Sun raying solstice from galactic center to you 2017

Connect with your center through the multiverse on the solstice and evolve. Happy Next One!

weB log 2017

About ~ 2011 ~ 2012 ~ 2013 ~ 2014 ~ 2015 ~ 2016 New entries go on top but within an entry, time is chronological. The next Wholeo new year restarts on the December solstice. Remember if something is undefined, it might have appeared on an earlier date. Read from bottom of each entry or the end up. Or search the page.

Entries: December (2016) 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28. January (2017) 01, 02, 04, 05, 06, 09 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, 26, 29, 30, 31. February 1, Imbolc: 06, 07, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. March: 01, 04, 05, 06, 11, 12, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. Quarter Days: March 20. June 21. September 22 . December 21.


Lionel said Nancy was having tests. I just realized what a great battle it must be to be failing tests with every therapy. Physical is acceptable, people can commiserate and celebrate victory. Mental is more like assumption. For her it must be most of the battle to accept dysfunction enough to accept the shame we always feel when we don't remember something. I did it three times last night when I was feeling sorry for Nancy. But she has others constantly judging her, assuming she's in better shape, finding her lacking in so many ways.

I've got to go but amazingly, looking at the video clips from Blue Springs yesterday has gotten me into that bliss body state. Is it endorphins? I can hardly move (to get up); I'm so moved inwardly with all my muscles and cells just vibing with joy.

Strange strange life. The bliss soured. Still druggy but tinged with annoyance, impatience, fear of miscalculating something and goofing up, sadness, trying to stay balanced, neutral, making effort. Intensity of not bliss. The PO was not open (back in 5 min.) and cloud came over making it seem like maybe showers coming. Walked with big umbrella. Someone chatted with me saying just put some stamps on it, good to go. Making me realize how constrained and tight I am about my role with Nancy. I would do that for myself though. I didn't want to walk on the beach with sandals, but ran into gravel paths instead, which is like walking on nails. Probably walked half a mile. Sunny, and way too hot. Will have to walk indoors 3.75 hour.

Somehow I feel incredibly decisive today. I will stay here until a hurricane blows me away. Then I'll go to the Pine Barrens and tough it out alone, but close to family. I just threw out all the bird, nature, Sierra magazines with unfinished reading. I can't bear to read about eco climate change imperiled life since today Trump has trounced us all. I can't bear to read about how we have just a moment to save ourselves and all life on this planet, yet know that moment has passed.

After they were tossed, should I just walk? Turned on the TV. The whale calf was about to be attacked by the bears and killer whales. It felt like me. Turned it off. 15 minutes of walk to go. Then thought of the poems of Han Shan. Perhaps I should learn Chinese or whatever it would take to enable me to translate the rest of the 300 poems ascribed to my mythical cohort. I started with a Gary Snyder poem, then looked for it in the Burton 100. Found it. Started with another. Looked at the clock. I had walked the 15 minutes and 10 extra. Clearly, this is the way to walk.

Han Shan has been my partner all these years. Shih Te now sounding like shit-ty. Isn't it amazing how the mind works? Assuming my mind is like others. I'm angry with Nancy. Just like being angry with Leo for dying. Not that but angry that I don't have the dear person I once had. Wow, I really wonder what Lionel and Kazue, her grand children will perceive. Will they care about her diet? Her meds? Will they be able to do anything to change her path? How will they determine her resources? Will they expect me to do things that I won't? They have to know my limits.

True, I see Nancy as a friend to the end and will be there in love for her. Is she fading away?


The day was great, kayaking at Blue Springs. I discovered that just being in a boat on water is a wonderful experience for me.

Big features were the frogs, all black, streaming and streaming from the second pool to the right, north, which must be another pool source. I had set up the GoPro between my legs. The video is exquisite. I probably will not go back to narrow angle, lower-resolution again for environmental stuff like that. 4K is worth it.

For me the tiny white things that make rainbows seem like the whole bottom is a crystal source. That's part of what sent me into the bliss. Kind of like meditation when I get so intense, so grateful, so filled with beauty that if I don't release sensations of expanding, contracting, unmoving, I might burst or collapse. The less I clutch or tense the greater the sensations.

I got out my umbrella and tried to position it, which greatly relieved that sun burning. The others got to the sandbar at the junction of the Econfina Creek and were getting out of their boats, off SUPs. I did too. I tilted my kayak and camera slid toward water. Actually got dowsed before i retrieved it. Pulled out battery, wiped it down with bandannas and placed it in sun to dry. Before we left I couldn't resist trying it and it was working.

Do not know why I stopped doing GoPro. It is waterproof.

Karen plunged her foot in sand and it became a bubbling up vent for something. Why air? It was supposed to be water. Mysterious and so wonderful. Finally we all sat down facing the spring outfall, which was shaded by a tree. It was just so beautiful.

When we came back and lingered in the area where we could see the stairs, I stopped photographing and became entranced by the beauty of everything. It was constantly changing. Particularly beautiful to me are fish, the animation of the environment. Then seeing 1/2" tiny little stroke fish swimming just like the 6" ones.

At the pool edge were a couple that my friends engaged and finally let them try a paddleboard. The guy was wonderfully helpful in carrying my heavy boat bag. Then we walked to see the sinkholes. Leslie doing live Facebook. All very fun.


Walked to the orchid restoration site. The opposite bank of the creek is cleared. Heavy equipment there. Verified a few more orchid sprouts and the butterworts are doing well. Jeff sent me an online marker to the new pitcher plant plantings. I visited Nancy after that.


Beach walked because Audubon reported two snowy plover nests. I saw two snowys. SNPLs //B:S//RK (saw last year 5/29 called "dad" ?)) and S//:W//B (saw 7/18 and 8/25 last year).


I am feeling the pleasure of talking to the local PBS TV station nature video person about including my video on TV. I get so little human feeling of being wanted for my art. I must enjoy it for all it is worth. My darling Caroling deserves that as part of her life portfolio. Rob Diaz de Villegas says the segment will show on Local Routes on March 25 at 7PM CDT. Even more exciting is that he might pursue the Restoration story.

Walked to the Bog or Pitcher Plant meadow which has been mowed. Yellow flowers are almost done and green pitcher leaves are about to rise.


One reason this whole incident of Nancy's adventure with health care sucks in all senses of the word, is that it is a whole new world that I'm exploring, for good or bad but probably inevitable. I'm fascinated by the dynamics, just as I was by the work world. The school world. The dropped-out artist world. Ways of being. How lucky I am to have been able to experience, interact with but not get consumed by them. I feel like a silver bullet somewhat, if that means you do a job but it does not do you. Blah blah, I don't say what I mean because what I say rings dull, not to the point, so don't get hooked on it.


Need to offer my awareness failings up to awareness. Thinking of how my mother tried to offer up positive guidance when she realized I was interested in a path. The notable attempts and failures were with sex and art. When she realized I was having boyfriends, but we never had talked about it, I was on my own, she gave me a black lace nightgown. Well, that was so far from my interest in sleeping naked. Dead end. If that happened now I would try to explain. Same with the book about being a portrait artist. Total disdain on my part. No feeling of communication, despite her efforts.

This is where I raise my arms straight up from the elbow to awareness, asking for release. I offer this package of how it was. 

Continuing this entry a week later. Jeff Talbert reported newly planted 1400 pitcher plants in Deer Lake State Park.


Recoiling from Nancy and everything about her, her friends, my involvement, the fact that I should clean my house to help her friends help her. Recoil sounds like self care. Not good to be uncoiled. My mind is stuck and racing, I guess we call that spinning wheels. Maybe this is grief. I'm just so completely upset.


I am continually amazed at the negative judgmental quality and quantity of my responses. Particularly, I don't like my friend's art. Often I think landscape photos are sentimental, repeats of trite responses. Political things often seem like rants. Inspirational things are useless, hyped, hypocritical.

Even now as Nancy is obviously not asleep, I'm feeling rejected. Others get to see a positive Nancy. When I feel unwanted and unvalued, I react my wanting to mutually reject. Mind is saying with relief, that I won't come back for a week. I won't come back until I have to. I hope she dies. It is astounding how hurt I feel. When feel hurt, want to hurt, knee jerk reaction. I must be giving from a superficial place, that seems to diminish me or require recognition. Why can't I just channel life energy, healing force that just flows through?


