Journal, 1975

Back to previous: Journal, 1973-74. Forward to next might be Monte Rio 1976. Journal contents. Undated Journal 1975 images.

{Note, the spring and summer of 1975 were a time of transition from living in Forestville to moving to Monte Rio, California. I went to Boulder, Colorado and other places in search of a home to settle down since I had finished the Wholeo Dome artwork. I stayed with my sister, Cynthia Rosenthal, and Charlie Applen. Bob Pirsig visited. My son Leo came for the summer and swam in the Russian River and in the ocean at Russian Gulch.}

January 8, 1975

Thoughts about Wholeo Dome. Some panels have been up two years but most have been up for a year or less. There's a lot of sagging. Never again put it on dirt. Bottom is always dirty and can't see. Ventilation at bottom needed. Some people can't even stretch up in it now. Should be up 3' I think. I realized all of a sudden I don't want to be a caretaker for WHOLEO. It would be like living in the past. I don't think I want it as part of my house, even. But that would be the only way to see it.

January 9, 1975

I asked for spiritual direction. Saw mountains with peaks in clear and pollution veiling the whole base of the picture. It said "walk to Colorado". This amazed me. It would literally be OK but I refused. Later I figured I could take it figuratively. Not that my feet had to walk but I should go that slowly, carefully, with awareness, step-by-step. I have independence, harmony and dream development but that's not enough for me.

I got the message that my urge to go to Boulder is founded on a spiritual call. I don't feel I can go any deeper in yoga until I get a firmer basis in reality. My ego has needs which I must try to fulfill.

January 18, 1975

At the end of a dream, I'm outside on a hill with parents. Ma and I hear sirens. Dad clunks to the ground in a fall. Sound awakes me.

I continue a waking dream. Being in a strange sort of coral sculpture which may be Dad's mind. Watching it, the arches become dancing figures. I see Dad's face transformed by speedy spiritual movement. Only flowing plasma over bone structure remains. He is in ecstasy of garden of delights. Beautiful tropical underwater Bahamas reef colored formations radiating corona of northern light. Everything is flowing at an incredible speed and yet an extremely slow motion quality to physical movements. I couldn't tell if I was participating in Dad's death acceptance into a super sensible spiritual world which is right here too. I looked up at Saturn in Gemini and thought how cold, bleak and desolate our mainstream vision is.

I'm so confused about next move. Am I going to Colorado for anything real? Because I really like the contacts I'm making here. I love being near my sister with the refreshing mind. I hate to move from my parents who love me so. Why go into the high cold expensive place?

One of my main aims is to develop living architecture - not sure if this is to be by seeing life in all space or to reform plants, find plants that do it right. I feel my artwork is right but is so ineffectual. People can't see it to irradiate lives with truth. All they get is color. Fiddle.

Undated

Must be in Boulder. {Note: I went to Berkeley and found a guy who wanted someone to share driving to Boulder. We did it. I will never forget driving at night while the car owner dozed in the back seat. All of a sudden I skidded on ice, spun around and over the shallow median and found myself going the wrong way on the other lanes going west. I was elated that we didn't crash, but deeply shaken. All I had was a driver's permit and very little experience.

I was so grateful that we found an all night diner for coffee and to calm down. The placemat said the diner was founded by someone who had found themselves alone in these vast plains, out in the cold, and vowed to make a warm dry place of shelter. Yes I was very grateful.

In Boulder we stayed with people, sleeping on the living room floor. Then I found a small room. I could not believe snow in April. People told of wind storms that raged down the rocky mountains, hurling stones that would break a stained glass dome. All kinds of fine people had been attracted to Boulder. A cab driver would have a PhD. The waitress would have some great training. There weren't enough jobs for the creative crowd. I took free classes in Kundalini Yoga.}

Trungpa seems to me tonight to be sucking energy from people. Guru is leader and is working on a project. I guess it's fine if people want to contribute.

