Journal, 1973-74

Back to previous: October 28, 1973 Journal. Forward to next: Journal 1975. Journal contents. {Note, setting is at Harmony Ranch in Forestville, California where I am living and creating Wholeo Dome, a stained glass artwork to be in.}

November 8, 1973

Have the feeling that the window I'm working on now (Aura) will be famous and well-known and oft looked-at. It's such a basic statement of vibes of the spectrum. Have no reality on why I should feel this way about it. Who really cares? Only you, dear journal, you nobody, nothing, noone. I've been SO exhausted lately. It's radical. Unfair. I think it's the polution of living for three days with little change of air in little space of BUMP.

November 17, 1973

Why can't redshifts be simply the fact that red travels straightest? In a curved space, red would get here first. It is partly the fact of seeing the red "right on" and the blues at an angle.

Ammendment to the "Constitution" of my ambition: to understand the electromagnetic process as it occurs in me, without instruments, in the form of percepts to create concepts. I am assuming there are elements in me representative of those in Universer and that the quickest most efficient and complete way to study univeres is in my mind. I intend to develope a consciousness of the electromagnetic spectrum completely, including infra-, ultra- and Xray, etc. We need to be aaware of the wavelengths directly I can't state the gist of my ambition. It is about where one should focus investigation.

December 11, 1973

O journal, thank god I'm allowed to participate. I give up every decision. Let the wave sweep me the water of love.

December 21, 1973

Evening. I feel mounting. Bliss? Is this feeling that something "good" is befalling me, or just acceptance of reality?

1.9" in rain gauge PM. 55° in dome AM. 50° outside. 72° in dome PM. Afternoon starting alfalfa sprouts to triangulate galaxy comet sun light with outside forces to get info on them. The triangulation will be in these sprouts daily formed in the light. I'll eat and detect.

December 22, 1973

We found this is the shortest day this year. 0.1" in rain gauge AM. Tonight was the first night I have felt afraid outside since moving to this land. I must really be getting used to being inside this dome. I just stepped outside to look at the stars and freaked out. Like the way I always felt when outside my city apartment at night.

December 23, 1973

Feel like body must be still. I'm trying a Sunday of rest. But as usual I do things. I have the idea of developing awareness of whole. At this time moon, comet, sun, Sagittarius and center of galaxy lined up. So maybe could get an uncomplicated idea of forces comparable to galaxy, but outside it.

December 27, 1973

All day long haunting thoughts of Colorado. The Meditation retreat. Maybe I could do a workshop in "Stained Glass as Meditation" and gradually develop the window during that time. Is it possibly related to my thinking I definitely would like snow as a background for Wholeo because against the blue sky, bright as it is, many panels appear dull, that shine when a white or reflected light background.

January 6, 1974

1. We will have to stop using different instruments to detect different wavelengths (i.e. radio, eyes, etc.).
2. We will become sensitive to the entire electro-magnetic spectrum, as individual organisms.
3. We will communicate in them, ourselves, instead of our various mediums.

This will enable us to draw energy directly. As I understand it, almost all atoms of matter give off photons or little packets of energy or at least there is internal movement (change). So this would be the most natural source of energy. It would seem like gathering fallen apples. But the question is how to gather it practically.

I suppose what I'm talking about is close to atomic power or nuclear power. But is it necessary to bombard and create fission instead of just receiving or gathering? Why can't we use the powerful waste products?

But more directly. In stained glass, light hits glass, only some wavelengths transmitted. What happens to the others? Reflected?

January 25, 1974

{What had happened before this journal entry. I was in a phone booth making plans for Elizabeth's birthday party. I had collected money to pay for the party and presents. I looked up and saw someone waiting to make a call. I thought I should let them have a turn before I made more calls. I was being considerate. I left the booth. He entered. When he left I reentered the booth. When I reached for money to make the call, I realized I did not have my wallet. I must have left it in the booth. He must have taken it.}

I keep thinking about my wallet I lost . . . with money. After not losing so much as a penny for as long as I can remember except when pick-pocketed in 1963 in New York. Now a total loss of $110. I doesn't affect my immediate life. I went in Wholeo and knew I was very rich. But the loss is a big shock nevertheless. It needs a big pause. I mean I should learn something from such a valuable (BIG) mistake. The bigger mistake, the more valuable it ought to be. What's this one about?