Walked lake2lake. Updated the Galactic MCS color healing graphic for the year 2017, despite last year's insight that I was to forgo these time/space celebrations. I have too much history to just discard my practices. The healing was for Nancy and me, Han Shan and Shih Te. I got the munes for our birthdays, with Is and Friend in between. How chancy is that?

Only one photo might really be art. 4832 of the vertical and the horizontal. Maybe add to an awareness collection. The rest are just documenting state of the present, with special interest to annual and previous states of this familiar place. Or they are pointed at something I thought was beautiful and are reminders, but so far from the original perception that they just won't do.


Worn out by the garbage, grocery, and Nancy mail sagas. Worn out by demands. So is Han Shan about me and Nancy. Maybe this should be a Nancy page? Then it would be in caroling/people. It is not about ink painting. Is it about books? I need to listen to Gary Snyder. Maybe Nancy and I are like an uncelebrated version of the last generation of the men of letters or whatever of letters that they were that corresponded in the 50s and 60s. {Except we are not men and we have not written letters in this millennium. Email, yes.}


ECMS meditation night was excellent and went well even though the circle was small.

Such a profound meditation. The state of intensity had a somewhat different quality than usual. I had some of the enclosing the circle feelings, like permeating and infusing or intensifying. expanding. uplifting. More being there, not here. But one great insight was beyond connecting. If thinking “connect” there's a consciousness of disconnectedness, separation. But in reality there is no separation. It doesn't mean there is no space or perception of distinct qualities that can be described as separate. Had this ringing kind of feeling when seemingly disparate concepts are held in truth to both be true. It is a higher function of mind which is a (what is that word for a low c and a high c that is a replica or harmonic) harmonic of a more basic knowing. I've known this state as the undivided. (Trying not to think of the seeming contradictions of that is where divided by 0 is). I've thought of the Noint Joint as a gateway between the undivided and the divided. Maybe that is seeing the tops of the waves. But below the waves is continuousness. Continuity.

So I acknowledged commonality. This happened with everything. But the vertical column and the whirling particles were connection with Nancy, giving and receiving. Personal and group. Then there was perception of changing of particles. Was it sacred geometry thrusts? Expansion of consciousness. No. It was my perception mode being time and space. OK the connection did not need concept results from spacial perception. The changes in form are from the time perception. These perceived changes in form are all simultaneously true but the way I experience them is fluctuating in time. Noticing different characteristics as though they were different shapes in time. When in reality there is no time. It is hard to admit when we are so taken up by the characters we are playing in this charade or experiment in awareness. It is hard to recognize that time is a feature of our wave tips and not of reality. I had a couple of orgasms. One where I felt my body and even facial features quickly morph through shape shifting like the particles I had observed. There was or were several slices of vastly different scale, the tiniest trickle. That was more bodily felt. As the smaller it was, the faster. Chains or strings of sluices.

With all this struggles of comprehension, it might seem that my meditation was one big distraction into visions. But that was a small aspect of being uncontained and the extreme of love, caring, vulnerability, fallibility, no barriers. Feeling of being just on the very edge of bursting.

I forgot to write about my great Han Shan idea. Connecting through my early Zen ink painting. Hiking and Hiku. Warm Smiles from Cold Mountain book by Reb. Cold Mountain poems book I loaned to Nancy. Books she gave back. Gary Snyder. Need to bring DVD in and listen for the parts that relate. Ah why did he read about Mu Chi's persimmons?


I was at my friend's rehab center to see her off as she is being moved to another rehab center. I received the discharge papers intended for family members. The contents has bothered me ever since. I did errands on my way to the new rehab center. There were her family members and my friend in bed in a very warm room. Having trouble keeping it together. I had lost her book, papers and toiletries somewhere on the way. In journal, I say I'm exhausted and can't keep this up. Period.


Knee still hurting. When visiting my friend, had a vision of wavy radiating lines out and sparkly parcels whirling or pulsing around 6” halo of head. My heart goes bonkers when I feel her cold feet. Memories of mother in the rest home with cold feet in the morning. That night at 1:30AM my mother died. But Nancy did not.


Leo Geary's old birthday. My time has been divided between visits to my friend in rehab and recuperating from the visits in between. Today so glad I hiked in the forest. The deer lichen seems to be talking in chemicals that report wind characteristics, light, air pressure, moisture and other features unknown to me. They seem to have a oneness that is much greater than I feel with humans. Like there is deer lichen, a being, with various sense nodes. Do not get a time sense.

It seems like I am that being too, in the family, with a consciousness that thinks it abides in a human body. I think the deer lichen is my family because of the degree of awareness. Looking around the forest green of awareness. Wanting to make every aspect of my website greener. Maybe change all hover and clicks to be awareness greens.

My knee has been painful off and on for a couple of days. Leg hurt mildly during walk. Not bad getting in and out of car. Suddenly at home really painful.


I went to Nancy's group, the First Monday Salon. The guest speaker was Imam Amr Dabour, of the Bay County Islamic Center. It was a warm and info-packed speech urging facts supporting tolerance. We got a group picture to send to Nancy.


Sheewho and I walked in an Audubon Nature Preserve, which is a well-used maybe homeless-inhabited Panama City park. But we found some beauties, a star anise and a tiny titi bloom. When we got to the hospital, Ted and Nancy were probably talking. Nancy was not under the covers and hands were warm. So all the fuzzy cold things I brought were in vain.

She held my hand and talked of a foot issue. She said I had said something about preparing her feet to get ready to go somewhere in HealthSouth. All I could think of was when I was there Friday I had said something about breaking tasks into small steps. If you want to walk, the first step is to move your leg to the side of the bed. So practice that part of it until you are good at it. Then sit up. Then move body to side of bed. Don't try to do it all at once. But when I reminded her of that, she couldn't relate to it. Maybe she interpreted that or heard something different than what I was trying to say.

The other thing is her feet. They are turned up at the toes. Tense. When I touch them, can't relax. Need to get foot massage. Reflexology. Note, on 3-07 her feet were relaxed. Maybe it was an expression of the moment.


At a local meeting for Beach Ambassadors (volunteers who are information centers for our beach in south Walton County, Florida), I sat there, transfixed, fascinated with the info, involved. But at the end, rooted to chair, I just can't take on another level of busywork, responsibility, so I did not join the Friends of South Walton Sea Turtles, the parent organization, which is necessary to register and get the T-shirt uniform.


Our Emerald Coast Meditation Society speaker canceled so we had to innovate by devoting the meeting after meditation to Nancy Ann James. Tracey read from Nancy's article. We had some discussion. During the final short meditation, Cindi read something while we held a space for Nancy and sent healing energy according to our own practices. We took a group photo to show Nancy.

I enjoyed meditation and despite numerous Nancy-linked thoughts was able to get beyond. At one point there was this fine light golden torus, that not forcefully, but powerfully and unable to be resisted, expanded out of sight.

At home for yoga I cast a color healing. I'm seeing (envisioning) a spaced-out Wholeo Symbol. The spacers are friend (left) and make (right). It might be straightened to five columns. Expanded consciousness. Background of the healing is definitely green awareness.


I'm crying for myself, I guess. I got up at 6 something, took a shower. Then started laundry. Now drinking tea. Feeling utterly tired for starters. I do not want to drive or go out. I do not want to have any outside responsibilities. I am at the edge of caring for myself. How can I care for another? I'm looking at the trees out back, half toasted by a controlled burn. Here's a haiku.

My friend bled. Not dead
Trees out back half-toasted by
A controlled burn


O I got some guidance. I am suffering today. Last night and this morning almost into leg cramps. Realized I didn't get enough water yesterday. Suddenly am transfixed with Betty's stare. She was shocked beyond recognition. Not sad. Just maintaining herself amid tidal waves of grief. Such feeling. Yes, hospitals zap energy.

