts to the ancient shamans' focus on action, not on knowing the explanation. But since he has fibers and a dark sea, how do those two relate?

Remembering a thought I had the other day (meaning I don't remember when). About how I often gyrate towards a sacramental book. Is it just because I was deprived of spiritual aspects of religion as a kid? What was the book I chose as part of my MFA degree? Or was it a book in French? Something about a sacrament. And although I took psychology, my main class was the psychology of religion. And anthropology fact and fiction. And art: Zen painting. Thinking with Castaneda, the whole conceptual search for meaning is a bunch of sand castles.

I see the passes (Sic, I meant to write fibers) as swirling around the vessica like winds. Currents, gusts, eddies.

Another thought had when getting ready for breakfast was how important being mindful is. More so when you are old because accidents have greater consequences and are harder to mend. Or make amends. Even more so when camping. If I spill water on my stuff, it could become impossibly cold. If I break my one cup it means a major effort to replace it. If tip stove, could burn up tent. Must constantly keep attention on the task and its surroundings and impact. Then thought the word "careful" might be more appropriate. Mindful more related to awareness, doesn't carry the action consequences or requirements of care.

Talking to my friend the mosquito hawk saying I'm sorry for shooing it down when I got back from the rest room. I thought maybe you were on your way out and then got confused. But now that you're resting here (it's OK to write. To advanced beings the written is same as spoken word, originating in the urge to communicate), I don't know if I injured, scared or wore you out and you are regaining energy. Or if my teaching continues. I got this story line just now.

There is a balance in time and scale for beings. The smaller the being, the more advanced, the larger the soul or spiritual capabilities. It has learned economies of scale. Same with time. The shorter the lifespan, the more focused the spirit act. Respect the tiny. The tinier, the more. Same with your self respect. For giant planets, you might be the teacher and have more to say than a galaxy. Additional info about flying. Neck shoulders, back wings and tethered to solar plexus and gut. Balloons above. Knot in center. Your flight is your story. That is not right exactly but best I can do. The your flight is x came and dissolved almost instantly. But it was something in line with my vision quest and path, not paragliding or jumping off roofs. Groovy roofy. Feel like I could go back to sleep instead of finishing yoga.

What I said about the large and small is not always or necessarily true. Thinking of bacteria, viruses. And of course the very large that are also largest in soul spirit and either long-lived or eternal are the pinnacle of being. Is it true that the very small can also be largest soulwise and longest and also be a pinnacle? Or would the smallest, shortest, and .. like maybe there are two pinnacles corresponding to the vessicas.

I photographed a sundial of movement across my yoga pad for the hour or two I did it. Sun from the slit of window between the tent top and the mattress leaning on the window.

Later computer did it's totally bizarre behavior. It was closed and asleep. I was doing something else. All of a sudden the Apple light comes on and computer glowing. I lift the lid and of course the sleep is off. I shut it down and close the lid and pull out the power. Freaked out. Still am. What could cause that? {Next day}


OAR16 Camping Day 2, Monday. It is 2AM. The sky is lovely and I've enjoyed it immensely. Suddenly, no, gradually noticed that one wall of my tent was brightly lit. The pattern of branches and leaves was lovely. I had put up the window coverings for privacy. I thought it must be the moon or a large spotlight. As I got up I noticed a swath of stars on the mesh roof that soon focused as drops of water. Gradually dawned on me that it could be the start of rain. That would wreck my trip since almost everything is in here.

Decided to put up the rain fly roof. Dragging that over the top it seemed quite wet. Hard to tell what is wet and what is cold. It takes a big effort to get the roof stretched to the four grommets over the four sides, that is, ends of the poles on the top of the four sides. Warmed my hands once looking around. There are streamy clouds laced across the stars and the moon is past last quarter. Utterly lovely. Wonderfully dark.

My lamp made it really easy to see what to do with the fly. I had occasionally felt moisture on my lips. Wondering if had nosebleed. I know I put in a mirror, but where. Then realized the computer has a Photo Booth app (I have no phone with me). Perfect mirror. No. Nose is runny but not in my mouth and is not red at all.

I had watched the constellation Orion and all the familiar stars. I think Gemini. Then tried to remember the rest of the zodiac. Not familiar to me. That is I know Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Ares, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra. OK I got them all. It is 2:47AM.

Back to sleep at 4:14AM or so. Up at 5:45. Watching the salmon-flavored clouds and sunrise through the trees. Ecstatic about being out here.

Must record two visions I had last night. Brief but vivid and telling. This is important. The first vision is of fibers. I think these are Carlos Castaneda's luminous fibers. They were gray on white and kind of like straight 4" hair combed in different directions. I would need to draw it like the oft-repinned graphic of energy in dorje form. That kind of fine pen (Rapidograph). Could do and will do in Photoshop.

The second vision was at some other wakeup time. It was an oval with pointed ends. Lozenge. No, a diamond with pointed ends and rounded sides. Could be stylized COB Cave of Brahma shown here: Into the Void. A non-touching border around the outside. Say in gold. Within that shape jewels set separately. I think the shape was light-emitting. It is most like the Spin Net in the Light Body book.