First of all it's a shock in proportion to the amount of energy I expend in not spending or saving the money. I carefully weigh each need and every buy everything I think of. I desperately need a new coat and many things that money could buy. So I can't afford it. It reminds me how poor I am. And yet. Is it good that I have so little that even less is possible? Am I rich because I can do with less?

My first feeling was that all is lost. I can't keep money. It felt like a leak that I have no way of fixing. I mean I lost faith in myself. Which is what I should look into. I have the muddiest grasp on reality. I don't always follow through on action. I don't always know the most important thing to do. I'm often misplacing tools I'm working with. I have to accept my messy self. And yet I feel I'm going to just go on the same way without becoming transformed by this magic mistake. But what else. Money is losable. People do lose it. Wallets are often lost or stolen. It's just a medium. Very material and mortal. And most of the time I've got it. What seems way out of proportion to me is how much time I spend worrying about pennies and tiny amounts, when large sums are lost to me. I think I just need more calm matter of fact attention to the matter. I could just rack the whole loss up to change. In this game a person can win or lose.

January 27, 1974

I feel so good. Had sort of a mystical experience this morning I was lying there as usual. Awake before arising. I saw an opening into my body. I went in down through my neck and into a glowing cavern of some sort. Like a cavity but a place that the rest of me seemed to be connected to. It seemed so utterly relaxing and blissful. Even now I feel happy. Ever since I moved here I rarely feel happy. Always pressured and exhausted by tasks. While in the nebulous container I wondered if i could get back again. Mind looked for signposts landmarks but no conscious apprehension. But I went back three times. The last was incomplete because I knew I was going to get up. Thank you GOD.

January 29, 1974

{Rambling notes trying to reconcile TLM goes faster than the speed of light guidance with E=MC^2 science. Skipped.} What does it do to E=MC^2 if C is faster than the speed of light? Less energy? or more energy, or different quantity of mass or different in some quality? Answer. Caroling can't deal in this formula language because it is foreign. The bridge has already been made from there — the best source of energy is mental .. ?? !!

February 21, 1974

Journal, I'd so much rather write to you. The only place where I can get at things truly vivid to me. I've been thinking all day about

1. Meeting Ram Dass people connected with Ani Tsultim Chodon and headed for Boulder. How I'm watching my fate spin out.

2. How mature I feel now. How completely every part and seed in me has been developed to its full. blooming!

3. Mostly about how the lead becomes interconnected through soldering. All of a sudden, after soldering, a new entity seems to take place. It seems there may be a physical basis for my perception of this occasion that bears investigation. Since there is lead in the solder, the lacework of lead becomes one framework. Whatever flows through lead now makes a circuit. It seems to actually start something moving. Maybe could try to compare the difference between movement in copper foil framework to lead or different kinds of lines.

The deeper I get in this stained glass the more it changes. Now my previous concepts seem either washed up or in for vast revision.

February 22, 1974

Liz said she went to Fairyland (in Oakland) in the night.

March 8, 1974

{Studying Einstein} I can't shake off the notion or fancy that this Einstein center is waiting for the female minds to give it the right twist. It has to have both-handedness to get going.

March 15, 1974

The oranges, the blues, the blue-greens. Each system has length, height, angle, and frequency (at least four dimensions). Also rightness or leftness in a characteristic pattern. But they fill in the space. Since these shapes represent wavelengths (as if radiation or electro-magnetic spectrum) to me. I said: what if reality is like this? All is full. We just see a particular pattern. But other realities just have different wavelengths. I saw white light! It lasted only a moment but was perfect.

What is exciting me so now, extending in time, is that making representations of our reality in wavelengths, should enable us to also represent the adjacent realities in the pattern. So here and outside earth the light is really white, all full and white in the same way. It just broken down into particular wavelengths and patterns.