Making breakfast I opened myself to what I could do to maintain health when caregiving. Cinnamon, cinnamon was the instant reply. It brought back the cinnamon toast of my childhood. Thin sliced bread, crispy with butter, sugar and cinnamon. Delicious. Interesting how I remember the pleasant things of being in the big bed, studying tree branches to the sky, listening to the Lone Ranger on the radio. But none of the pain of being sick. Cut into 4 squares. I put it on my toast here and like the addition, without butter and sugar. There is something health giving about childhood healing memories and substances. Body responds. I must ask Nancy to remember. {Have not had a chance. A friend from Minnesota remembers the same cinnamon toast, though.}


After a beach walk with friends, I spent the day sitting in Nancy's hospital room. When I came in, Ted (her son) was reading from a Buddhist book. She likes that when she is awake. I read to her some. Later she really slept. So much so that the doctor could hardly wake her. He is a fine person but he is rather brusque in getting her attention. In the afternoon, I noticed she was moving around and wakeful. She wanted more reading. I enjoyed it too. Getting near 5 o'clock, the end of visiting hours, she waved her hand "bye-bye". I guess that means she sees the clock and reads the time. I got my stuff together. There is WI-FI, so I had my laptop and all to pack up.

As I was leaving, she put her hands together in prayer position. I have never seen her do that except before and after meditating. You have to imagine this was a mighty gesture since her arms are laden with tubes and the hand she fell on is swollen. She nodded and I felt a "Namaste". That felt so good as I bowed in return. In Japanese it is "gassho". So grateful as I bowed to her too. This page provides background and depth to this practice: At meditation meetings, Nancy bows, giving thanks to the universe and our seats before and after meditation.

However, at night I wrote: Zostipated.


Awareness. I tried to draw what I'm imagining for the heart circles for graphic for awareness. Mind keeps substituting attention and awakening. My idea is overall pattern of an O pierced or dented by A from below into an upside down heart. And an O pierced from above by a V into a heart. Also there was a background animated GIF that would gradually morph the background into a coming and going, lightening and darkening sort of deep pile rug texture. Not enough to disrupt text reading but to have an alive, breathing character.

I once did a background graphic that did something similar. Glimmered. Lookout? Color healing?

Should I face it that according to my visions, Nancy is actually gone? The lavender expansion cloud. The immortality check circle dance? Or were those test modes and she has a choice to come back? I need to meditate or something to get guidance.

Looking at the "bink of awareness out of body" and that is the graphic I need. The "you are here" PNG is promising. Instead of a heart it is a circle of three checks or Vs. Getting Zen reverberations. There are three truths. Isn't it absurd maybe that I feel closer to Nancy, more in communication, more like I'm doing her good by being here rather than there. Seeing the glow of awareness in the link to Elobeing design (Elobing?) it seems that could be the graphic I need. Just the glow part.


Mind seems unable to wake up. Decisionless. It's hard to face that I spend so much time in dreamland that I'm lousy at reality compared to others that dwell on the human social level out there all the time. I'm fickle. I snap back into loner unexpectedly. I love you Caroling. Human relations are so difficult because being human is difficult to start with.

Got to the hospital before Lauri, Martin, and Ted (her son from Hawaii). Talked to Nancy. She turned her head to me and opened the left eye and looked at me briefly. She moved her mouth as if to speak. But I don't know if she couldn't or the breathing tube down her throat prevented it. I breathed with her. Short inhale. Long exhale. At least five times as long. Ted says the ventilator controls that. When it senses that she is breathing on her own, it will taper off. That is the goal here in the ICU. She has mittens on her hands because she was trying to tear the life support stuff off of her head. Half of her hair is shaved and I got a picture of her stitched skull. I took some video until nurse said it was not allowed.

Ted calls Pard/Martin Duffy. Why is there a bell occasionally? Nurse is Britney. Ted is sleeping. We have the door closed. Ted left at 1. He has a car and needs rest. Nancy occasionally raises left arm and moves left leg. Lauri explained that the trauma to the right side of her brain causes activity in left side of body. That wasn't what I would have expected. Is it stimulating her right brain? They talked of damage. So I would have thought it was the left side that would be intact.

Coming over here in traffic today had marvelous update on the checks and circles vision. Remembered how the Imagine circle folded in half and in perspective looked like a heart/valentine shape. Then saw a check pierce in the top of a circle and dent out the bottom of the circle, creating a heart shape. The evolution of the animation music. Perhaps a sound aspect I didn't get. Then realized the classic valentine of the Cupid's arrow piercing the heart. Maybe this is the analog of that. Check = arrow.

Then saw and focused on the huge truckload of small logs. I had seen it way back in traffic, thinking to avoid being behind because it is slow getting started at lights and can't see around it. Switched lanes and proximity a few time. Finally beside it, communing with the life forms. Saying I love you trees and am dismayed that you are cut from your life roots in the soil, bundled and hauled in foreign manner away to you don't know where. Like slaves packed into the hold of a ship, torn from their lives and relatives.

But I see your beauty and connect with your cells. Got into a rapport dance with the cells, like drops or elements of water with no allegiance to any container, always in monumental joy. Got into the life rings of each log. How everything is change and transformation. Someday these parts might be chips or pressed into shapes to make furniture, the cells having long unpredictable life.

There is a beeper insinuating into consciousness like a needle, needling my ear-brain.

I'm home after driving through heavy rain, sitting down to eat at 6:30. I decided to leave at 4:30. Just as I had said my goodbye for the night to Nancy, the doctor appeared. He knocked on her breastbone and hit her a bit. "Nancy, wake up. How are you?" Finally she looked at him with recognition she was being addressed. Like who are you to bang me around? He asked her a question. What was it? She bent her head forward, chin a bit down to answer yes. He said she has to begin breathing. Her brain has to tell her that. I kept suggesting things that might help. Would friends, music, talking help? He did not admit anything but that it has to come from her. Maybe I should ask her if she wants to live. Yes that's what I will do.


Today while driving to get groceries, suddenly I experienced check marks and circles in drumming music energy patterns and it is Nancy. She loves bluegrass. We had discussed Al's death and his belief via Sai Baba in eternity of the soul. On his death bed she whispered in his ear to please show her that there is no death.

But she now seemed to be showing me. Yes, I'm spirit, she seemed so enthusiastically wondrously ecstatic to be something she had always been completely skeptical about.

But you know me. How to tell imagination from reality? I say, enjoy it, give it full scope, but don't necessarily give it reality status or belief.


Lauri called at 7 telling about Nancy falling and having blood on brain, en route from Sacred Heart to Bay Medical. I went and saw Nancy with tubes in arms, nose, mouth and IVs. Dr. gave a really bad prognosis. Subdural Hematoma. People are trying to think she'll recover but according to him she will never be normal again. One option was to do nothing and let her go. I was so sad. Tom, her brother, decided to do the surgery. Martin, Lauri, and I waited to 1:30 for the doctor to say the surgery was successful, took out clot and could not see more bleeding. Would know if OK by another CAT scan tomorrow. I wanted to do Zen vigil. But waited to 2:15 in room by myself. Finally left, just too tired.

I had a vision of death expansion pale fine lavender like the nuclear explosion mushroom cloud I saw for mother maybe 6 hours before she died. Earlier was the green column, strictly vertical. I also saw Nancy out of her body watching it and wandering around over up where we were for a moment. I'm trying to remember joyous moments for her.


Awareness journey. I'm fixing some food in the kitchen, thinking about the art > SV>computer> horizVert conversion of QT to HTML5 that I've just done, uploaded to web and tested with computer. Now have to try mobile. When suddenly I'm back on that rounded bridge outside the little convenience store in the fog in the evening in Lucerne, Switzerland in 1954. Why this memory?

To describe it again (I feel that I've done this in writing before because it has come into my thoughts so often over the years since being there in 1954) I have to also say it was toward the end of my journey in Europe. I was disappointed that I couldn't see the Alps, the mountains, the lake, the beauty that I had read about Lucerne.

Hmm discern, Lucid, Luce, light. Mt. High. Lake, inner pool. symbolic. I think it also had reverberations with 1957 in SF at the top of Fillmore street, also a hill, also in the fog, also a convenience store with wine, which was not my habit, not familiar to me, with French bread and cheese. A feeling of inner well being, a pause to appreciate. The fog preventing projecting objectively, from looking out there.

Could see it as a concrete and metaphor for expanding awareness within.