I'm fascinated with the moisture on two sides of my tent. Must have showered with the window covers down because they don't seem wet. I feel dry in here. I might not go anywhere for this whole day. Or at least until it seems to lighten up. Got to get organized. The sun keeps getting filtered though clouds.

Another realization is that much as I love seeing, I need to evolve. Beyond words. Do not know how to manage the kind of sensing I must do. Or if I will be able to transmit it at all. I keep comparing being here now on earth (with a "life") with what would want to evolve beyond death. Or is it evolve in life? What if the evolution past death is just as true as a metaphor for dying to earthly concerns to the extent of evolving the species along the lines now existing. Not other worlds but an other-worldly earth, space, light, dark person. Person? Son of Per?

So my decision is whether to sit here and drink a cup of coffee or to do that after a restroom/car trip. Sun coming down my path. I went down the path. Found everything needed. Now eating bread with newly opened jar of almond butter, lettuce, boiled eggs and coffee. De Lich Us. Sun is threading through the branches, illuminating my path, glaring in my right eye. Already took off my outside jacket. Could not find salt.

Need to speak of my intent and my decisions in the sense of Magical Passing. Magical Passes. My intent is to gather all the info pertinent to my decisions, to inform me that my action has the greatest wholesome meaning. Did John Orr define wholesome? I mean that it is meaningful not just to the moment, not just to some human faculty like irony or jest. Not just culturally. Not just to me personally in my personal history. It is holistic. It is only in the moment. It evolves human faculties beyond human form. It rides the seethe of cultural evolution. It has what I personally most propitiously have to offer. So I contact the dark sea of awareness for undivided attention, for what I most significantly can divide. Also what did Al, Sri Baba, Mel, the Mother, Buddha, Bucky Fuller, and all the existing evolvers formulate that I can channel into my decisions?

I contact the Light See of Awareness to translate into terms I can understand. {Note, Light See just popped up as alternative to Dark Sea.} Envisioning is a step away from the language of intention, awareness and decision. But it is what I've done all my life and would like to do better. I know that it is on the plane of awareness, so it might not get into artworks or even unintentionally misleading artworks.

I think I need to accept that for me, evolving here now and beyond death is the same process. Except that here now my attention is divided into care for Carol and evolving Caroling. It is 8:25. So what are my decisions? All I can think of now that sun is beating down on me and I'm getting uncomfortable, is that the decisions can come all this week. They aren't going to be new but I need to focus intention decisively and not just wander guessing. I want guided decisions from my highest, most wholesome self.

Heading into end of second side of greetsun yoga when thinking about the Magical Passes Series Two, which has to do with a second function of a woman's reproductive organs. Thought about my intent to decide and what does that have to do with womb. Switching to womb energy. A long vision animation ensued. Of course forgetting a lot. But it started like an initiation to the start of life. Back to the mother, the original womb. Is the big bang postulated by men? Before that is the mother and a gentler birth, like vibrations, basic vibes of manifestation. Everything drumming. I am led down a winding path behind a rock in a cave and there are changes in light. This light commences to break my shell, the luminous egg, cracked open all over.

There is no going back and this is fierce. I do, like Orr says feel inadequate thinking about it. But at the time it seemed like emergence, exciting, adventure and being what I came here for. Like what a woman wants to do. Sorry lovely songstresses, there is no "You made me feel". Becoming a natural woman, for me, is a singular adventure on my own. However, grateful to Carlos and the magical passes book for reminding me, setting me on the path. Don't know what happened after the opening. I wanted to do the vision to the end but found myself thinking of something else. Maybe lunch.

Note 2, the addiction. The minute I heard there was Wi-Fi at the camp store, conflict set in. It is refreshing not to do it. But whenever there's a break in my activity, I think of email and Facebook.

Wonder if could call this casual meditation. Just sort of sitting around not doing anything. It is at least goal-less.

I slow walked to the beach before sunset. Great dark cloud with lighter fingers, beige over sun direction kept advancing. Maybe people coming and going. They did not think it was a storm. {Next day}


Start of Old Age Retreat 2016 (OAR16 for short). Camping Day 1, Sunday. Awake at 3:30AM.

Had three dream wakeups with the same topic on the mind. It is a QTVR (obsolete interactive movie format) taken in Topsail that I need to convert to HTML5 (current format) or deal with in some way.

I get up and am thinking about yesterday, something in the morning that made me think that Magical Passes (MP) idea of evolution of awareness that is lent from the Dark Sea of Awareness and especially the idea of recapitulation, giving the life experiences back to the dark sea and keeping or evolving the awareness, has great roots in Buddhism. Or at least has some roots in common.

Gestures that John Orr makes in talking are MPs. He said that we come to the retreat to be present in the moment (or some such phrase that he thinks we should memorize), in silence come to recognize that the experiences we have are separate from the awareness of the experiences. At one point he said that we might become aware of something new.