March 18, 1974

Thinking about my daughter, 5 years old. There is no female mode of thought or action. There is no positive way I can bring her up. So she has come up with a "sissy girl" concept. She dresses and makes herself up and attempts to walk swinging her ass. If there were any freedom these days for little girls, Elizabeth should know it. I decided to have her, bore her in my name. She has been growing up with little male company to teach her to stay in place. She has been encouraged to think and do and experience everything. She's been dressed in pants to keep her from skinning knees and lace for birthday parties. I've been involved with a large art project and built our house, etc. which I hoped would be stimulating to Liz' ideas of "I can do anything." When she said she wanted a dump truck for Christmas, she got 2. And never got interested in playing with them. She hardly cares for any toys. There seems to be a nascent Elizabeth that cannot find expression. It has something to do with inventing stories and taking play parts and celebrations that I can't relate to.

Einstein's comments about women such as "Nature seems to have made a creature without brains" and "You are so typically feminine i.e. derivative and filled with personal resentment" are infuriating. One is that he seems to be so right. Women have been kept in the home caring for children and haven't dared develop. But it is time. But what can she do? Einstein also made me realize our whole concept of space is a creation of a man. Euclid created length, breadth and height. It is not something we can feel naturally. So for a woman to think a woman thought, she has to go back to the dawn of human time. She has to annihilate the crib she was placed in at birth, the shapes, the tools, the way things are done, who does them, the language. Everything. The world world is a man's world. But woman is going to state women's world. She will find a reality so different and yet so copulatory to men's. When I will be able to bring up a little girl and teach her to really be a woman. Now I'm so ashamed when I compare her to my vision. And yet it is I, who must be reborn and bring myself up as a woman. And the goals are so similar to the steps towards enlightenment that I should be safe on the path. But no, the concept of enlightenment is purely male. Who knows what women are up to.

I hope Wholeo has an esoteric message for women. I thought of keeping men out but I prefer to make it available to all. The woman messages can only be understood by a ready woman. I'd like to have women only meetings there though. We have to help each other. Space and time have a whole new meaning. Our souls twist the other way. Before I thought sex was the difference between us. But now I feel we are so different and sex is only one of the obvious expressions of that difference. But woman's mind, woman's world does not yet exist. This is a desperate fight because of course men's world must not be demolished and they will defend it and continue it. It's just that it must be fucked.

Letter to Bob Pirsig March 18, 1974

{Note: I have the following letter, hand-written on the day I received the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance in the mail. I don't know if I sent a letter. Until seeing this, my memory had been of receiving the book a year later, when Bob and son Ted visited me in California. In my online hyperbook, Zen and the Art of Dividing by Zero, I use quotes from Bob as a Thinker that support my thesis.]

Dear Bob: I want to write you now before I get deeper into the book and have ponderous thoughts incapable of communication by me.

First off, I'm so JUMP FOR JOY that the Book IS and that you sent it to me! THANX

I read all around the edges of the book and even peeped at the end and was fascinated to see you ended in the Bay area, near where I'm at. Santa Rosa is my city connection.

In the letter you write to me on the end paper, you mention me, "keeping herself to herself". Well, I wrote an entry in my journal about that this morning. that women might have to forget all they have learned of the male created thought world and re-create their own natural thought world. Lots of the images in WHOLEO, my stained glass dome project, (now 1/2 done) will read esoterically only to women. It's as if I have no other way to give myself than by doing this work.

Tonight I went to the regular Monday night pot-luck dinner of people living on this property. I'm the only one out in the wilds of the canyon. The rest live in a little cluster of houses. But four of them work in Community Hospital. They were formulating the rules of a joke "Mental Health Game". So I pulled out my new "Zen + the Art of M. M." and it was just what they needed. Already there's a waiting line of readers.

Now Bob, I wonder if you'll find it a problem being a recognized published thinker. Can you still think when you are labeled a thinker? Are you fragile that way? I've been studying Einstein, reading what he wrote and also biographies. From what I could gather, he did most of his influential work in 15 years. Then what happened? I still haven't formulated it. Was it that his mind realized how unready everyone was for thought and he would wait until his first offerings were assimilated? Did he feel the need to popularize relativity personally? Did he work in subtler thought forms so they couldn't devise bombs with it? Or was his mind so blown with success that it made the mistake of trying to solve everything? I notice myself that since I have made my whole mind obedient to my will, living isolated is fine. But it also serves others' wills. If I ever became successful, I would need some method of valuating others' demands on my mind.

I wonder how it will be for you.