But in the kitchen, now, it seemed like a return to expand awareness of the message that came to me then about horizontal and vertical. Horizontal the experience of life on earth, practical journey, physical, in 3D. Vertical the inner experience, awareness, no D, Art. This kind of basic ways of growing was important. Suddenly it seems irrelevant. Everyone knows this. Why do I keep saying my first word?

It definitely relates to the VR that I just made. I suppose I need to link it to more of my jabbering.

To go on to the squeaks. I heard these in the kitchen before and thought it was multiD. And turned on my multiD communicator (both a method/tool and an actor). This time it really seemed like it must be mice in the wall reacting to the cooking smells. Or some expansion of metal, maybe in the cupboard above, heating up. Or relationship with the sink in the other condo.

The psycho-comedy happened yesterday, as I drove back into the TDC parking lot to end our walk by dropping Colleen off. We had been discussing how to meet next week. I didn't get her suggestion to meet in Topsail and was focused on trying to imagine what to say. I came to the place where I had parked before Colleen came. I thought I would see my car there. I grew increasingly nervous about pulling in there and fighting the idea that my car was stolen. I slowed way down and finally said to Colleen. "Where is your car?" She said "Farther down." I say, "My car was there, that's where I parked. Where is my car?" She said, "You are in it".

This huge relief came when I realized I was driving my car. It seemed enormously funny. We laughed and then had an explosive burst of really fantastic deep laughter. Still to this moment, I'm sure I've never had such displaced consciousness before. I don't know much about it, why mind expected car to be there. Except maybe that being the driver is not my main mode. most of my life I've been the passenger. Maybe had something to do with driving the decision about Topsail. When I came to, as I pulled in to park, I thought that I had been distracted by the conversation. Said something about multitasking, multi-mind and I realized about Topsail hike, I should just pick them up. And she agreed.


Thinking about awareness. Fleeting. So diaphanous that I doubt it can, that is, that I can write it honestly enough.

In the kitchen a couple of days ago, I kept hearing a high tweeting, faintly. Of course it could have been something from the units or outdoors around me. But unusual, attention getting. So I talked back, virtually. It was as if my efforts to talk dolphin way back had taught me high frequency transmission. Didn't last too long. In fact I assigned it to a subroutine and believe I carried on without much attention to it.

ECMS. Psychic meditation from the start last night. It started with Tibetan aura waves, fractal visions of particular color. The background was emerald maybe. Edged with purple maybe. But the part I represented was a light deer lichen, spa color. As the art swirled and flowed I needed to keep the lightness and the channel open. It was a communication. It was like beings, I could say alien because they are not familiar except being expressions of consciousness in awareness. So the communication was a mind art and I was this particular color or wavelength.

It involved telling the other or them that we were doing this activity. And also I was harmonizing with the various mind states of the group. It evolved into my being able to breathe and let go visualizing, but at the same time continuing art flow and also trade winds. That is, I was beyond, somewhere, doing what they were doing here. On an adventure, exploring, meeting new friends, learning, experiencing aspects of being so intense, so fresh, so unexpected, undreamed of before.

On another level several times I tuned into the pain of my clothes and certain features of my posture. But was not controlled by that at all. Tuned in and out a few times. Suddenly the color world returned almost like afterimage. The background was red and the edges and channels were different colors. I was there but clueless as to the significance or meaning.


This is the 20th Anniversary of Caroling's web site. If it were a wedding, the color would be Emerald Green (Emerald Green). On the first news page, the earliest entry is on 2/14/97 for Valentine's Day and my daughter's birthday. At first I didn't note when pages were created. I'm just happy for the online history. It is a web of awareness.


Walkthought. Happy birthday and Valentine's Day to me for birthing and my daughter for being born.

I should change the definition of Wholeo to be awareness. That encompasses personal practices (most local and time-bound), imagination, and global, galactic, multi-dimensional. Awareness knows no boundaries (or all boundaries) small or large.

Missing from all this is initial thoughts that awareness is my god. Remembering conversation with Yaani and all the features we found in common with the undivided. But different was the idea that god could incarnate as an individual. Stays dualistic in my view. Whereas non-dual is it. Also lacking in my world is the ability to talk to god. That's Yanni's most precious part, the god friend, mentor. Suddenly thinking that is like what I do when I talk to myself. That is unspecified, undivided unnameable self. Awareness, it is talking to awareness.

I remember often in my art life thinking that the content is what interests me. Not the technique or representation of anything familiar or fantasy primarily, although everything interests me. It is content that I like and want to embody, possibly to deliver.


Woke with many dreams. I had wanted dreams to correlate with reading Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep, by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. Aware that I should do something with them but I never brought the dreams into awareness. I just had a teaser or trailer of a string of them but did not re-member them. Now wondering what they were.

My mind went immediately to this sense of gloom that I noticed last night. I've been paying more attention to my feelings and that includes general mood. The general is hard to account for. Given the same array of life conditions, sometimes I feel this bouncy irrepressible joy. Usually it is just a kind of pleasant sense of adventure trying to find a way to come to terms with daily chores and knowing my work is ahead or doing it. But a sense of general sadness is not often. Even depressed gets me in a pit where I find my priorities.

So that's where I went from dreams, I attended to my mental state. Is it the political situation? Am I getting prescient, premonitions of some kind of local KKK clamp down on my freedom? Is it feeling empathy with someone whose beautiful mind is so locked up in judgmental decisions that she can't act to escape her self-created negativity. Is it some inner health condition that one day will hemorrhage or attack or break down so I can't carry on?

Wow, that's what the book's fourth dream state is about: facing your fears. These are fears, not anything concrete. As it is, I'm in good shape. I'm developing a few friends, my artwork is exciting, I have a good food source and enough money. My health doesn't impact me except hearing and slowdown. I have to FEEL my FEARS. So I was doing dreamwork. Tibetans learn to do it lucidly while sleeping.

But how do I know except when remembering when I wake up? I was about to like my dreamwork method, say it was preferable for me. But I learned to do dreamwork. I think that lucid dreaming is a human potential that I haven't learned to do. My sleeping mind should have capabilities, unknown to me.

So do I try to find a dream group here? I have a book about lucid dreaming that I should try to read. When I went to the shelf, directed my gaze, put out my hand, it was right in front of my grasp. Hmm, grasping is not what I want to do. How about grip?

My mood has changed from angst to happy feeling that I'm doing everything right. How super that there is a store that I love to go to open at 7AM every day. I get to the door and it doesn't open. I see the 8 and know the hours have changed. So I decide to take a walk. Maybe I can go in the woods.

The banks to the wetlands were steep so I just enjoyed the adventure. Birds, roses, eventually titi blooming, all on my phone. Wow, what an up and down, in and out, good and bad, experiencing polarities to the fullest. Hello awareness. The last one is the worst. I'm enjoying my rather new interest in driving expertly, trying to coast to red lights etc. Being aware of all drivers around me. I had an up at an intersection with two cop cars, two ambulances and a fire truck. As I went past feeling sad, I then could psychically reach out with tender caring feelings and cushion the hurt, envelope auras in protective cocoons, channeling healing energy which is free, just directing the flow. Felt more conscious awareness of this natural human response. Even in pictures and stories and communicating and making such awareness available and preserved in time. Even though it is a transitory world. Within it is its own intensity.

Pretty much cruising home a tailgater seemed to be getting closer and closer. Crack! A stone hit and broke a star in my windshield glass. Last thoughts were ironic laugh cry at how the vicissitudes of my day that I had ultimately enjoyed so were now crashed.

About awareness, it is the intensity that counts. I was honing my driving skills. Every driving experience is unique, but past experience can hone it. So the older you are and the more attention you have paid to your driving, the more interesting it can be. Because there's more information and more choices. The thing that makes it fun is the other drivers. I was driving 7 miles over the speed limit, so it varied in 45 and 55 mph zones between 50 and 60. The other car was driving 55, no matter what, but in the fast lane. I thought my method was better, avoiding potential speeding tickets, but we ended up at the same light at the same time in Destin. What is interesting about that is that my feelings were intense. I was completely present. I was bringing all my past experience to bear and yet staying on my goal was to get in and out of Destin as quickly as possible. And yet there's the possibility of walking. So all these decisions are constantly in flux. Which is fascinating, I enjoy it. Bye by.