At about 1PM I'm at my campsite when realize I've forgotten important items so drive home and back. Worked hard walking back and forth from my car and the tent site, trying to get everything needed so can stay in the tent, Content.

O I did bring sage. Walked around the site asking for care and blessings, giving thanks for being here. Smudging. The stars are out. I watch Orion and all its coterie moving slowly across my view. Slept with head towards North by NE. I hope that means closer to N than E. It seems that I've oriented the tent so that the mattress lies at the same angle to earth as mine at home. {Next day}


I went to the ECMS retreat with John Orr because David was so persuasive, reminding me that all-day retreats had been my idea, starting with my birthday in 2009. Here are some of my notes from the day.

The meditation was very active for me. What I remember the next morning is the separation of left and right energy bodies. The right a sharp clear defined red. The left a fuzzy blue. Realization that for me the fuzzy blue stage of life more operative. In my body, the left side, which usually feels caved in, shriveled, secondary, seemed to be bigger, more the dominant side. Or at least sufficiently assertive in its own way to not be slighted, but coming into its own. Perhaps this is it's time. Light See of Awareness and Dark Sea of Awareness.

Orr said, "That which is aware is not the experience". Refuge (Buddha is my). Then we walked. At first I tried to master the continuous kinhin where the speed of lift and the speed of step down are the same, kind of like bicycling in sequence. One foot is going down as the other is starting to go up. Weight fully on one foot allows the other foot to lift off the ground. As it puts heel on ground, that allows one foot to gradually start to lift. Some steps were smooth and I felt this meditative pace or proceeding that did not disrupt meditation. The lifts are the hardest and often became too fast or unbalanced. I completely forgot about my breathing longer out than in. Didn't think of it until now (when writing). Thinking that I could give instruction about walking, similar to Nancy's about eating, because I've thought aspects of it out.

Then all of a sudden I wanted to walk fast, energetically. Beautiful day and place. I wandered around the edge of the woods. I found two evergreen wands that extended the energy of my hands as I danced along, joyfully. When I met Mary, gave an aura sweep of feet around to above head. She's attuned to the practice and smiled.

Since I had no watch I had to go in with others. But John has a nice big gong. For the second meditation, I sat in my stadium chair on the folding chair which was completely comfortable. Legs were 90 degrees to floor and upper thigh 90 degrees to trunk, which Orr specifies. No instruction about how to sit on floor. Meditation started with tense drawn-in Cave of Brahma, shaped like the space between my hands. My movie of running into one appeared. At first it was all red around it and made way for blue.

Lunch was fun. I was not totally happy with state of food when almost liquid. I took big bites. It always took at least 60 chews to get all of it completely mixed with saliva. Nancy needs to add awareness about drinking. Warming the liquid and mixing it with saliva too. I indulged in drawing a writing walking pattern to mimic the continuous energy feeling. During lunch I drew the tense shape.

He talked a lot about how competitive our culture is. How we have problems of self-worth and feelings of inadequacy. I wondered if mine are stuffed down and unacknowledged. My first memory is of alienation that my worth is undervalued and I strongly stand up for myself with "I'll show you" vow. In kindergarten I liked the teacher, the activities, the group actions. I was good at them. Actually feeling that I was the best. Teacher said, do it like Carol. I continued that ability to perform throughout my school years and I do not remember worrying about inadequacy. Yes, competitive in weight and curliness of hair. I was popular enough. Am I just remembering the good? We weren't rich though but I felt my compensation of being accepted and smart worked.

My problems came when I realized I was adapting my sense of self-worth to the standards of others, which wasn't serving me. Became aware of my inner needs. I needed to be adequate on my terms. That is the continuing struggle.

During the break I made a chart of 6 rows with a swirl up the spiral binding for a 7th count of om man e ped me hum (which we had chanted earlier). Swirl. Then up to 9 rows. This provided a visual of chewing to help the counting of chews. That seemed to offload some of the dwelling and responsibility of counting.

After lunch Orr played the loud accordion-like box instrument, forget the name. And chanted sri ram jai ram over and over and over and over. Ram is an incarnation of Vishnu, the preserver of the universe. Sri is victory. Also he had started with When I call on the Light in my Heart that didn't have all the words but some seemed to know them. Music just didn't move me. Like interim of nada.

Third meditation: my position was painful. Can't remember much about it. I got the high's lightness grounded and balanced so the poles of light and dark to neutral had no boundaries.


Was going to visit the biologists from Atlanta Botanical Garden who are restoring the wet prairie area of Deer Lake State Park. So disappointed. Was almost ready to go. Fixing hair in bathroom when blood began pouring from nose. Sat on toilet with nose pinched for five minutes. Still pouring. Waited more. Still blood. Called Nancy and asked her to take me to Urgent Care. Called Jeff and left a message to cancel our visit.

Medical care evolved into packing the right nostril with a tampon-like plug. Had huge blood clot coughed up. The nurse thought that meant blood would clot. Good sign. It bled twice more during the day. Each time I held it for 11 minutes, which worked to stop the bleeding. OK the next day.