March 10, 1975

Kundalini Yoga with Kirpal Singh in Boulder. Seated cross legged, eyes closed, breathe in to navel. Lungs like bags, breathe down and extend. Forget all cares of day. Only energy coming in and flowing out. Did alternate leg stretch. Relaxed into it. Breath of Fire into it. Then relaxed. Did 60° angle of legs.* Did shoulder stand. Did cobra, heels together **. Somewhere in there did a relax where did each body part. Then imagined self above body. Later he said return to body. Rotate feet and hands. Then rub soles and palms together. Did chant at first. Ong nama guru dev namo. Later did what sounded like Sata Mama, sata nama gr, wie guru wei guru wei guru gi jacopa sata nam. Very loud, swaying, long. Got softer and disappeared. Then we did meditate silently on same. Then sang, "May the long time sun shine on you, all love surround you. And the pure light within you. Guide your way home."

*Did breath of fire to give energy to legs. You are strong. The body is incredible. Each angle gives something different.

** In the cobra, did breath of fire, then breathed in and held it and took long deep breaths and then held in, to the point of exhaustion. He often said concentrate energy on 3rd eye. In cobra he said breathe in to the base of your spine and breathe out to your 3rd eye.

A day later I recall that he did neck rolls and a spine exercise. Snap lower spine back (exhale). Snap lower spine forward (inhale).

March 11, 1975

Happy Birthday Leo (living with his father). I was telling Liz (living with me) about last night in Kundalini Yoga class. The image of my concentrating energy in 3rd eye. Then Kirpal gathering it. Then me tugging back attempting to make point more dark and concentrated. So Elizabeth said that when we were chanting she gathered energy from all the 3rd eyes and then sent it to me. These drawings show how to do it. The B and (the love). When funneling my energy maybe I should have really given it more freely, flooded it.

March 12, 1975

Elizabeth doesn't want to go to the Boulder school, first grade. She says they don't like her curly hair. {I didn't deal with the inherent racism.} The teacher says Elizabeth is not prepared for the level of work in her class. {She was OK in California, so it was a school-system problem.}

I went to hear Buckminster Fuller at the University. {See my comments under "Visiting Boulder" on the linked page.}

Duties of the imagination. It has to be able to imagine what might be, as well as what is, in order to evaluate. The creative, evolving, conscious mind must have even greater power of imagination plausibility to discriminate between actual and possible representations.

In-between Colorado and California: I see no solution. Where else can I go? {I went back to California. After some weeks, the Boulder dream was dead. I wrote about thinking WHOLE, "The country is generations behind and the city is blind." We headed back west on a Greyhound bus, in a blizzard.}

March 20 and 22, 1975

Kundalini yoga poses drawing, with chants. Another yoga drawing.

March 24, 1975

I had good color communication with Bob {who? With respect to Cosmic Color Fellowship. The Cosmic Color Consciousness graphic was the emblem.} The color experience was very complex and flickering. I can see how colors blow the mind of people who long for them. It's like a projection of reality as fantastic, reveling luxury.

Also I was thinking that people's weight on floors, chairs, and furniture could be an energy source. Every time pressure changes, floor activates electrical current.

April 19, 1975

Bob Pirsig and son Ted Pirsig came to visit. {They had a camper on a truck. Bob was on a west coast trip to check on a boat he was having built. He bought liquor for a party, sending my landlord, Charlie Applen, back into alcoholism. Bob says he wants to promote Wholeo Dome to Walker Art Center. We walk up the hill from Rio Grande to Harmony Ranch to see where I had built, dismantled, and stored the dome panels.} We sat on Wholeo's old site for 40 minutes of Zazen. It was high, we walked in step, both happy. Saw flower in rock. Bob wanted the picture to illustrate the Roshi's statement: "When Zen comes to America, it'll be like a flower growing in rock."

Later I told him my sister's comments that he didn't embody Zen himself. He was arrogant, selfish, egotistical, etc. I did this under the guise that had he ever considered that someone might have such a reaction to his approach? He wondered why someone should dump such muck on him. She must be unhappy. That was the last time I saw him.