Well I'm going back to reading your book now. I'm enjoying it a lot.

Love, Carol

The inscription in the image to the right is on the end-paper of the book.

Bob's inscription

Dear Carol

I think "how will she read this?" and I answer "like she used to listen to me talk, with a 'well here he goes again' smile, listening sympathetically, but keeping herself to herself." Then I remember, "No of all the people who read that 'quality' paper, she took it the most seriously, showed to other people and pinned it on her wall."

Bob

2024 - 2025 Update to the 50th Anniversary of Bob's book (and my finishing of Wholeo Dome).   

March 23, 1974

"The deeper thought out it is, the more of reality inheres to the design." This morning I felt my body as a bag of bones. A wooden puppet without the strings. So in spirit I went up above S. Rosa Valley. Straight up fast out of atmosphere, where everything indeed was dazzlingly white as I had predicted. Might have left that spirit form up there. Don't know if it can survive on its own or not. Also realized that in the future of E.S.P. thoughts won't be private and you'll have to monitor your behavior morally.

April 5, 1974

Took a sauna and it did the Hopi trip on me. Exhausted for two days. Slept. Lately I've been realizing it's time to do pictures of the whole in WHOLEO. I got the feeling I had sufficient info. No one has ever seen the whole. At least scientifically...which is the only exact and useful way to see. Men only have refined, enlarged and added to visions. It is not given to one person to see the whole. And yet there is mystic union and the miracles that stream forth. To think most simply as all women know. We are natural beings, with imaginations that can tune in on reality. Or, we are real in the same way reality is. We understand reality because we ARE it. What has to be done is extend the communication of particular states in time and space. So they are available to others, at other times. Now how can there be a particular state of the whole? The whole can't be pictures, as all pictures are tiny parts of the whole. What we aim to do is show particular interactions of parts that are characteristic of parts of the whole that have been overlooked. Like Bellini's St. Francis all warm colored in that cool aqua gray landscape, yet the far away city warm too. The one and the all and the sun?

I have refined thought to sensitively gather info. But I haven't boldly created Wholeo. That is what I must do. Stuck and scared. It doesn't matter. What I have is gone far towards taking an opportunity. Whether I do or not may or may not be possible for me. But I'm at an agonizingly hard point.

April 6, 1974

Ross' list

from spirit thru his medium, the teacher {Note, I can't remember Ross, whether a person or a book.}

Low and below infra-red, pre-spectrum

1st - brown - being

2nd - purple - creative

Life spectrum, the rainbow

3rd - red - power

4th - green - sensitive

5th - blue - mental

High, above ultra-violet , highest human can attain

6th - yellow - soul

7th - violet - spiritual

Three ways to visualize the Ross color system

 

   

April 22, 1974

Actually this is the fulfillment time of my youth. I'm so many ways what I want, i have. I left unsatisfying situations and now am living out the alternatives. To not doubt it or fear it is the trip. Only by going into it completely can I know the path beyond. I'm called to live. Somehow we are brought up to think that by being born, we have life. But it is only a possibility, an opportunity. To really live is such a mystery. It seems it involves overwhelming emotions generated by interactions. Then some sort of creation occurs. It's like an idea or a map involving a dream of a better reality and some plan of actions. On the way the map becomes useless and the goal fogs out. In the lostness, we grow. Here is the challenge. Can't judge self too harshly. If turn back, have to take another path. Can't give up or relapse into death. I have decided to be an artist, live simply in some way and have some relationship to nature.

April 27, 1974

Is there another word for "seminal", such as in "a seminal work of art", which would connote female influence? Is it "fertile"? What I want is way to say that Wholeo might be stimulative to others' ideas. But female usually associated with materialization within body. Only men are thought to stimulate others. Female must be considered in a broader sense.