Strange story idea of the day starting, "If we discovered that our earth's atmosphere is really filling an airium, like an aquarium for fish, what is the rest of the story?" Would we discover we are kept like pets? Would we try to get back to what for fish would be lakes, rivers and the ocean? Or would we try to evolve to get out of air as we think fish evolved to get out of water? Is our view of the universe based on what we know of our airium and thus limited? Do we have any idea of what our keeper or its world is like?


Hiked Topsail again in search of the best screened in porch bungalow. However, there is a tornado watch tonight and so much lined up this week that I won't stay there this week.


Went to check out the tent site at Topsail. Love the place. Feel like it is a home, a root, a connection. Even wanted to stay and began investigating the bungalows for rent.


Talked to Nancy about my vision of Al's death last night. He died at 8:10PM. Today get a vision of a circular aura segment with inner circle dark blue to black to magenta red orange yellow white to us. The aura circle center is off frame to the upper left.

Since I committed to the all-day retreat and am wavering about a Mexico journey I think I'll continue the retreat by camping. Reserved a tent site for the following week.


Saw a flock of 30 birds on the beach where the Least Terns nested last summer. Tentatively identified as Bonaparte's Gulls before they flew off SE.

Thinking back on the waves exuding at Ma's death and Ishtar the cat's death. I'm getting minute releases from Al. Got some yesterday. Some this morning. Is it a lower frequency. Extremely slow motion? 3PM couple of bumps or knocks from Drucker. Roller coaster experience.

About 6 or sometime I got that spreading news of Al dying. I tuned in and helped him be aware of what was happening. He was making choices and getting oriented. Who knows if any of it has any reality or validity. But I actually had the feeling that although he acknowledged eternity, he chose reincarnation. I might talk to Yaani about it sometime if it feels right.

I have had that "spreading news" sensation twice before. It is an almost joyful eruption like flower petals surging up and spreading around the world.

Hmm, how about my dream? I have shut the door to my home and I have no keys to get back in. That is, I have left the keys behind. That could be a death experience.


I went to see Al Drucker. He is definitely dying or at least seems that way. Eyes closed, mouth open, head tilted back. I felt great joy as I approached his bed and I expressed that I was so glad to be here for his transition. I too have better hearing in one ear. I felt a certain vibe or fluttering, maybe a subtle change in breath that he might be aware of presence in some way. I love you. I'm so glad I got to know you. You have done so many wonderful things in your life here. Everything is tumultuous and changing, so many energies and ways and things to do. It is hard. I was quiet for awhile. I think hand on forehead. A vision appeared. It was a spider. Seeing it from the top. Round Grey neutral color, almost the whole field of view. Six legs arced down to make contact with six different things. His wife Yaani was so gracious and smiling and supportive.

Thomas Maher, whose paper I read when looking for Cladonia perforata, posted to the Facebook group that deer lichen in my photos might be C. Perf. Now I'm committed to get closer and better photos.


Urge to trip to Equador has transferred to the Great Mystery Vision Quest. The description of the journey seems more to my need to transition into old age. My passport is good for six months following. I have a neoprene suit and personal camping equipment but would need a submersible headlamp. Worried about mosquitos and other unknown dangers of traveling alone in Mexico.

David talked me into going to the retreat next Saturday, the 27th. It is the same ECMS silent retreat with John Orr that I attended last year.


Going to give myself this day for creativity since all week has been website maintenance. How about taking an Eastern Lake picture and putting links to all my pages about it. Like this view over time and parts of my being. When I look at the scene, it has the richness of that past. The scene itself is a picture at a certain time with what my camera saw and how I interpret those pixels. I wonder how many things I'd have to fix to do it? See Eastern Lake Viewpoint.


A good example of web diversity on the Life Index page that I updated.


Re-potting my deck plants with new containers and soil is refreshing.


On walk I did a couple of pearl steps. Feel pretty good about dual consciousness. Found myself going over a problem with a friend, turning it this way and that. Then wondered why I mull over and over these things. I think it is the part of ego that people call bad, evil, negative. But I see it as ego trying to care for me. I need to reassure Carol that we've done all we can about it and it will be OK. Once I realized what ego was doing, the friend drama left the consciousness stage.


At the moment of breakfast, so overcome by the depth of web difficulties that I'm thinking of taking the trip to Ecuador sponsored by Pachamama Alliance. Explained to a friend in email "One factor is my life history of taking trips abroad at change points in my life. College=Europe 1954. Dropped out artist to technical writer for the computer industry=Peru 1980. Retiring=New Zealand 1997. I'm due for Old Age= where? when? what? why? how? at all? Asia is undone. Scandinavia for roots. Japan for culture. Hangzhou, China where the first Zen (Chan) Buddhist monk painters lived is enticing. But I really want to look inward. Ayahuasca intrigues."