{Note, Bob's book, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig, was successful as literature and financially. Since Bob had sent me the book last year, now we all read and I reread it. I value much of the book, especially since it was the mature expression of my friend's ideas that I had known for over 20 years. However, I did write the following undated review in 1975.}

The trick to the idea of "leaving quality undefined" is that it can take everything apart because itself is not limited. Any knife has the flaw of its own definition or limitation. Of course, when god is the tapper, everything comes apart right. The flaw in Pirsig's thinking is because, in my view, we can't think like God usually. Pirsig takes us on a fascinating trick. Eventually he may write a book or find the way himself, showing others the way because he knows their hang-ups so well. So far, he has held our attention with brilliant tricks but is ultimately unsatisfying ... does not show the way.

{Note, when inputting paper to online journal, remembering that I went to an Earth Day or Whole Earth Festival in Davis, California. They had invited Wholeo Dome, but I could not put it up for a weekend. Web search finds this poster for April 25, 26, and 27. I went and promoted the Cosmic Color Fellowship.}

May 2, 1975

I saw Dave today. We hugged but I feel reserves or tension in our hugs. I talk about our relationship. He talks about himself and the world. He says I'm a healer. When he's with me he feels "therapeutic" energy. "Magic" lady he calls me. I don't know how to take it? When Dennis massaged me, I felt like he cared for me yet I would feel hard put to call it "healing". I guess I don't want to be "cured" of any "sickness". I like Dave for letting me know where he's at but somehow, I hope he gets over this healer mania.

May 8, 1975

Cosmic Color Fellowship {Note, I need to supply info about my interest in telepathic group I started that had some members for a few months. The idea was to communicate in colors and visions. See the graphic emblem above.}

In back of Forestville school, occasional Marsh bird songs. Looking at a willow and very green grasses holding dew drops. Children sounds. Overcast day. I feel great love and happiness and compassion for the whole world. O world, whirled, I turn with you. Let me give you this flex of my light muscles, flickering flows, all brain cells united with the pineal over the cross of the tetrahedronal light muscle. Altogether now, all on, on, on. Faster ons mean different shape offs, taller skinnier and more compact. The faster the ons, the more on power we have.

I hear Oms at many levels. Ohms Om Ong Om mani padme hum m. ong nama guru dev namo. Oms. brings consciousness to very light bright fibers flowing in dark. As if the colors were an organic construction. Maybe consciousness can be visualized by us as "Light shining in the darkness". Almost seems like a frothing mass in a dark room.

What is the basis of color? Is there any way I can see how it relates to other modes of perception and thinking? Why do some people find color hard, no color? Is it just a habit some artists get into? Some people see colors on acid. How would we develop color "seeing"? Is it of any importance? I'm concerned whether anyone is doing this class with me. I've had no mail so feel disappointed at lack of response.

Undated

Dear God,

I saw house today where it seems all my dreams could come true. Could it be mine to use and take care of? ... If it is the place, is there a way to make it safe for Wholeo Dome?

May 27, 1975

Tying my shoe, realizing importance of Karma Yoga. Thinking about most basic problems all the while. I want to be a "writer" in colors. I want to speak in colors directly (like sound) which I believe we do already. But to get conscious awareness, have to have color linked with a system of basic colors. Such as alphabet, a way of simple notation. Writing involves material tools. But color seems less easy that way. Pigments aren't lacking and can use paper. This area ripe for inventions by artists. Started with idea that I want to work at home. Color center dome.

June 15, 1975

{Note, I'm posting these drawings on the day when Donald Trump was elected president of the USA. I posted the earth currents inverted to Facebook Wholeo.}

{Left Drawing} or Inverted

Love to myself

to god

to my lover

the earth has currents

my currents induce it

[Right Drawing}

"THE EGG"

New balancing position for me.

Come out slowly into the "CHECK MARK"

Boy am I dreamy this a.m. unable to hold a single thought. Uppermost in my mind are thoughts of things to do with my house, vs. ideas of faith + sharing + not bossing your kids vs. ideas about genesa.

June 27, 1975

When I did the headstand I felt like a pyramid with eye of awareness shining at top. A form of some kind came and started eating away at my top - just ripping off all my energy stores. I saw the big wound from on high. (Earlier had flown, still with on-ground awareness.) So I endeavored to combat the gatherers. This is related to my becoming an entity. I no longer pass on energy. I utilize it in my system. I'm becoming a power. This is an aspect of being an individual life. Of course, whatever is built is relinquished at death. But I scooped a whole flying saucer - energy, workers, machine and all into pyramid and regained my whole form and awareness.