May 16, 1974

{Someone gave me some peyote buttons which I decided to take. It wasn't much of an experience except nauseating. On the start day, when fasting, I did have this to say.}

I'm being hilariously intentional about this. it seems the only concepts I have encountered that correspond to what I'm trying to do are Ouspensky's hints at creating a driver who takes charge of the carriage of the runaway selves. Also the words "grow up". I'm just trying to grow up, as well as feeling it as a natural force coursing through me. It's just so delightful to be able to live. Just tuning in. Just tuning in to me, to me alive, to me alive or dead. Just tuning fine is so relaxing so utterly luxuriously undulating. There is neither tiredness nor energy. Neither desire to do or not do. All is my ultimate desire, neither wanting nor fulfilled or both wanting and fulfilled. Now is happiness. The warm house. The wind, the sun, the birds, the peace. This is a beautiful place. I have spent a year getting to know how to live here. I have a lot to say that doesn't matter. It flows. Somthing is hovering. A rest from digesting. A rest from taking care. Maybe this whole trip will just be a rest.

Undated

On Designing. First you direct consciousness to strict the limitations of the job at hand. Are they necessary? Would you choose them? What limitations would you choose? Then you ponder what will influence your choices. What glass available, money available, time, light, viewers' minds, etc. These are merely bringing to awareness all possible variations in limitations. Then you forget the problem. Later either it'll approach you as a vision or when you're ready to go ahead on project, you'll find all kinds of development has gone on. The whole is ready to express itself. It may be all done. Or you may have to work very hard, trudging, lifting each foot laboriously but invention becomes available from your unconscous.

June 1 or 2, 1974

I woke up with a vision of being on a beam, like lightening of info. A signal in sort of incoming straight lines. I couldn't distinguish whether friend or enemy, galaxy or local or my own illusion? No way to grasp.

June 3, 1974

Night, saw incredibly bright visions like sparkling jewels. Not druggy like a continuous film. But ones just presented clear in the dark. Then another. Each different yet pristine and utterly diamond flashing yet bright color gorgeous.

July 3, 1974

About 8AM got feeling this was the exact center of my life. So peaceful here. So happy. It had a pinpoint feeling about it as if I'm coming out on the other side now. Closed eyes at that time. Sat cross legged, straight backed.

Saw bright yellow glob with light blue center. Liz came in. Looked at center and saw waves of green in blue and some kind of close-packed radiation coming down at 60° angle. Could be from sun - is up there. Mercury? Venus? Also Gemini. Galaxy plane is at that angle? Full moon.

{Note, I was 39.5 years old. Double that is 79. I'm now almost 80, so what does that signify?}

July 8, 1974

Record rainfall - like winter. At 4:30 I woke up, heard crash and knew the tree was falling on us, we'd probably die but maybe we could get out. I pulled Liz from bed and we ran to the eastern path top. Then I realized there was no more sound. Nothing falling. Naked in the dark rain. I was amazed to still be alive. The people on top of the hill, too were amazed to be alive. Robert had seen the lightning flash at the same time as sound. A tree fell on transformers so all electric out. {Note, a giant branch had fallen next to the dome. If it had been 6' over, we would have been squashed. Later I cut it up for firewood.}

July 9, 1974

I asked the question about how Carol Geary appears in brain in 1967. Answers started appearing in '68. Specific answers came two years and later.

July 13, 1974

I've been asking for image of the whole and get nothing. Just can't see it. only suggestion was for a large void. But then thought, if emphasize piled up, thick stuff might tun whole dome inside out or force it to have an increasingly "void" quality, since you can see through it.

Undated

I need a machine or way to project the colored light ideas I have in mind. Stained glass is too cumbersome. You have to buy it, cut and lead it before you can see it. The pink may then seem too big for the orange beside it. Altering it is so difficult that the color ideas expressed are never very well controlled. There is too much change involved. It corresponds way too roughly, costly and slowly to what you want to clarify in your mind or give to others to see.

One way to do it would be direct communication. Maybe telepathy or transmission so the idea received and conserved in some medium. But objectifying it would have valuable and far-reaching consequences. What is the reason we can't do this? Would it unleash destruction? Is it safe?

So ... if I get it very clear, what I want, I'll find ways of doing it. I need to create a new medium. None of the present suffice. Is holography the answer, direct transmission of hologram rather than via the camera? But how about the ridiculous energy sources? I want to use TIME energy or E=MC^2. Is light squared by time?

Love, Caroling {Note, this sheet is signed as if this were a letter to someone. Could be that the first page is missing.}

Undated

I want a very fine finished house to live in.

I still want lots of living material around me.

I want money, more than the average income.

I want money in proportion to my contribution to nature.