Thinking of Tim who said you can always learn something starting with where you are at in any given situation. For example, when Reagan came in I changed my whole life path. Even though I hated what he did. Something might have changed now that will affect me before I get home.

Big white rocks. Conservation area sign. What's the difference between DEP and EPA?

The great thing about growing old is that you have all these experiences, huge database that things relate to, increasing intensity. This morning I found myself dancing with orbits, thinking how wonderful that would look, thinking my next big project should be photographing myself dancing. It feels like I make these wonderful, aura-enhancing expressive moves that I would love to see on camera. I don't know exactly why. Do I want to show the world this thing? Do I just want to see what it looks like myself? Or does it look like how it feels inside? I think that's the basic why. I don't want to just do hiking pictures forever. It is fun thinking of ways to tell a story but to get on with my own inner development I need something more.

Later when the thought thread reemerged, I recognized I had recorded the orbits during yoga before. What it related to most took me back to living in Minneapolis at The Place, when I was living with Mel. I had this feeling that I wanted to do a big painting, an environmental painting. All I had done was little ink paintings and 4x6' canvases. I had never done something where I could kind of be in the painting. It wasn't until months or years later that I began to do them. That original framing of the intention lasted me through Mel leaving, NY, Staten Island, right through making Wholeo Dome. It was like this seed vision.

I think this dancing is kind of like that. A seed vision. And you only get that with long life. Like how life evolves into this lace of nothingness that doesn't have any permanent value in the universe, but Awareness is enjoying this evolving, wherever it is situated in low life. I wonder if I'm a tree somewhere that is living for 3,000 years and having a dream of being a person with a tiny short life.


Enjoying email between my sister, her son, and me.


Happy from last night's adventure at a local group meeting. Speakers were the biologists from Deer Lake State Park. It was so good to see and hear from them. Jeff looked pleased to get the book of Nancy's that I loaned him. I should explain that Nancy had read the first one and took me to the area kayaking. Jeff took and picked absolutely fine quality photos. Fun talking to people. Lonnie was coughing and he said that the cough drop I gave him worked instantly. Gratifying. Is it the mother instinct? No I think it is my mostly inactive or inoperative or inactive social animal in action. It is human to not be separate. Giving someone else a cure is as natural as giving one to yourself. Good to know I still have an inner human.

Good to be with a group of like-minded people. Someone asked the biologist if the EPA was important to the park or the project. Generally no. Next month an imam is coming to speak about his Muslim community. Today I hiked back and forth on our tiny nature trail to the lake, recording dialog for the first hike on the new CRS trail video.

Furiously trying to control urge to write and to research governmental issues. No matter what I find out there's not much I can do. I need to protect my anxiety quotient. There will be so many wrecks. I wish to be as clear to Awareness as possible. I know we are temporary, fragile trial story lines. I know awareness is just fascinated with the possible stories life can create. I know all is equal. Good things are no better ultimately than bad. I have no moral high ground. This is my year of allowing feelings. Maybe in Zen terms I am allowing them to control me. They are as valid as anything else about me though. Just experience them.

It is coming back to the same thing as before about my lineage, my babies. I love them and wish them to flourish. When I feel forces are aligning against them my feelings are afire, I'm enraged. But it is also true that it is just fear of probable outcomes. I can't even imagine the intensity if I knew of them hurt. O yes I can, I did experience the ultimate hurt of Leo's death. It is a pain feature of my life. Can tune into it as fiercely as if it just happened. These kids have their own story. Each lives it, whatever it is.


Went to a local group where I had been instrumental in getting the biologists to come talk about restoration projects in our state parks. I never tire of hearing them speak. I especially enjoyed Jeff's photos that have gotten even more beautiful than before.


Ciudad Colon, Costa Rica. This sounds like a great place to retire. I should check it out. The University for Peace has its headquarters in Costa Rica, a country distinguished by a long tradition of democracy. Costa Rica abolished its army in 1948, the former President, H.E. Oscar Arias Sánchez was awarded The Nobel Peace Prize in 1987 and the country continues to develop strong efforts for natural conservation - not to mention the friendly locals.

The closest town to the mountain on which the University is perched, is Ciudad Colon. Most of the students, staff and faculty members of the University reside in Ciudad Colon, making it one of the most multi-cultural places in the world for its size.

The Earth Charter is an international declaration of fundamental values and principles considered useful by its supporters for building a just, sustainable, and peaceful global society in the 21st century. Weather 68-74° F year round. About $600-700 flight from ECP.


According to the eye doctor, my eyes are now 20/20. Mailed my passport for renewal. Got a Facebook message with a photo of a painting I had done about 1960. Fish tank from the collection of Cliff Olson, now owned by his son Steve. Solved tax problem with NASA. Great day.


Hiked lake2lake. I removed a beautiful fox roadkill from the middle of the road. Too bad my first local fox had to be dead. I reviewed prejudices that I have lost. My parents must have taught me more about humanism than they did about their prejudices. Because I was prejudiced against Germans from the day I was born. My mom had been bullied all her childhood by a German family who lived up the road from her farm. That was reinforced all during WWII, which I lived through. I was prejudiced against rich people because of the depression and specifically a memory of them cheering when Roosevelt died. You would think the most deep-seated one would have kicked in when I worked with a German woman who got me a job as a stained glass designer. She grew up in Hamburg and came to the US after the war. I didn’t have a single problem with her, didn't connect her with her background.

On the beach in the Women’s March they had me talk about not marrying the man who worked as a bomb designer because I was against war and killing people. Not staying on in the job programming in the defense industry. Changed my career to tech writer and worked in telecommunications. Because I didn't want to support war, even if it was defensive.

Thinking about prejudices and biases that I’ve overcome and I think that's because of Unitarianism. Thinking of Nancy how her Buddhism grows out of Unitarianism and her professed political addiction against Christianity.

What wasn’t in this dialog is how my view of race evolved. In grade school there were two exotic girls that I never knew anything about at all. They might have been middle eastern. A Jewish girl that lived near me was a friend. Another friend expressed disdain that she smelled which was the first prejudice I encountered. Seemed baseless to me. More complex and in my family is views of colored people, Negroes, and finally blacks. My 10th grade teacher said, "the blacks are on the move" when we studied world history and current events. My mother worked at the post office and especially liked a black co-worker. She was stunned when her friend was fired for stealing checks from the mail. I think it was when I was maybe 17 or 19 and had a temporary job at the state fair when a black guy asked me out. My parents convinced me to break the date. I have no idea what the content of their disapproval was. But I complied and didn’t think much of it.

A breakthrough for me was a bus ride when I was 25. In front of me were some kids. To me the most adorable, attractive, fun, darling lovable beautiful kids I had ever seen. I remember being drawn, magnetized, wanting more of that kind of contact, life threads. Soon after that I met a black man with the same chemistry. Truthfully, it is only hindsight that gives him that label. I saw and related to a man. Got instantly pregnant. Aborted. Got married. Had a child. Got divorced. Had another child. Was the love of my life.

Decades later Nancy told me that my parents had visited her while I was living with Mel. Mother had cried about how she would never be able to live with and enjoy her grandkids. She implored Nancy to tell me not to marry. Nancy said she would not criticize her friend’s choices. To me she said she thought my mother was incredibly bigoted and wondered how I could have been that mother’s child. The main part of the story was that Mother babysat my children and had no prejudice against them their entire childhood. Except maybe when Liz was going to college. It was incredibly expensive, one year $19,000. Mother expressed what a waste since Liz would never use her education. I didn't know if that was because she thought Liz was not smart (wasn't high school valedictorian) or because she was black. Or what.

Watching myself at 11, ready for work, video editing.. What often happens at this point just happened. Suddenly I remember some irritatingly fascinating inquiry is incomplete. Just now, what must that important news person at CNN who is of Iranian descent be thinking, doing, publishing, now that Trump stopped Iranians and people from other countries accused of being terrorist but labeled as Muslim from traveling to the US? It is more shocking than his stopping of media and science communication because it is actual people and real other countries involved. Facebook it because stops programmers they need. People stopped from their vacations. Airports and embassies jammed with people banned from boarding planes. The most outrageous aspect of it is that he only stopped countries where he has no business ties. Turkey, Syria, Saudi Arabia have plenty of terrorists and plenty of Muslims but are not affected.