July 4, 1975

Doing salute to the sun I thought about yoga mudra. I'd like to call my place the UNION union.

Thoreau wrote in Walden: "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."

Where I lived: It is something to be able to paint and so to make a few objects beautiful. But it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, this is the highest of the arts.

July 5, 1975

I'm sad, lonely, threatened, jealous. The Monte Rio burning has affected me deeply. God, it scares me that someone is there hating public things. They have burned the school, the art gallery and the cafe - all places that concern me. Maybe it fascinates me to oppose a force that opposes me. Later I stood on my head and feel a thousand times better. Yoga is my refuge.

July 13, 1975

Happy me. My loan has been approved.

If you want to work at the vibrational level, there seems to be something about waking up early, or being up early, that helps. A combination of 1. most people and things are asleep and 2. the hit of oxygen when sunlight beams contact coming from east and 3. I'm too tired to discern 3rd at this time.

July 22, 1975

I have been getting the feeling of becoming an entity of some kind in my own right. Instead of being part of currents of earth I am growing my own currents. I am becoming a hovering "smallest unit of life" in some way. I'm relating not so directly to the sun or even to the galaxy. I can relate to the dawn other than seeing it each day. The solstices are not so important. This I have a great deal more to learn about, especially through plant meditation. {I go back and forth to this day in 2016.}

{Thoughts after a trip to San Francisco with my sister} That Yogi Bhajan came to the 9th Hare Krishna Ratha Yatra festival {festivalofindia.org says it was on July 19, 1975} in Golden Gate Park is enlightening. It proves they really mean it when they say "all roads to the holy are good roads." When I got near Prabhupada, the pure devotee of Krishna incarnate, I felt the good pure peace emanating. I was bathed in the wonderful feel of god. I can return to that feeling by imagining the scene.

We went to the greenhouse roof of the old Hare Krishna temple and dwelt with Tulsi awhile. She is a soul that lives in these plants. There were over a dozen. They look like marjoram or oregano. Some were green with white and yellow flowers. Others purple tinged with purple flowers. We were given a wreath of fragrant Tulsi flowers. Considered planting the seeds.

July 26, 1975

{My sister, my son and I drove north to Mount Shasta, climbed to Horse Camp at 8,000 feet, and camped out. I used a small sketch book.} Pen erupting. Triangle sides: space, time, speed. Triangle sides: speed of light, speed of dark, no speed. Mountain Shasta Most high place.

All night trompers in the moonlight. Jangling crampons. Vibes of the ground. Undulation of the surface. Never have I been in such an alive, totally awake and awakening place. All night fantastic color visions of other realities.

July 28, 1975

{After climbing, we returned to Horse Camp for a few days where these journal entries are from.} Rainbow around the peak. Maybe the altitude goofed the pen. Can't write what I see here.

The mountain heaps up the earth aura. Pennyroyal (herb). Mt. Shasta Red Fur (fir). Remember at the top of Shasta, every time I closed my eyes, I saw rubble streaming down in avalanches. But never forget the high pinpoint high above the surrounding feelings. Such an amazing sensation! To lift oneself up there to taste high vibes. Very special sacrament of some kind.

There is a realm of rainbow-auraed light here. It is the most recurrent vision. Very complicated moving scenes I can't remember, fix, or interpret.

What is the meaning of the sulfur springs? Ghastly stench. Corrosive powder.

Read, A Dweller on Two Planets; or the Dividing of the Way, Borden 1940 (Oliver Phylos). Iletheleme & Yaktayvia cities in Shasta. The Submerged Continents of Atlantis & Lemuria by R. Steiner, Rajput Press, Chi. Unveiled Mysteries Godfre Ray King 1934.

July 29 1975

Last night clouds rolled in - the earth shook & a little lightning. This morning the clouds light & colors magnificent.

Yesterday I got the nitty gritty of this trip. Do earth yoga. Do aura yoga. Participate in the energy of this mountain. Be high.