Google says 200 pages on my site are returning 403 errors. To fix it, my web host Green Geeks had to clean some Google IP ranges from the server firewall and disable a mod_security rule which blocked access to my robot.txt file. I don't know how or why these errors were introduced or how to prevent them happening again or even that all the errors have been fixed. Accept the tiny amount of control I have.

Then this morning realizing that the slightest touch to those pages show that almost every link is broken. Emotionally, this is just like visiting Wholeo Dome after the repairs and seeing countless breaks in glass and not being able to fit the repaired panels back in place and not finding any help from the owners. Followed by the Farm valuing the land more than the dome and taking it down. Mentally, my feeling is of shattered glass fragments raining down around me. Helpless to sustain the beauty and meaning I tried to create.

I guess at the base of it is my urge to escape death. To culturally weave my cheers into a fabric that would live beyond me. That's it. I accept the deaths of each day and my final death on condition that my art survives. Now that all the conditions are breaking down, I face the small meager me. Of course every creature knows it is just a sigh unheard in the symphony of life and it hasn't any idea of what the whole is really about. So under my strivings is that knowledge that it is in vain. But somehow I accept my urge to strive as much as my acceptance of its vanity. So when I hit a pit I enjoy the freedom from all the cares. So the dome tinkles back down to sand. So the web sweeps on reconnecting live nodes, ignoring the dead. I am here now knowing it. Everything about me is rotten to the core. And yet this core is still typing. Still planning best strategy of the next few hours.


This house is shaking at 9:40AM. I feel the jolt in my heavy leather chair like an earthquake in CA. Is it the timber construction rattling from a neighbor jumping upstairs? Or maybe a sink hole in progress? Or ordinance firing on Eglin Air Force Base? Most likely military test explosions.

Far out view of a color cube from the insideI didn't explain using the round graphic for a weekly image. It is a way of looking at a cube object panorama that I found while working on updating pages for the Color Cube, being Inside a Duo-Tet Color Cube, and the Duo-Tet Colors themselves. As I remember, this kind of graphic is called a "little planet". I think this is a Pano2VR transformation output from Garden Gnome Software. (Video on how to create it.) For this stage of my website life it stands for change and conversion. Honoring the past while surfing developing waves into the future.


Playing loose with assemblage point, like being at Galactic Center and here are double points, sort of transparent superimposed worlds.


I'm realizing many parts of my entire website are hopelessly broken. It is based on QuickTime for over half its age. Or actually, with QTVR, the entire 19 years. My decision is whether to abandon the whole thing or redo it completely. So embarrassed that none of the intro page movies work. Same with the ones linked from Wholeo Dome. I have known this, just have been ignoring it in favor of posting new pages. Main problems are hosting large videos, updating code to load videos, Flash files are becoming obsolete, and browsers do not support QTVRs.

What I am doing is fixing small parts, avoiding an ultimate decision.


With all my undone todos, I'm still thinking of matching a camping trip to clear skies around new moons.


Maybe when I get to the Womb series 2 in Magical Passes, I'll find alternative passes. The 5th group, Magical Passes for Caroling Wholeo. If what Castaneda says is true about the marvelous inherent capabilities of women, what a tragedy that the women shamans that lived with him disappeared when he died. Why didn't they bloom forth with their versions? If they were awakened why not liberate us? Missing link.

Could the left and right energy body relate to the turned Wholeo symbol? So the right arc is the right breast, womb center and ovary? Left arc is left ditto.

Meanwhile, considering doing or having the need or possibility to do a second function, evolutionary wonder in evolution Land. Thinking maybe the coming in the navel is the socialization of earth connection. Move assemblage point and have another connection. Or turn on second function of woman and have another kind of connection.


I'm getting that Liberation of the womb ideas in Magical Passes, that talk about secondary functions of feminine organs is actually more like evolutionary circulation in visions. When I first drew that in 1993 I wrote, "It's really like I've gotten to the brain of the beyond extending circulation in a new way." Isn't "brain of the beyond" like Castaneda's awareness? It would seem that I've really gone beyond what he envisioned or described. Designing spirit coils for evolutionary beings.


I wonder if I've gone beyond being a representational artist. I wanted to be able to represent or recreate everything I saw or experience looking out or within. For a few days now, I've felt like that creative urge that was always behind my art projects had come to a halt. I could remember the throng of unfinished visions, but there was no need to continue. ETC. a lot more to be said about that.

Today I wondering what I might publish tomorrow, not having any alternative to my 19-year old habit of weekly publishing. I opened the web, clicked on what I did last week, saw a little thing to make it better. Opened Dreamweaver (web page editor), and suddenly felt the need to create a new page, Scruffrug 5D Evolving. I had no idea why, where the need came from or what was to be accomplished. A really strange experience to be at the living point of the tip of the arrow of time, knowing nothing but that moment and what to do in it.


Burnt out on computer. Liz sent a selfie with Cory Booker, previous Newark mayor who became a U.S. senator. She told him the photo was for me. So impressed and happy that she's getting around so.


Have Magical Passes diverted me to energy interest so that I have no heart for my art?