While looking at requirements to renew my passport, I seem to have done enough to mail it in.

On my passport issued in 2007, there are quotes at the top of each double page spread. Here's one on page 26-27: "The cause of freedom is not the cause of a race or a sect, a party or a class - It is the cause of humankind, the very birthright of humanity" Anna Julia Cooper.

"Let us raise a standard to which the wise and honest can repair" - George Washington

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, we shall bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty" Kennedy.


Video notes from hike on the DLSP Nature Trail and Pitcher Plant Meadow.

The whole is not a thing. The whole is a process. Every part is a project of the whole process. So all parts are processes and projects within the whole. We call it process-oriented wholeoism. The whole is greater than any of its parts. So it has processes and parts. Which are beyond anything we could imagine. The whole is not a container. The whole encompasses all processes. We call it process-oriented programming. What is programming? The whole process can not be defined which does not mean it does not, it does not exist. It is simply a concept of inclusiveness. The whole is inclusive. It is. It also is not. Trucks have definitely been more this way.

I leave the camera on in case a wild life should appear. I have a story to tell. Launch a pumpkin seed story. At Whole Foods I scooped some from a bulk bin into a bag. At home, I sprouted and dehydrated them. They exactly fit the container I had used previously. How could I have gotten the right amount?

GoPro camera is slightly tipped left again. Must be how I put it on. But it seems to get more tipped in time. Maybe right arm use, holding camera nudges the mount.

7:30 at meadow, singing. Note the premonitions I seem to be having. I say "I wonder if I will find orchid seed pods." The only ones I find the entire time come right into camera view on cue. I decide to stand on the stump and get photos from the same vantage point as before. Did get the triangle head leaf. Still beautiful. The same kind of thing happens later on the Nature Path with the golden mushrooms.


The oyster mushrooms are 4" tall. I harvested them and cooked them for dinner with rice and veggies. Could not taste the mushrooms. I spent hours today trying to find a version of "Mother I feel You Under My Feet" song that Barbara sang on our forest march. I liked this one best:

Mother I feel you under my feet
Mother I feel your heart beat
Heya heya......
Mother I see you in the eagles flight
Spirit taking us higher and higher
Heya heya.....
Mother i hear you in the rivers song
Eternal water flowing on and on
Heya heya......
Mother I feel you when I hug a tree
I feel your roots going into me
Heya heya......

Here is sound cloud

Maybe I could do a "how were these done" about the videos for publishing. On the day I have a March plan, which is usually mostly location, outdoors, with different respects to water. I now have three cameras: iPhone, Sony and GoPro. I also have mounts for them. I upload photos to Lumia (iMac) and r2t2 (external drive) with Image Capture and Finder via USB cables. Look at these in Adobe Bridge. Maybe make screen shots. Import them to Premiere Pro. Make notes on the files and clips. Start a sequence with bits of the clips and audio that help tell a story. Return to this after time. Do I want titles? Tweak audio? How do the different camera results enhance each other or stand alone? When I get it done, Export media. Go online and upload to Vimeo. Prepare web pages using Dreamweaver and Photoshop. Interlink them with online resources. Publish to Facebook,, and G+.

Publishing is the outer manifestation, the sharing aspect of my experiences.


Had my right eye zapped by Poppell and sight is newly renewed. Later tested 20/20.


Mushrooms are up.

Women's March on Washington. Make a spiritual energy container to support the marchers and love in general. Bob Bartz wrote about his teacher holding an event for that. Women's march is from 10AM-5PM EST which is 9AM-4PM CST. Leslie is on it with Joan. Leslie and SheeWho were going to Women's March Pensacola from 9-12AM. Then go with a bus to Tallahassee, now canceled. Leslie has sinus infection that I don't want to get anywhere near. I could walk DLSP ramp six times at 9-10AM. It might rain. It should be just under 70°. Maybe Eden Gardens. Will something pop up?

I popped up at 4:15. It still matters. I had found myself thinking, it doesn't matter. Now that our whole country is blanketed in denial and servitude, why should I recycle? Why should I save energy, electricity? Why should I care if I prevent storm runoff? We are after all, like the previous turn of the millennium, going into centuries of dark ages. I had thought maybe with 2012 and Obama that our country could maybe evolve. But forces of devolution are stronger. It seems. But I'm still alive and kicking. And there is a Women's March. So it still matters.

Liz is using the firechat app that works without cellular service. I got it to keep in touch but we didn't use it. Allowed location but can change in settings. I got the March app from the website. It looked so useful but I actually did not use it.

A massive thunderstorm is predicted later in the day, so I and three friends decided to Women's March at Santa Clara beach access at 8AM. I wore my pantsuit for women's solidarity. I was sweating when I got home.

Joan told me that she had expected a spiritual meditative experience and was disappointed that it was all about the video. She said she often has that problem with Leslie and Pat. So she had switched to video mode and couldn't go back. I realized that I love the video aspect and mix it with meditation, not separate. But at the end of our walk, I suggested that we walk back in silent meditation. They agreed and we did. I got into breathing and the air was good. Leslie was doing some qi gong. So I tried to follow her. Joan took a picture of us with light beaming from the cloud holes. Then the question became about going to Panama City to march with women there. I think Leslie felt sick. I knew I would be exhausted standing listening to speakers and the storm was supposed to come so I didn't want to go. Sheewho did go and sent good pix of the crowd. Also Emily got a batch.

It was a fantastic day. I spent it as armchair marcher and web voyeur. Wonderful communications. I should do a little meditation now before yoga. I did.

See a movie of the day.


We were walking in the forest at the time of the inauguration of Trump. I had printed posters from the web and gave them to Colleen and Barbara to carry. Nancy stayed home, being weak from having vertigo the day before. We had a great time. Did some expressing marching in the forest. Then sang old camp songs as we hiked.


Lovely foggy morning. Having gotten wrapped up in the wi-fi info I didn't leave until after 6:30. Parked on 30A. Did walking meditation with 2 steps breathing in and 3 steps breathing out. It worked for me the entire walk of 1.3x miles round trip. That wasn't counting the slow walk circles I did on the beach but that wasn't much. Guy was resetting bird nesting rope fence. I wanted to do my yoga or ritual on a flat part but he said that was behind the vegetation on dune line. So I had to trip over bumpy truck grooves in the sand. It slopes down too much by the water.


Learned that the Women's March is happening all over the world. Excited. We are planning a local event but the plans keep changing. Amazed that my video took shape.


Thinking this week is a basic shamanic philosophic art task of resolving paradox and finding unity in duality. Duality is the two lakes: Eastern and Deer Lake. Duality is the two Lake2Lakes paths: 30A and Beach. Duality is the two watersheds: Choctawhatchee River (Cypress Creek) and St. Andrew Bay (Econfina Creek). Duality is two springs: Pitt and Sylvan. Duality is two trails: Sylvan and Nature Path. Duality is alone and with others. Duality is crystal and burning fire/herbs/smoke. This day was devoted to the Women's March.

6AM mostly clear 59° 0 precipitation and 100% humidity. I didn't get out there until 6:20 when sky was a swath of bright color. Kept shoes and jacket on but was sweating when got home. Definitely wintry even though sun sometimes bright. Mostly wan. I had intended to go west and bring smudge from E Lake east to Deer Lake. But could not bear to turn my back on this glorious sunrise. Also wind from east, so walking toward it with burning I could not keep it out of the wind. Better to have wind at back with choice.

So I went to Deer Lake, which was closed, slightly. Long inoutfall starting west of the park. I decided to follow it back as far as I could get to the lake. There I spent a long time and almost all my book of matches trying to get the bundle ignited. First I was doing the wrong end, the twig stumps. But the wind was strong and matches went out. Finally I got flames with the piles of matches and the herbs.