The earth looking up at you. You contact palms, fingertips, inner eye, belly and legs with earth. Let the currents flow. Heap up the currents in you as in the mountain. The currents flow out right hand and left foot. And in opposite. And in left and right and opposite. Alternating exchange.

Then flip back, breathe air with body. Breathe in fingertips. Open aura. Lying on back on earth. OR lying on sky. You dissolve in the mystic mountain. You partake of the amethyst currents of the top.

On Saturday we walked up Olbermann's Causeway, the big stones that old man started a a path up the mountain. Then we advanced up Avalanche Gulch to Lake Helen (a glacier). There we slept in stone shelters. {My memory is of sleeping in tents and sleeping bags we brought. We left that gear there while we climbed the peak and picked it up on the way back down.} Upon waking Sunday morning we climbed up around the Heart and under the Red Banks where it is very steep. The Red Banks are the newest volcanic formation and four people have died climbing under there. Around the Thumb, over the crevasse, up Misery Hill, over the snowbank covering the crater. Leo was very slow and very headache & nauseous but he made it! {My memory is that Leo and I took a nap while my sister went ahead. I woke up and left Leo asleep.} At the head of Whitney Glacier, from my left a mountaineer climbed up over the edge of the snow against the sky. Then two more on a red rope.

Just before the top of the mountain are horrible hissing sulfurous steam baths. Scramble up scree to the crumbly pinnacle of Shasta. There's a wee flag. The gray earth's atmosphere veils lands stretching out far below, all around. We are just above this sea of air, along with some white jolly cloud tops here and there far out on a new horizon. I've never been so high or so exhilarated to have lifted myself up to get this breath of level purity and peace. See drawing at the top of this page.

Extra-terrestrial. The new horizon is level with Shasta's top. {There were several other people coming up and down. I found an empty spot. I stand on head, do spinal twists. Touch head to ground. Do yoga mudras, lotus shoulder stand and fish. Then I feel bad. My oxygen energy is insufficient to sustain this activity. I feel sun-stroked, headache and sick and want to go. I bless all and send forth and admit holy feelings, give thanks and descend. I'm eager to get down. Sorry that I can't stay up longer and get with it better.

{I met sister at the peak. Leo appeared shortly after and we waited by the warm sulfur springs while he climbed the last hill to the peak. He came down radiantly singing, "Climb Every Mountain. Follow your dream...". At 14 years old, it turned him on to climbing adventures from then on.}

We slid in the snow or took bounding moonman leaps all the way down to the solar plexus-like Horse Camp at 8,000 feet. From every point, the mountain looks different. Now we know that we but sampled and have no knowledge of Shasta and no way to know, only love melts me to her. On Monday we loafed and partook of sacrament of adoring holy. Now Tuesday morning and I sit contemplating the wonder.

My sister really led the way here. {Planned the trip, studied the routes, got crampons, and drove. I had brought only baked sunflower-seed crackers to eat. I was inspired by John Muir's account of biscuits in his pocket for the trip. However, Leo begged some of my sister's cooked camp food.} She also discovered the pennyroyal. Beautiful herb for tea. The light on the mountain is still glowing as if early morning meet-the-sun time. But all around are drifty pallor fogs. Shastina is a side cone to Shasta.

July 31, 1975

Thinking about sickness. The argument with Mel (sister's name at the time) on camping trip. "Sickness is a major part of your conversation. Your health is precarious." she says, comparing me to her. I use sickness as an excuse to think things over, to rest and do nothing. I get sick as a retreat. It's almost all emotional. Do I have needs as an organism that I should get more conscious of? I get sick of too much experience. Do I need less or to experience it right?

Also thinking about a bright blue wreath with smaller flakes of rainbow colors. It seems I see much iridescence lately. The wreath may be an aura for me to step into. Maybe a visitation. Maybe be the result of Dennis massaging off all my old grey purple energy. Here's a bright new surround.

I have a magic stone I picked up at Mt. Shasta. Even Liz says she can feel vibes of warm love when she hold it I had a sensation that all the intelligence and development of the Lemurians is growing in the lichens or dark cast across the face of the stone. It feels warm to the touch. It smells like a greenhouse or fertile field. My critical faculty says, how primitive to think any magic is contained in a stone. But my self confidence says there's a powerful mover here. Just move with intuition. It's the only real eye. {Note, I kept the stone for many moves in California, but did not bring it to Florida in 2002. I left it for someone else to find.}

{In August I bought a house in Monte Rio and we moved in. Leo could still swim in the river.}

August 9, 1975

Yesterday I moved in. Very interesting vibes in this place. My first impression was that there was water flowing under me.