I want the really gross incomes accruing to a few individuals to cease. I want the vast waste of human energy curtailed. I want everyone to have something to work with (minimum income guaranteed).

I want to know all the ways of loving and being loved.

I want vastly better communication and transportation.

August 15, 1974

Notes from a book. Maybe Breakthrough to Creativity by Dr. Shafica Karagulla, 1967. Or could it have been the Secret Life of Plants? There are several references to psychic literature sources and people.

p. 219, pp4 The scientists also studied the impact of different colors for the "bioplasma". Each color they found changes the activity of the bioplasma and calls forth specific oscillations in it. For instance, blue seemed to intensify the discharge of luminescence.

August 17, 1974

I sure have had some incredible mind trips today. Woke up early. Saw Orion! Waked and cried. Feeling so emotional. As dawn whisked the tree tops, I went out and felt so close or continuous to everything around me. Like a glorious solidity to all. I didn't feel spaced out or flowing. Just happy at dawn. The sun is back over the mountains, beaming across the valley early. All summer it has been shaded behind near hills and trees. It's funny — how often I feel like a player on a new lit stage at dawn. Or the observer of energy releases and joy of world. Or just sensual revels.

But being so emotionally moved, was surprisingly reality tuning. I felt I've never really been with the dawn before. All day I felt O.K. but doing too much thinking. Late in day it seemed water supply cut off. I started to feel the irritation and go through the mental machinations as usual. How can I have my rightful due, stick up for myself, etc.

Then I remembered Rinpoche's advice. In unpeaceful argument between neighbors, you can't fight for peace. The very fighting rules it out. You just become peaceful, which is a start. I felt maybe I could do that, which vibes, if they carried to the other participants in this drama, would allow them to return me peace and spread grateful feeling.

Then I stopped thought process. That was attainment of Harmony. Here is harmony on the land named Harmony. "Let flowers bloom" was the saying. I can't really stop the thinking but it has slowed a lot. I feel much more relaxed. I feel a new creative sense of mood.

Undated drawing

In shaded area on Rick's land I wish to establish non-intervention field. No animals (dogs, deer, etc.) around my camp. I bet much of the wrong reading or problems in Kirlian photography comes from overlapping of colors.

September 9, 1974

"After Image of Dawn", drawing. Undated: At dawn, look at sun, saying, "Good morning Sun people. Let's be together. Lelt's be in love."

September 28, 1974

{Note, I've skipped pages and pages of anguished writings about my relationships to Rick and his dream of the land called Harmony Ranch. Apparently I got news of Irwin Klein's suicide. I'll let this paragraph sum up my feelings at the time.}

Looks like I'm headed right straight for Irwin's flaw. I.E. I run away from misery, wasted energy, bad system, other's problems and mostly down relationships and where do I get to? I can't seem to establish anything viable on my own. Rick just told me of problems, problems and I felt those signals, the emotional ones of help or stop or you're running over me. But I couldn't cope and I got dulled to the signals. I can't even complete a thought. I'm so miserable. Any encounter with life makes me so miserable. God there's no way for me — I'll end up in one type of suicide or another. But all their lives look like death to me. But

October 1, 1974

In all my fantasies of staying here is there any reality? I can't see how Wholeo could have been in a public place while I finished it. I needed always private access to it. Otherwise how develop?

Why can't I see more directly? When Wholeo is finished don't I have to go traveling to find a public place for it? Make contacts! If stay here in poor Sonoma whose energies are mostly survival, then depend on tourists for money. And let's face it ... that means cars and cars are not going in so far. I said I want to teach workshops and charge people to see Wholeo. Is this at all practical? It may be the only way. Then could let them come offer me the job. But eventually my life will become more world wide. I'm not going to be a local.

Rick is super local. He needs a secretary and we both know it. Am I going to be an artist always? Can I work in more alive, spiritual medium? How get to where dreams lead? Is it possible to rest the rest of this year? What do I want? What is possible? I'm so dumb. In my family's mirror, I'm so unreal. A stranger to their ways. Amazing but unrelatable. Has really made me see myself anew. Makes me feel like a bad person. Like a rotten ghost that should die. Like energy they don't want to know about too much. My confidence is so low. I don't seem to be able to put them at ease. If it's just the social graces I lack, that's a relief. But if I'm just irrelevant, I can come back. I think I've reached out in a way. I must solidify in order to survive or grow. I have to grow now because I'm all gawked and stretched out.