Studying videos and some accounts of Castaneda's bio. It all goes to bolster my intuition that I have been doing yoga and channeling energy practices that are like magical passes. I remember when first reading them, they seemed arbitrary. Now doing them, they seem effective. I now think they were invented by Castaneda and friends and that's OK.

I am messed up. No direction home. Dylan singing then to me now. How does it feel to be on your own? (Guidance, direction, inspiration, visions, motivation gone.) No direction home. (No roads or paths to choose from even.) Like a complete unknown (OK with that). Like a rolling stone (not even rolling. Stone is the best I can do.) I go from task to break to task. There is no end to caring for myself, most of it remains undone.


Guest of Sheewho at the evening of Shamanic Breathwork with Linda Star Wolf which was held at Leslie Kolovich's studio. Jamie showed me his new drum that had a turtle with the seven directions he pointed out. Also the hand grip made especially for drummers. It felt like it was vibrating to me. He said for the first time in his life, he felt like dancing.

We drummed for an hour before the shamanic event started. Fantastic music. She was talking and I was the music. I felt someone or something touching my upper right side but no one was there.

Suddenly up to right a kind of chandelier or space station or piece of jewelry in a complex metal structure with red and blue crystal lights. Crystals weren't regular but did have sharp angular shapes and edges. They glowed like holiday lights or a light being. Had some kind of life to it. It seems that I could do that too. I was making some effort on a cellular level as if my cells could exude red and blue crystalline light structures.

I was aware that this was all about Magical Passes (Castaneda practice I'm following this year). Then the lights dimmed and went out, the structure was like a dilapidated abandoned house, rickety falling apart. I was dismayed but realized maybe the transfer was complete and the building no longer necessary. Accept its death.

I'm forgetting most of the complex events. I would subside into the music, which to me sounded like the most beautiful great music I had ever heard. I was a music being. Then aware that mind had wandered to thoughts of conversations I had before the event. And a new vision would appear. Just remembered the one down to the lower left in amber facets. Crystal like but not as projecting or random. It spread out and faded as it blew into the distance, like a chimera cloud.

I was amber but the word was amethyst. Incongruous. Enormously pleased with the amber. Then another lapse. The rest was definitely evolutionary and following what I've read in Castaneda. I felt part of me could separate and go beyond. There was some kind of stuff or environment that was like colors but I couldn't exactly see this stuff or place. It was as if I was grasping it with my cells or the aspect of my cells that isn't physical, that might go on another adventure instead of dying.


Have been into health maintenance of web site and skin. On lake2lake walk recorded these thoughts: Thinking about the major world view of magical passes. Especially the assemblage point. Thinking maybe Geome is about the right size. Can't find the crystal but have a virtual connection. {Found it.}

Maybe I won't buy another camera because the camera is just set up to reveal the world view of our socialization. We make it up. These fibers are going in and coming out of the assemblage point. We interpret it and make it into our world. We've gotten very good at that, but if you move the point that's one idea. Always Castaneda invokes a question of the way of my assumptions, based on my socialization. But then once he says there's something like luminous fibers, that can be in question too. He does say each one is on their own personal journey. So it could be like prana bubbles instead of fibers. Plus all the things that I see.

Another point is that if you drop your socialized interpretation you can go to other worlds that are just like ours. To think about that is mammoth. Look how many years it takes to get into this world. I'm not even in it fully yet. Could support a view of just getting into this world as much as possible which is what many artists do. Then there's the other idea (maybe not even separate) that with these fibers we could interpret say, three different realities at once. Instead of having separate fibers for each reality. Am I confusing fiber optics with the ethereal? No doubt.

Any time I start thinking about these things I get snarled up in possibilities that are unfathomable. So I don't know what to do. I can do the exercises and then watch the visions that come. Put it into art. That's about all I can do.

Just occurred to me. We are talking about evolution. That thought came after this. If move the assemblage point, is kind of like moving the viewfinder of the camera. And you see different things. Talking about evolution, we use faculties that we've developed as humans. And we evolve. It's not that we just turn into some different kind of creature. Oh, or maybe it is.

Interesting that the dark sea of awareness (which I can't help thinking is the dark matter of physics) is called the eagle. How does that fit with the condor as SA and the eagle as NA?

This is another video of the Magical Passes: I still don't remember the order of passes but I'm feeling the energy benefits more each time.


I'm finding videos on the web of the Magical Passes described and shown in photos in the book. I went to and did the first group of magical passes. I find it easier when I have seen the picture and read the text from the book first. It was hard exercise.

Afterwards I saw bubbles rising straight up in Liquid Starlight of the Mind channels. More yellow greeny gold than the lavenders of LSOTM. {See NRG study I did of the vision.}

Am I being defensive or preventive? My wrist/hand hurting again, so I moved my mouse from the left to the right hand. I'm afraid of losing my web host so I'm working hard to get a secure one. I'm afraid that someone will steal my password so I'm trying to use SFTP instead of FTP. I was afraid the water heater would leak so I bought a new one. I was afraid my washer/dryer would leak so I bought a new one. I want to appear normal, so I cleaned up for the installers and today's inspector. To prevent nosebleeds, I'm running the humidifier all the time. I can't think of a single thing that is an actual loss, an actual danger, an actual diminishing All I do is run from possible events. Is this because I'm old and have suffered losses, danger, diminishing, so it is wise to be in avoidance mode? I am supremely grateful that I can and do avoid disasters.