August 10, 1975

Moved glass! I get the feeling there are very special strong vibes to this place. (This area around Monte Rio). I don't know what that has to do with the creative and destructive human elements here. But I know it's going to be "walking the razor's edge" for me. Aside from a general stimulating tingle and active tweed of vibes, sometimes I feel a larger earth spot sort of hurling along a spiral around the earth like an info path on the smallest unit of life.

August 12, 1975

I love being here. Am I getting disgustingly involved in HOUSE? Property? I sure am. What colors do I like in here? Gold somehow looks nasal. But pink goes. Sweet pea magenta is superb. I guess the green demands tertiaries orange, purple or else red, yellow, blue. I can't figure anything out ahead of time. I only know just before action. Maybe because I've styled myself a "doer"? A knower only through revealing in material.

Trim outside trees, put up fence, plant along fence. Do house all along. Then put up WHOLEO dome on west of house.

August 15, 1975

Poison oak is flaring up with blisters. Spreading like a rash to chin, chest,. I decided I was doing OK when I could look on poison oak as an interesting revealing phenomenon and not your simple freak-out, "I don't want it" reaction. Weird experience when we drove up to see Monte Rio school where my daughter will go. Man in parking lot directs us to the principal. Then he let's go with, "All the time new people moving in with children. Next time I move, I'm going to find a place where the people are all sterile!"

{In a bibliographic list from a book I cited the following quote. In 1998 it was an important resource on this page.} "All forms, whether sculptures, designs, rooftops of buildings like the pyramid. All forms have wave fronts. When you think about a pattern, it intensifies the wave front. The psychtronic generator is designed to pick up this pattern."

August 24, 1975

Last week I often had vision of Irwin sinking into large peace. Some how this is his final dissolution. Might be my interpretation. It might be that he's grown so that I can't recognize him anymore. Occasionally I get image of him helping me. Like an acknowledgment that he may have been a big guiding factor for me.

August 26, 1975

{Note, I found 8/26 and 8/27 pages without a year and previous page. Preliminary placement in 1975} "unlimited psychic energy is yours, if you know what to do with it". I was wondering if I could use vibes to tell dogs not to walk and shit on my land. If I could have a force exude from ground to make them think that was a bad place. To say "good dog" as they moved on. Question repugnance to dogs? How about the shit embedded in tennis shoe soles? Step on plants. Chase cats. And then I wondered if energy available for my comfort desires etc. But only if I find a higher reason for being and use for the energy. Plect tran thus seems also to be a sun plant.

August 27, 1975

{Note, when I started typing hand written journal, I decided to leave out dreams. They are long and obscure. Unless there is dreamwork to clarify, I've lost the thread to the old dreams.}

Dream: "Can't serve prepared Dinner/ Tell arty, unkempt man and dog to get out". The end is interesting: "His aim. How he wants to do art works that are not predictable, don't allow you to easily grasp. But I instantly found that Life does that for you anyway."

When I woke up my body, particularly lower, was tense and unrelaxable. I feel woozy and unrested and hot. Strange when I worked happily yesterday and felt slightly cold (it was drizzly all day). Yet it figures that I held my body rigidly in place to work, not being aware of its requirements. Also I felt vibes. It seems I'm much more vulnerable to environment here. Secure enuf to stop and feel what's going on.

I keep seeing Yvne, Yvne and Rick. Rick's land is still an important place for me. In fog just-lifted sun by creek and redwood.

Around 12. On signal, like alarm have been visualizing relationship with Day my lover. {Dan?} Horizontally stretched H form. We are connected. We each activate a spiral latent in each other. It satisfies us. Very complicated action in chakras this morning. Then realized could build with coils a generator of sorts. Does he have same aim? I have cramps. This is a beautiful place but I'm exhausted. Need faith and replenishment myself now.