October 7, 1974

Got a stomachache after asking Ed about homosexuality and not eating lunch. Puffed out with gas. I often get sick when transgressing a no-no of youth. Nude beach —never repeated. I feel happy to have been able to be close in such a high way with Ed. If see these things right, can get very basic understanding. I mean the fact that he would tell me his personal life is amazing. I feel very trusted.

October 8, 1974

Must finish Wholeo. I'm really getting into Psychic Creativity with environment. Really connecting the problems and possibility and setting up communication with the life of this canyon.

October 9, 1974

Nature experience like I've been telling trees they will be destroyed, so please change. I told of people's needs of shelter, light, water, power, and transportation. Asked if trees could grow to accommodate. I'm searching for ways of stating needs that would work anywhere, not just on earth. Yesterday got message back (sic!?) that I would have to come halfway. The idea of becoming plant-like was so repugnant that I reverted to B. Fuller's idea of total man-made plug-in type units. Maybe I should concentrate on transportation. Vines or water type power via stems. Also if could draw inner info would be good.

October 20, 1974

Hari Dass Baba (Baba Hari Dass) had an audience somewhere. Hasn't talked for 32 years. 3 kinds of energy exchange gifts. 1. Lovely zircon blue gaze. 2. Star lance-tipped radiance to intercept a ray was extremely hot, to point of shooting out. How big? I saw a bit bigger than room.

Also there was 3. Soft bands of off-on (or light-dark) like expanding donuts that beat out and in faster than breathing. Maybe heartbeat like. Here I felt I gave to him on return. Dennis saw a cross coming from forehead. Mel saw waves coming out. Elizabeth saw 2 (the radiant lances) as silver. 3 (the donuts) as gold going around. 4. Magenta dots wiggling around with tiny brown spots in each moving as smoke puffs. 5 Pink hearts emanating from eyes or ears.

October 24, 1974

Dennis sure can massage. He made me tingle like a generator. More relaxed than possible. Really like a drug. It's demanding my complete attention. I really can't function.

October 26, 1974

I'm still inching along. I can't begin to say how I appreciate the attention I got. Doing the aura dance on Dennis aroused possibilities of relationship beyond my wildest dreams."Let go, the body knows what to do". "Don't tense or space out, jut be here." I hear Dennis' voice as a priest lover. What a beauty! He made me feel like whole body tingling inside, aware of the currents. I felt powerful and free, like I could do what I want to do. But sort of accumulating.

Also "Be attentive". Very simple language.

He asked me to do a hands off the body massage. He said to start with some passes over body. From shoulders off arms. From head to toes. Then let your self ( hands?) feel me and do what is indicated. Sort of a dance. Then I did. It got me really involved. I want him for my teacher. It seems we're relating like people in the future. We're creating ways to be. Like I have a whole new respect for myself. My body temple seems to be so wonderful and its mystery slightly more revealed. Like to really relate specifically to another person, you must know what's going on in you, in them. But I have a feeling that something is started. It's the auric connection. Compare time spent with Dennis to anyone else. He's so concerned with the same things I am. And because he's perfecting himself, what gifts he has. How lovely to hear him Gregorian chant. Or sit in lotus in Wholeo. To see his body is incredible: long, thin, tan, with narrow hips and broad barrel chest. Gorgeous beard and wrecked Sonoma hills hair.

November 10, 1974

I'm worrying about people exploiting WHOLEO and me staying poor and grubby. But I want WHOLEO to stay free to be loved with photos. No rights reserved. I want it to be as endlessly photographed as the dawn. As free to be explored as any wild place should be.

November 12, 1974

If you say "I have to accept imperfection" then you have never relinquished some inner formed standard of "perfection' in a rigidly grown ego. Then you fight to accept what the ego rejects. How different from relaxing into perfection. My yoga is experiencing perfection. My growth is perfection. My knowledge is perfection. Everything is perfect.