By that time the sun had risen. Glaring. Good to have it at my back heading west. Amazingly enough the herbs stayed lit all the way to E Lake. I photoed gulls and the one I think that was a ring bill. Not banded. Didn't even think of snowy plovers. Did some pearl step, pearl pearl step. At E Lake there was the one-legged heron extensively discussed on Facebook. It had survived a dog attack. It flew up from land to shore and two came back. They flew through gap in buildings. Then one-leg returned. Wonder if it chased the other or escorted it. Anyway, think I got good video of it at the shore. Later the video revealed the fisherman was tossing food for the heron. Mixed feelings about that. Then I went to sit on a bank and complete lake2lake affirmation and photos. Did not get visions or words but loved the sites.

One dramatic thing was that the inoutfall was flat, I got a photo or video of it with perfect reflections of arrow shapes. When I stood up from the bank, a wave came up over my shoes. Surprised and not my intention, I had the strong feeling Ester had washed over, washed my feet. I'm baptized. {Dream on. Reviewing GoPro video, always on, I see that the TDC truck crossing generated the waves.} I dunked Geome and the wand to put it out. And left.


Hiked the new trails at Williford, Sylvan and Pitt Springs. Fun day. One of my happiest ever. Just love walking on these trails. My friend is is great to hike with because we share so much, so many experiences and views. We don't have to stick together or keep a pace. We can stop and photo wherever whenever. We practiced walking meditation by keeping silent. I communed with Williford Spring, Geome and fragrant herbal smudging smoke in ritual for the Women's March. Dipped the GoPro under water. Looking at the video later, when I stop on a frame, rainbow spectrums appear. They are much less apparent as the video plays.


Hiked Lake2Lake carrying the burning herb wand for the Women's March. Searching for direction. The direction, that is, since there are too many to do at once. So Beet. (I indulge in silly word play. I'm beat. So be it.) Maybe the chaos Leslie senses is really my dancer. Strange but I kind of feel like that character in the movie Lucy who got overdosed on drugs by mistake (that were illegally sewn into her stomach when she was captured as a mule which I guess is a sex slave) and became such a superhuman that she became one with all (ALL), truly consciously.


The Panhandle Chapter of the FTA canceled their hike to the CRS section for fear of high water. The Choctawhatchee Chapter appeared and I hiked with them. Eight of them. I followed them over the bridge at the creek, which was about 3" under water. Tom said "What do you think, Caroling"? We had shared speculations for days via email. I said, "Love". I was so joyous and into feeling that I couldn't report a thought. But I did say that I was surprised there was water over the boardwalk bridge. He agreed.

Then I did a ritual for the Women's March with Geome, my crystal geode, and a bundle of herbs for smudging. Ate lunch. Became one with the woods and water. So happy.

When time to hike the 1.25 miles back to my car, I could hardly move. Had to. Then I hit my stride and enjoyed it. It is a challenge to integrate photos and videos from three sources: GoPro mounted on my forehead, Sony hanging around my neck, and iPhone in my pocket. I had to stand up at the computer to avoid leg cramps.


I'm finding myself increasingly resistant to dealing with the myriad details of our complicated systems of doing business. Sometimes I'll choose losing hundreds of dollars to bureaucratic mistakes if it means days of emails, phone calls, finding old papers, and researching the fine print. Sometimes I feel my creative time is worth it. Other times I pursue whatever it is that must be done to ensure creative time continues. I can imagine it all crumbling into creative chaos if the right factors happen at the wrong time.

I keep checking the Choctawhatchee River flood level at Bruce. The countdown is to the FTA hike on January 14. Based on my three previous visits, I think we can cross the Cypress Creek, even though it will be backed up, if the level is down to 13' over flood stage.

At night I went to the Healing Drum Circle. It was quite fun. I marched around before starting, that is, powwow steps, setting up Women's March on Washington that will be on 1-21. Talked to Jamie some. He won't get his eyes operated on ever. Strange seeing someone in fear of medical procedure. Didn't quite get the incident that had caused his fear. Usually it is me voicing resistance and banking that I'm right. So far I'm so glad for this help and my ability to take advantage of it.

This crazy Ken Stahl came. He had been to Cambodia for a long time and seems to live in Austin. Not sure if he is a musician but he seems to be here for the songwriters festival. I enjoyed my click sticks and a tambourine. Actually the dancing and aura healing qi interaction is the most important part of it. There was a young kid there, really into it. I thought he said he was from South Africa but maybe the son of a guy there? I hear the drums but not what people say.

I stayed later than I wanted to, to talk to Eda. One of the people that I'm drawn to here. One of the only ones that loves my nature art and other art. She invited me to come up to the farm. All I have to do is call.

I watched public TV's show on the opening of the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History. Wonderful in so many ways.


Written on Facebook after seeing Susan Lucas Art's link to photo of Georgia OKeefe's Cottonwoods painting. It's more than beauty that stirs my tears. Seeing the painting of "Cottonwoods" reminded me of the tree I watched, climbed, and wondered at the changes in seasons that stood in front of my childhood home. I've never stopped trying to catch that essence of light, sky blue blinking against flickering gold green cottonwood leaves in my own art.


Before lunch got out back for a hike. Entering Deer Lake State Park at the power lines, I did not see any birds on the pole nest. Seeing one after another of orange-flagged trees, at first I thought it might mark a proposed hiking trail. I wanted to follow the flags to see where they went. They appeared to the right and the left of the old roads I was on. When one was close, I saw writing on it. It said "Timber Harvest Boundary". Then it became obvious it was avoiding wetlands and encircling about a mile of the park between the power lines, Scenic 30A, and Deer Lake. This is the corner near to where I live. Enjoy this woods now because soon the roar of machinery and traffic will start. When that's over, all that's left is vistas of destruction. Our legislators seek to make money off of what was set aside to be conserved.

At a wetland restoration site, the tiny pitcher plants were largely damaged by nights below freezing. Little buttons of sundews dotted the dark ground, still red juicy spines but some die back. It was hard to find the White Fringed Orchid seed capsule heads. The ones still atop their stalk appeared lifeless. Looking at the photos, I saw the capsules were four petaled husked with vents that must have sent out the seeds. In sense, seed lanterns.

Recently have joined three new hiking groups on Facebook. One featured a blog about why people hike. For me, today, it is that I always find something new. If nothing else, about ways to breathe better. Today I saw a bunch of black spots in the turf. Looking closer, they appeared to be weathered sunflower seeds. Did someone plant them or just drop a package? Many were sprouting. I can imagine sunflowers for the caged chickens to see. Some relief from getting bitten to test for mosquito- transmitted diseases. Maybe they'll screen the view of the timber harvest or shall we say tree kill?


Scheduled at 6:45AM: laser surgery to remove scar tissue around cataract replacement lens that causes blurring in left eye. A couple in the waiting room needed to talk. She about her history and helper. The younger burly man was intent on instilling me with defensive fear about my lifestyle. Luckily my appointment with the doctor, with the successful surgery rescued me. I walked out and drove home reveling in the starkly sharper, clearer, crisper, more contrasty brilliant vision of seeing. Such a pleasure. Dread the prednisone eye drops following.


Hiked with friends in forest. Barbara said she had opened her eyes during the kundalini gong meditation practice. She had seen wonderful gold light coming from the gong. On 1/7 we saw the movie Hidden Figures which was wonderful in many deep ways. On 1/8 we saw Fences, a gut-wrenching drama. Both mornings were below freezing. I walked indoors.


Hiked with Bruce Varner on Florida Trail CRS from SR 20 to see the Cypress Creek bridge when the Choctawhatchee River is over 13' when it is at flood stage. It was something like 14.4' when we went. Bruce could only guess where the bridge was or might be. Not visible. Charlotte the dog was so companionable that I loved having her along. Bruce kept her leashed in case of bears. Not to mention alligators. See photos and quick video with overlays showing the bridge from the same point of view when under flood stage and dry.

ECMS meeting with Michele Jorge, who has presented on chakras and Qi in 2010 and 2012. She is a large vibrant woman infused with Yogi Bhajan energy. Brought back my memories of visiting the event in Muir Woods or some forest north of SF when looking for a place to put up my dome. The breakfast. Write about this in depth later. Also the kundalini training in Boulder, Colorado in 1975.