Started seeing Orange over turquoise clouds in mandala. Red ball person. Rock canyon person. Light green disc light. Orange gold mirrors in the reddish tinged yellow person. These descriptions are linked to drawings. One with a circle in a butterfly flow.

12:50 I was seeing obscuring after images of hand on white paper so I decided to let go why take notes, why structure. I enjoyed flow of images. I still have them if I tune in. No different than in class. Laid on back nude. Invited sun people. They descended, delightedly. They are so diff from us physically. I don't know how we are mentally, so how can I access them? But I love them. They beamed in. I think there was a pool but I can't remember.

At 12:30 I turned on belly and sent darkness black nothingness as far constricted as possible extinguished. I forcibly pressed on everyone's aura to contain self. There was slippage to infinity both ways occasionally. But I encouraged the void as best I could. There came a red and magenta goodle that I applied gingerly to wake up. I myself went to sleep for 10 minutes. I'm discouraged about this class. We all are too uneven. We have to have basic classes in Cosmic Color before this too advanced one. Can you send me some exercise O spirit. Can you manifest them when I can write them down for I am extremely preoccupied with survival these days.

September 3, 1975

What is this urge to collect rocks, plants, dirt, ways of reverence? It's like getting a dynamic balance, sort of a happy party of inhabitants. I seem to revel in juxtapositions. I feel I've been chosen to work with plants because of my background as dreaming artist visionary. I have a part to play, or an awareness to develop.

September 7, 1975

At third visit to beach I had a vision. Related to magenta morning glory. I got seeds. A spiritual name for me - FUNICULA, as in that old song. And got assurance of guidance. Pure magenta with inner eye. I'm so happy these days.

September 27, 1975

New mandala came to Funicula. It became the Wholeo symbol. The intertwined letters spell UNION.

October 3, 1975

When Hari Dass Baba (Baba Hari Dass) held his darshan {he wrote on a slate, he does not speak}, a person to his right read the slate and spoke the message. Today I saw the right hand man, melting eyes in love, soul in openness with overdose of joy-grief-strong feeling. He said he keeps in mental touch with HDB, who is physically in Santa Cruz. I wish all people could greet like this, me included.

I had a group of people to my house to share yoga. Songs: "Happiness flows in a circular motion. You can do it anyway just let yourself be." "Govinda jai jai."

Thought maybe since dogs visit in night maybe should view shits as their contribution to the Union. So I went on shit patrol. Buried them where they will give much joy to plants. It's amazing when you finally arrive at a positive attitude how your way is smoothed. Life flows.

I heard a voice saying "Carol". I said "What". Someone said "This is Xanther". I very carefully invoked peaceful blessings and vibes into the stones I placed under the 3rd fence post from the pampas grass. It is central to the old driveway. I held them to my belly and asked the kind of protection I had on Rick's land. Understanding and peace. Any aggressive, exploitive or hostile motives in this area will begin to dissolve. The heavy is made light. An arm upraising with stone will cause awareness of the joyful movement of the potential slinger, dawning awareness of the glory of the pineal lantern, a feeling of gratefulness and wish to be good. So turn to hurl the stone in the fascinating vacant lot. Went to the center of the crescent garden and asked blessings. All were planted in gravel below the posts. So the vibes radiate for 300 yards or so from the ground all around. I have faith these wishes will be fulfilled for everyone's benefit if I can come to an understanding of where others are at. Each other.

October 5, 1975

Lansing says a triple lock is to do breath of fire until you are doing it s fast as you can. Then take out and in deep lock anus, lock shoulder, and lock neck. Kundalini is raised and locked to center to replenish body's energy.

But Satchidananda (I. Y., Integral Yoga) says triple lock is anus lock on inhale, neck lock on hold and stomach lift on exhale. Remember when John said he could feel heartbeat in eardrum?

More of these drawings on the 1975 Journal images page.

October 13, 1975

We think a date is a specific designation but it's only in relation to our observation of our position relative to the sun. Later we will realize how vague that relationship is. We see little because our minds are so undeveloped. We can't "sense" reality outside us because we haven't opened up inside to the needs - the possibilities anyways. Today I began planting.