Trying to do the trickling wavies. Going to sleep on it. Closing eyes seeing whirlpool of energy in each eye and in the middle, energy rushing into a black hole or dark see (sic!, Sea) of awareness, who knows what. I have seen this before, wondered and I think attempted to reverse the flow. I'd like to remember when that was and be able to look up what happened. Would do that with the index? An index? How get the old and new journals together? Again a project that seems to have no reachable solution.

Seems like I can reverse the flow out (of my visionary eye betweens) and have it flow in around body and enter at moving assemblage.


On the walk wondering why I've gotten these big inspirations that seem whopping but sort of fizzle. Elobeing design, Galactic Center, MCS, Magical Passes. Maybe I'm at the point of inputting my journal. I remember back through the years wishing it were online, but always having so many things that seemed more important.


Reading Magical Passes. Began a chaotic trying to look up reference notes I had in the back of the book, going back to the beginning, yet feeling that I knew all this already. At the same time feeling I hadn't really grasped or acted on it. Seems like my cells are awakening to the fact that we are threads of energy. That desocializes. All of a sudden, though probably building up gradually since my re-interest in MP, this profound discontent raised up scattering all of me in tatters or fountains of disconnected confetti. I feel this is a gathering of intent. Am not prepared for how devastating it is.

Tried to go back to sleep, initially feeling the pleasure of the sensations of curling up in bed. But as if percolating, I'm aroused. This is going to be exceedingly difficult. Although I know there is no other path for me. One thing I'm drawn to do is study all the ways that don Matus says were barriers for the ancient shamans. How they descended into ritual. End of the lineage. And so on. These are areas that women shamans must either deny as important, overcome, go beyond, basically solve.

Alternatively, it seems like there is nothing I want to do. Looking at the coloring I did for Magical Passes, I want to see the energy, NRG, not a figure doing something. I could say something like, consider why this is a pass. Why is it magical? It channels energy through a passage unusually. The thing is that it is something I want to do. I want to communicate what I'm doing. The only way I can do that is not with words, not with photos, not even with color or art. I think it is with dancing. I said carolyoga is a dance.


See the news and history link for this date.


After the magical passes topic, my mind presents me a picture of an Elobeing as a kind of wind sock facing into the head halo with the streamers. {Cackling giggle} I don't know where that goes. The streamers are blowing in the wind, streaming out horizontally. This mental journey is quite hilariously funny.


Magical Passes is so spot on saying our socialization binds us to a specific way of focusing so we become stuck. Everything embedded in associations. Well, I think that's how our mind works. But he is always talking about evolving. And that is my goal.


Reading Magical Passes, the Second Group. The Recapitulation. Pages 102-108. The shamans had seen a "dark sea of awareness". Which is the force that lends awareness to all living beings from viruses to humans. I had remembered it as the "Gate of Awareness". I want to dedicate this year to it.

Thinking of using the seed as the photo of the year. The stem is the physical life and the seeds are the awareness that perhaps could evolve. I think my website making is recapitulation. Dark sea, I see you. So far, reading, it all seems valuable and not able to be condensed.

A memory persists. On the balcony railing, a hawk. It had spots on white breast. Definitely a spirit visitation. Could be a Cooper Hawk, sometimes at bird feeders. Smaller lookalike is sharp-shinned hawk. I'm treating as a visitation, an omen, a spirit animal. Remember the look. Completely piercing. Recognition of being. Maybe recognition of energy being. I will walk with the hawk next year.


Biggest mind glow of the morning is that conflict makes a story. I have resisted that. Resisted story-making because of my conflict-challenged psyche (to put my fear of conflict nicely). Resisted the definition. Thought stories could be better than conflict. But my life story seems to be composed of conflicts. They do not have to be resolved. I don't have to have the answers. I can just show the story with all the conflicting elements. This is true in the tiny details of my personal life, like how to brew a morning cup of coffee. Also true in my vastest visions.

Elobeing, original vision of form with MET consciousness torusSteaming seeds on mystical camping for Outer Solstice, 2015Out walking, when I got on the ramp to the beach in the native bush, inner visionary mode set in. All these Galact seekers with their brain cells attracted to places like this. When they see that I am, they started lining up around my aura. They remind me of the health aura around skin, but individually like the little seed birds, like galactic neurons. I was getting smothered so I switched form to Galact in Elobeing after which some aligned with MET coil and some began cycling in the coil. I can be like that or look like that. And they go right through me.


Walked reading Audubon material. Suddenly thought I should be Galacting, reading the galaxy instead.