Michele introduced many exercises for raising kundalini. She taught us Sat Nam and Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo chants. Sitting on the other side of a circle of 45 people (!) who came, I could only hear part of what she was saying at the beginning. She had us breathe in/belly out and breathe out/belly in. Next, breathe in wave belly + mid + upper. Then breathe out upper + mid + belly. Then do breath of fire which is fast belly breathing with nose. Then do mulbandh, contract anal sphincter. Next contract area around sex organ. Then contract the lower abdominal muscles and the navel point toward your spine. I found it hard to do after breathing in, while keeping belly big breath in. Maybe not, but not sure how it relates to breath out. We did more on chair.

Put chairs away, took off socks for bare feet (I didn't) and sit cross legged on floor. She used a meditation cushion. Then we did many more. On all fours, on each side arm up, leg back and up and head back, breathe in. Tuck back down to breathe out. The last one was for meditation hunch up shoulders to ears with fingers wrapped L-R around body to each armpit. For more info, see 3HO, the Healthy, Happy, Holy Organization.

After many of the exercises we lay down on backs, lights dim, and she played some other-worldly music on her kundalini gong. Barbara said to look up on got the name that was on the gong (PAISTE). At some point I had involuntary total body quivers or shudders or ripples. Not directional. Like orgasm only in that it was not under my control. The low, very low, and broad bong was kundalini the coiled snake for me. Then came the most unidentifiable shattering, somewhat like dry leaves in the wind mixed with clattering broken shards of glass and pottery, audience clapping, lightning. And for me that was the connection with the divine. It was fierce, penetrating, invasive, causing me initially to want to cover my ears, or stop the loudness, turn down the volume, identify, manage, get around, contain, but that was futile. As I felt little pixels of me gradually folding down, surrendering to this flow, actually removing separation from the waves that were actually everywhere, in, out, around. I felt that the only way to experience this, maybe neutralize it from resistance, or zero it, yes I stopped resisting and it was OK. Not in a judgmental way. It is that I was with it, actually I was it. When the raging stopped all was black but not void. With each successive repetition of this gong, thrash, silent pattern, I at first thought it was a repeat but what turned out to be different and perhaps a progression was my experience or practice or involvement with it. Somewhere in there shimmy happened. I can’t say it was directional in any way. Kundalini snake did not rise for some upward union. It was just all. Lasted a few seconds.


I’m in sort of a dangerous elated state where i have gotten essential tasks done, fearing and balking all the way. Out of control in messaging and Facebook. But I do love this liquid mercurial psycho-tipsy state. Sometime feel fireworked to blissed out tinsel falling in ripples.


Off I went to Destin to get B12 and stock up on food. Couldn’t do other errands because it is a holiday. Driving along so relaxed in the foggy day with little traffic. Felt everything so-called "inanimate" is meditating. I felt so akin to my vehicle. It has everything it needs and functions predictably. So every tiny part is meditating. Meditation in action. There is awareness spreading. When become aware of a relationship, such as with my car, it is like a light, illumination. It spills over onto the road and that to the neighboring properties, the homes, the infrastructure. I felt so harmonious. Not completely linear, as most driving is linked to time, distance, rate. I just felt kind of solid state, although changing and moving towards a goal, a timelessness.

At home I got spiraled into a visionary ethno shaman site and read about communing with a power plant. It asked for comments on such a meeting. I wrote this but somehow could not log on with a disqus username. Lost the page. Here’s what I wrote.

Memorable time spent camping in the mountains among ancient Bristlecone Pines. At first they seemed to be fast travelers with physical roots but vast consciousness travel. I realized how tiny I was. Physically, yes, but in time, having such a short lifetime, I was almost invisible to them. When ceasing to discriminate, as equals, what a treasure it was to be with them.

Heavy rainfall and thunderstorming during the night. Lightning strikes to east and west of me destroyed a couple of buildings in fire.


Went on first day hike at Camp Helen State Park.

Made an event announcing the 65th reunion of the Class of 1952 at West High School, MN.

I did a MCS color healing and could get nothing out of it. Dismayed that my Magical Passes initiative got dropped. My newfound resolution to feel, depth explore feelings was pretty banged up yesterday. It took hours of writing to become conscious and articulate feelings. Then when expressed them to a person (who almost daily puts up some slogan that she’s into it) not only did not follow the depths, issued apologies and defied my wishes and intention by not following my words and violating them. I hope our friendship survives.

I felt the orchid seed pods have the best energy for the new year. So it is another seed year. I need to get a monthly orchid seed photo. Or a quarterly. Heard from Teresa Brown, a wonderful woman I met through my son Leo, who bicycled cross country with her. So happy to hear how exquisitely she is living, so in tune with nature, seeing such beautiful photos I saw on Instagram, earthelation. Her website is a work in progress,, now parked.


Went on a tour to Deer Lake State Park. See the slideshow called Seed Tour.


Suddenly inspired to make annotated visual rhythm instead. Gleam beats. Would need audio. I’m just too sick I think. When I look at it, first thought is some enlargement much larger, getting it behind my head gib, that is BIG. Hmm, maybe turning around. I could do text and image expurgation of current and further develop this later. O my difficult life. I know I am extremely spoiled to think having caffeine jitters and slight blood sugar weariness is a big problem. So I will eat breakfast and shut up for now. Ongoing riff.


I'm sick with a cold and taking antibiotics to prevent return of pneumonia. I do not walk or do yoga.


I might be willing, might be able to promote my art by adding explanation. Listen to a sound. There is the basic beat, boom boom boom. And additions, vary it. So this is a visual beat, the basic is the gleam photo that stays the same. But parts of it vary. they move right and left, different parts move, they vary in size, which implies near and far. They could vary more like a different kind of drum with its own beat.


Created a movie of the solstice meditation. It is actually pretty musical to watch. I might make a vocal sound track. it is 12s long. Couple of ideas emerge. This could be a background for a brushstroke dance. Fluid weaving. Also, this could be interactive with sliders, so I could vary the parameters to fine tune the beat. Wonder what a Native American drum beat would look like. Faster than heartbeat but regular. Found a couple, almost native, as Motown. Put it on Vimeo and Facebook Wholeo page. Also shared to Caroling. No one liked it. Too hard to get. I will do it again with explanations.


Woke about 5, wanting to check in for galactic alignment at dawn. Temps and everything was nice. Cloud batting all over sky with sun eye peeping at the horizon. I thought I’d get there early. But the sun was 1/3 up by the time I got to the beach. Strangely enough, the inoutfall was running quite a ways past the west sign of the park. It was cold enough that I didn't want wet feet. Saw no way to get across. So went back to car and drove to DLSP parking lot. From there walked to WaterSound beach access.


4:44AM Solstice mediation video. It’s information. It’s up to me to shade (not right word, maybe "shape") the whole. Beyond the frame, see them fast, see them slow, see them real time, see them front, see them back, See them in slices here and there. Like a meditation meal. (shows breakfast.) I'm so grateful. There’s nothing different about eating. (sounds of munching.) Crunch crunch crunch, you'd never hear how it is in my head, I know. When first closed my eyes, blue hazy light. Not everywhere. Like presence of a cloud.

4:48PM Solstice sunset meditation. Felt the love connection of the day and the galactic connection I've established. There are beings all over the galaxy like spokes of a wheel, scattered about, all oriented to center. We are exchanging blueprints of being, from the trivial to basic anatomy, abilities, preferences. This is recorded not just within. Eventually I realized each grain of sand is a consciousness and but were all communing. Can I accept my expanded consciousness activity? I am elated at my new connection with the sand crystals. Just remembered a key point in visions. Deep ruby red globule with golden light highlight. I loved the air the slight breeze, the incredible sculptures in the lights of the clouds.

See Outer Solstice 2016. Reviewed the Beyond the Frame of Reference movie. Gets at my gnarls. Also Feeling Stuff.

Quarter Days

Some of these might appear chronologically if there are comments.

2017-03-20 Advance Equinox or March equinox - March 20 at 10:29 UT (March 20 at 5:29AM CDT).

2017-06-21 Inner Solstice - June 21 at 4:24 UT (June 20 11:24PM CDT)

2017-07-25 Day out of Time - July 25. Day Out of Time.

2017-09-22 Follow Equinox or September equinox - September 22 at 20:02 UT (Sept. 22 at 3:02PM CDT)

2017-12-21 Outer Solstice or December solstice - December 21 at 16:28 UT (10:28AM CST)

Sun raying solstice from galactic center to you

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