October 23, 1975

After yoga class, I'm amazed at what happened tonight. I meditated for an hour beforehand. I asked that powerful peaceful vibrations be in this place. That each yoga seeker would be tantrically united with his/er consort in love and find streams of contentment and find mind-blowing bliss. I invoked previous blessings.

I loved tonight's session. When over, John said "Did anybody notice how extraordinarily peaceful it was?" He raved about the wonder, warmth of this yoga group. He seemed to have tuned into the qualities I had wished for. Ann and Dorothy were powerfully affected but got scared of unexplained bumps and sounds on the roof. There's a lot to keeping spirit on spirit level. Working in the medium.

November 2, 1975

Diana offered to put Wholeo Dome in her art gallery. I immediately responded "No, it has to go outside" Why didn't I give her more credit for having a good idea?

The yoga vibes go on without any artworks physically manifested. But yet you have to be very well controlled and humble on the path with self quieted to be aware of the sphere of vibes. Wholeo Dome is for the lower ones.

November 10, 1975

I'm exhilarated, a little wobbly, excited and slightly apprehensive. Lately, I've wondered how it is that I can stretch in class, but on my own it seems I've made no progress in the Lotus in a whole year.

Today, all of a sudden I felt a breakthrough. I grabbed my toes and pulled my legs way further into the lotus and gloried in the stretch. I felt marvelous soothing yet shocking waves of energy flowing all through my body. It was exactly as if a dam of years holding had been released. Maybe I'll really regret this later in pain and being unable to move. {True, a few years later, both knees needed surgery for torn meniscus cartilages.} It was like a GO to the body. I did all kinds of poses I have never done before. I got each foot behind my head. Finally did lotus position, grabbing each toe from behind (called the bound lotus). I did yoga mudra (while seated in lotus pose, bending forward) touching chin to floor. I did some fantastic spinal twists.

Writing about it puts me right back into the feeling. I love it. It's addicting. I feel my effervescence rising like bubbles in an undrunk drink. Aum, I pray I can survive my impetuousness. My self discipline has a terrifying aspect. But all these things are gifts I can appreciate and multiply and or distort.

November 27, 1975

Tonight I'm battling what is the artwork appropriate to evolution. I wonder if the fascinating configurations of the fire reminds us of something in ourselves and we should turn vision inward and catch the real thing of interest. If artwork communicates anything worth anything, the artwork should be a train in perception, a discrimination in attitude or a map of new areas of consciousness.

I love it alone. This was the most satisfying thanksgiving ever. So intimate and full of small pleasures to encounter. {My daughter and I frequently sat around the fireplace with wood burning for heat in the evening.}

December 18, 1975

I'm so depressed, sucked (suckt) of energy suckt of motivation. I can't meditate. I can only hope someone in me is doing something, somewhere. It seems a great strain to push the pencil.

Previously all my attention at this time has been diverted towards the tonal of Christmas. But it you relax into the stretch, decide the primitive fear that earth would drift out of its position in the solar system.

I'm sure the Torrs, Harry etc. (neighbors) aren't going to want the traffic of people coming to see Wholeo Dome. The street light and sign are battered with stones. And yet, even as I write, I see these considerations as valid, but somehow no great deterrent.

Christianity can be incorporated in our new religion. Aum is seen in interstices of cross. Or cross is at 2 rotational angles. Maybe a secret of our transformation is not change in "point of view" but change in angle. Is there an angle orientation that influences our growth and perception of reality?

December 29, 1975

I want to be a "thinker" when I grow up. It seems if I can't shake my mind loose of the "set-up" how can I have a chance of "thinking" creatively. Thinkers generally have illumined just part of the set-up. Don Juan's tonal and nawahl help explain problems of our culture better than anything I've read before. We are involved in the infinity of the tonal, in which we have progressed farther in some ways than others. But we pretend there's no nawahl at all. We have everything charted and explained. Mysteries are merely something to TRY to explain.

No one admits the infinity of the nawahl. A whole infinity that has nothing to do with order. It's like the suppressing of female thought. We pretend it doesn't exist.

Back to previous: Journal, 1973-74. Forward to next might be Monte Rio 1976. Journal contents.

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