I want to read about Galact news. I think there are published writings about what's happening in the galaxy. I personally do not know the news. I don't know how to get the news.

If I did, I could publish it. I know about that side of it here or am I being small-minded? Perhaps there's a whole galaxies site published by Galacts such as I in its own galactic way. OK, "I don't know how" is to be replaced with "Getting to know how". I have these roots like mycelium. I have this headhalo (see Lake2Lake). On the winds of the galaxy hoping my mind and heart, gut and net open my galactnet,

There's something bird-like in the galaxy. That's maybe why this came in while I was reading about birds. How do I perceive these things? Hands? You can walk with your hands open like this: palms up, open.

SeedsThese birds are like neurons. The entire galaxy is a being. This stuff is like its brain cells. Alice in Wonderland. Wonder in GalacticAliceLand. Flipped, they look kind of like these little seeds. The stem (in the photo) would be the path. I don't mean that they're connected. Of course they are connected. They're brain cells. But not in a plant-like way. In fact the nature of these connections is the biggest single discovery we can make.

Earths are like nodes in solar systems. Suns are like nodes in the brain. Then when we travelers engage, we are part of the connectors. Galacts. Galactconnectors.

I am an Association (as a function of mind).

I feel like I'm going in a direction fulfilling what Elobeing was trying to tell me last year. But I wandered away. Fierce lovely Leo. I just keep wondering if it's possible that any Leo-ness really could have anything beyond death. Isn't it just important what we do while we're alive? I think. Focus on that. I did a lot of resonance, which is what his awareness might have been, if he should have gone on, advanced galactically.

If the analogy holds true, there should be streamers and sponges. All the things that I got for the Major Event of Transformation body and the Elobeing anatomy should be true galactically. I don't think science recognizes any structures like that. But it does it have to?

If earth is an analogy for how things are, every creature has its own spine. So I seem to be a brain cell creature. Spine of the circular belt. If the galaxy is in the form of an Elobeing, how could I be the spine?

I am thinking of that video, When the world ends. It made us think about what was not recorded by ordinary cameras. New cameras recorded what was in the brain or mind of a person. The emotions. The feelings that this physical reality evokes.


Overcast sky so did not go out to photograph the full moon. Sat in meditation at full moon 13 time (5:11AM CST).

I wanted to see the Galactic Activation. I want my Galactic Act to be Galaxy. I want my active galaxy to swing with the full moon.

It seems I'm painting. I'm not a person. I'm a galact.

A seed package is where you put instructions for living for the next plant. Is Galactic Activation like fertilizing a seed of the galact, a galactic seed? A network like mycelium? Transact Galact Galact

At Cork's Christmas party talked to Tim and Melinda from NC. He was also born on the solstice. We have much in common and found more, including wanting to reduce carbon footprint and valuing Buckminster Fuller. He claims it is easy to make almond milk. My condo warms up over 80°F so I turned on the air conditioning to cool off. I have not had A/C on in December in the 13 years I have lived here.


Thinking that the big news is Galactic Activation. What does it mean? Thinking about time. What if we could not see it as a given regular measure, but variable. That would solve our traveling in space. Speed up time and travel in light years per hour. But that would mean being able to separate space from time. Hard to do with spacetime.

Hurl mruneFunny (odd, queer, weird, what to make of it?) looking at the "8" of the mrune Hurl, thinking it could be a swirled version of the Wholeo symbol. That is twisted arms. It has a feeling of orienting inner eye to galactic activation. Made a model of it. Felt how the continuous part is now connected. And the implied reaching arms are spiraling, dynamic, could be DNA double helix bound. Hmm, I'm seeing the 8 as open at the top, whereas in the Hurl mrune in today's MCS Message, it is at the bottom. Maybe could see it as the separate Wholeo arms coming together at the top. Which causes a recirculation of energy. Giving back? Whole energized exciting feeling of maybe message is that I have achieved the extent of my capability of "fathoming the infinite" and by hurling, the Wholeo symbol I have lived by "turns again home". Could also see the closed end as the adventurer is one with the adventured and the adventure. "All together now". I seem to be thinking in remembered fragments of poems and songs.

Must mention the small pleasure of thinking of pipe cleaners and going right for them, reaching into the dark of the shelf where they were. Thinking that I am organized in my sloppiness. But considering that, I think I'm both and neither one obliterates the other but yeah, I could do better.

I get these epiphanies that are so fragile and tend to evaporate when examined rationally. Haven't my art works always been an effort to give back? How would I do it any differently with a screwed up Wholeo symbol? This anguishing extinguishing of supposed exhilarating insight causes me to run to Internet for solace. Which never works. But does pass the time.

NASA pointed out that the next full moon on Christmas is in 2034. Had not realized before that I would be freshly 100 years old. Asked if it would be possible way, shape or form that I would be here for that. Also if Facebook would be here to record, er, post it? {Now have a page for 2034.}

Saw and photographed the barely full moon at 9:09PM which became full on 12/25, but was not visible where I live.


See Mystical Camping.


See Outer Solstice 2015.

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