November 15, 1974

I can get better at seeing colors. In the massage yesterday on forehead I saw light blue with yellow crackles. It had a regular mandala pattern. With left hand over head and right over navel, I got an ultraviolet, maybe indigo? Light round circle color in head and a magenta (when seemed to overlap or flicker with red). When standing I felt warm sunny bright yellow center circle in pale blue cloud.

November 20,1974

Psychic experience with Dennis. Meshing. Flowing outer streamy clouds (ectoplasm). Sort of flowy weaving flickering more like gas. The former more like particles. Felt some communication. I wanted him to know I was looking forward to seeing him.

Later I felt raising of kundalini through centers and energy spiraling up spine. At top very light. Activate tetrahedronal light muscles - overall ones. And then I saw clearly the action of 2 together! Very exciting. I shook and trembled violently in effort to supercharge and release. Felt so good. Never have felt such a complete opening up of head in mind. Very cathartic. Reaffirm life. Love god. I just remembered. This whole thing over an hour.

At first I felt massage like the gentle complete understanding Dennis has of the body and awareness. I feel myself drawn like we are connected but we have to recreate the connection. But more like activating awareness of simultaneousness of us. The energy involved in fueling mind may be the kind for our new source for survival, for the dishwasher and all. I still feel the bubbling spine kundalini. O it's good good good.

November 22, 1974

Aura: small dome or mound over solar plexus likes to be rubbed in rounded swirls. Also fountained up from solar plexus. it seems aura like to be treated just like an animal. I never thought of it as having such a firm solid character.

With Daryl did energy gather - she said it looked like a butterfly opening and closing wings. So I returned attention to the rhythm by saying body (hand close). Wings (hands spreading out). Body-wings-body-wings. Over and over. When I got to forehead and concentrated fingers above pineal (with thumb at top of head), Daryl opened eyes, freaked out and grinned. She obviously felt it deeply.

Another memory. While looking for a sharp pointed stick I use for cleaning glass of putty. It flashed in mind that I could locate it by aura. That may have been how I've been operating for a long time. When trying to locate something I relax and kind of rove and wait for it to come to me. But maybe consciousness directed into action will be more simple and direct.

I can't balance or do balance exercises with eyes closed. I use eyes as tool too much. If develop inner awareness with eyes closed will actually be in better touch with the outside.

In deep relaxation in yoga exercises, in aura massage, I kept gathering energy as fast as possible, feel strong build up of field between hands. Seems something like a spectrum. Coming out red at solar plexus, going in violet at pineal. So sort of stretch out a rainbow. Seems I could differentiate wavelengths- in sending when input violet in mind-flowing out red thru body. When draw in orange thru lungs - red comes first, starts flow out thru body? something like that also ... blah blah bla.

What a beautiful day. Spent hours contemplating Wholeo, almost done. 4 more panels. or 3 ... wow! Lovely. I felt that at last I have made the most beautiful thing in the world. Never before have felt that I attained that aim as an artist. But wondered what creative opportunities I might by-pass in rush to complete.

November 29, 1974

Yesterday we went to Gordon Adleman's for Thanksgiving. Such a sumptuous delicious feast I have never before encountered. I'm still thrilling to the different flavors and the marvelous people I met and the warm feelings of love.

December 11, 1974

The problem is not which of modes we go into: material, feeling or spirit. It is in their mixture. Their dynamic interaction.

I have had a fantastic experience in massage from Dennis Lucy. He made me feel rich. Luxurious alive as tho I were made of spirit.

Drawing of whoosh vibes and fivefold circle.

Come Carol with Caroling in WHOLEO is complete

Saturday December 21, 1974. Winter Solstice or the first dry day thereafter.

Celebrate the finish of Wholeo.

December 15, 1974

The most fruitful thinking I could do would be like what happened when I was thinking I might have to get a job. I started chiseling into the fact that I really don't want to be a stained glass studio - it's decadent. To make objects for people's homes is not economically feasible and public places aren't buying.

Elizabeth's color dream was fantastic. She dreamed of a color tunnel. Red, Green, Blue. She went up to blue and back down again. She then went through to magenta, blue, pink. She had a whole museum of colors and other people in it. She didn't want me to write it down. But I was so excited about the purity of her chakras. I suggested that the tunnel she saw and went into might actually be her spine. And she agreed.

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